Hi everyone, if you've been following my messages for the last few months -- weeks? -- I've been having serious rages. I bashed my cell phone with a hammer and killed it, among other lovely things I did.

But my sister reminded me today that there was a period of time when I did not have rages. Of course, growing up and up till I got good medical and therapeutic care when I was 54, I had rages. At home. I was raised to be pretty good at covering them up in public, but on any job I had, I would become very grim, and sometimes walk off the job -- for good.

So the period of time when I didn't have rages -- years and years, with good meds! -- I only had one or two a year! Now, I have 2-3-4 a WEEK. They take place at home, but outside the home I can be extremely rude. esp. to people on jobs where they supposedly know what they are doing, but screw things up. Very common. Actually, I do remember over 20 years ago, when I worked at an office job in a high rise, I was on the elevator one time, and some other women who worked in a different office, were discussing their jobs. One said, "Well, NOBODY knows what they are doing!" My job was the same way.

Things keep changing. The technology changes so fast, and job descriptions and duties change fast, too. Decades ago, people received on-the-job training. We were actually on the job, and got paid. Now, the community colleges have tricked people into believing they will get sufficient training to enter the workforce fully prepared. So the colleges charge more and more and more for tuition! Instructors and administrators get paid jobs! The students pay. This training is often pretty superficial. But employers probably like this, because then they don't have to pay novices, and when a novice comes to work, they are expected to figure this all out for themselves. Very stressful, of course, plus they mess up because like the woman said, "nobody knows what they are doing."

So I get rude because of their incompetence. Some of them have actually never been to a different part of the building where they work, and can't even give people directions on how to find another office!!But that's actually understandable -- they are so overworked, they are not allowed to explore the building, or make a map, except if they want to do that on their own exhausted time! I had that experience recently, at a convoluted maze of a hospital, trying to find the lab for a blood test. I was rude to maybe 12 people, as I wandered all over, trying o figure out what directions they were trying to tell me.

I must get better meds asap. I see my pdoc on June 8. This has been and is getting worse and worse!!! My therapist has tried to work with me to find tools/ways to cope with rage. But rage is instantaneous! I even have suspected that it's a form of seizure! True seizures, as we know, are unconscious. People fall unconscious But we as bipolars are definitely conscious in rages, just can't control when they instantly start, then the rage builds and builds, once it does start. That's my situation, anyway.

[Sunflower123]

Good luck with your June 8 appointment. Hope he can help you. Having rage so often must be painful. Good luck and best wishes.

[gina_re]

I am not a bipolar, I live with bipolar. That being said, I really do hope that you get the help you need. You seem to have been dealing with the rage issues for a while now. Take care.

Thanks, Jennifer and Gina. Yes, all these rages are painful -- so frustrating, depressing, shocking, and make me very ashamed. Esp. when I've been rude to someone. I have great confidence that my therapist will help put an end to them for now -- at least till the new meds quit, like all the others have, and I have to change again....

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry the rages continue as a problem for you.

There is a condition named "Intermittent Explosive Disorder," in which people have sudden episodes of rage. It's easy to find info. on this disorder via an internet search. Thought you might be interested in checking it out?

I hope your June 8th appt is helpful.

WC

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am sorry the rages continue as a problem for you.

There is a condition named "Intermittent Explosive Disorder," in which people have sudden episodes of rage. It's easy to find info. on this disorder via an internet search. Thought you might be interested in checking it out?

I hope your June 8th appt is helpful.

WC

Yes, I do know about intermittent explosive disorder. A therapist a long, long time ago thought I had it. I asked my current therp, this week. He said, "Absolutely not," and anyway, as far as I can tell from my internet research about it, the treatment for that disorder is the same as for bipolar anyway....So what difference would a different dx make to me? None that I can think of. But I do intend to bring the matter to the attention of my pdoc. It could be that my present therp has not "witnessed" my rage, ALTHOUGH I sure have called him on the phone plenty of times when I've blown up about something.

[bioChE]

Do you live in a state that has legalized marijuana? It seems you might benefit from a few good pulls on a bong.

[lilypup]

I don't know why that sounded funny bio, but it did. Like for sure, we could all use something, right?

[bioChE]

Originally Posted by lilypup

I don't know why that sounded funny bio, but it did. Like for sure, we could all use something, right?

Damn straight, we could.
Sign me up. If you guys are puffing, I want in.

[jacky8807]

well hell pass it ova here too!
nah jk it makes me paranoid

flowerbells, the obsessing over Customer service or companies or whatever.....even in this post about your rages you start obsessing about them all over again.

my vote is for klonopin

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

well hell pass it ova here too!
nah jk it makes me paranoid

flowerbells, the obsessing over Customer service or companies or whatever.....even in this post about your rages you start obsessing about them all over again.

my vote is for klonopin

Xanax worked better for me. It was literally my "chill pill"

Originally Posted by bioChE

Do you live in a state that has legalized marijuana? It seems you might benefit from a few good pulls on a bong.

That was my thought, too, but my pdoc said No. I wonder why he said that? I'll ask him again when I see him soon. Yes, it's legal here.

Originally Posted by bioChE

Do you live in a state that has legalized marijuana? It seems you might benefit from a few good pulls on a bong.

I could make that happen. Seriously, I could.

Hope your appointment goes well, flowerbells. Rages suck. And damn they can be embarrassing. A med adjustment is definitely worth asking about. I take Wellbutrin and usually all is well. I've traditionally taken them as am and pm. If I noticed I was getting agitated on a too-regular basis, I'd drop it down to one a day (there was a period with none as well). It helped. (This particular self-adjusting has psych providers approval, no worries, in case anyone gasped.)

Good luck!

Originally Posted by jacky8807

well hell pass it ova here too!
nah jk it makes me paranoid

flowerbells, the obsessing over Customer service or companies or whatever.....even in this post about your rages you start obsessing about them all over again.

my vote is for klonopin

Maybe the reason I keep obsessing about them over and over again, is because the PROBLEMS with my phones and customer service keep happening over and over again!! Once I settle down from one messup some person or piece of equipment does, it happens all over again in some other way. I'll ask the doc about Klonopin or Xanax. I was given Xanax years ago, and it made me real hypomanic. I did not know anything about bipolar then, not anything about hyppmnia. I only knew I felt way, way, way too good. That was in the mid 1960s. I went in to this ear nose and throat specialist with sinusitis, and came out with Xanax! I have no idea why. I'd been very reluctant to try Xanax because of that experience, but maybe she way over dosed me.

Originally Posted by Innerzone

I could make that happen. Seriously, I could.

Hope your appointment goes well, flowerbells. Rages suck. And damn they can be embarrassing. A med adjustment is definitely worth asking about. I take Wellbutrin and usually all is well. I've traditionally taken them as am and pm. If I noticed I was getting agitated on a too-regular basis, I'd drop it down to one a day (there was a period with none as well). It helped. (This particular self-adjusting has psych providers approval, no worries, in case anyone gasped.)

Good luck!

Thanks for your message, Innerz. I used to take Wellbutrin and it didnt do thing one for me. I think they are running out of things to try. I still haven't taken Latuda or Konopin. And Xanax may be worth another try.

Originally Posted by flowerbells

Thanks for your message, Innerz. I used to take Wellbutrin and it didnt do thing one for me. I think they are running out of things to try. I still haven't taken Latuda or Konopin. And Xanax may be worth another try.

Yeah, Wellbutrin (in my anecdotal opinion ) would be a very unlikely choice anyway. It was more about dosage changes helping sometimes. Though it's one that tends to be better tolerated by BPers (than, say, SSRIs), it also has a reputation for causing agitation or aggression in some.

They've probably things yet to try. You may be on to something with the klonopin. Sometimes it's a matter of getting us to a physical/mental state (like mellowed) where we can better use our coping tools. That's how a T explained meds to me a number of years ago.

I've also heard people mention that Lamictal mellowed them out a bit. Can't remember if that's one you've tried yet or not.

Hmmm. Xanax. No idea what that dosage was (although if it was a lot, I personally can't imagine not falling asleep instead ), but if it gave you euphoria, it'd be a good idea to approach that with caution. You know, with its being highly addictive. I've asked people, because I couldn't really figure what people who weren't prescribed it got out of it, because I don't get euphoria. The klonopin is longer-acting, so more likely appropriate to try anyway.

Anyhow, I'm sure s/he'll come up with something to try.
(You don't need to respond, just kind of thinking out loud.)

[jacky8807]

Originally Posted by flowerbells

Maybe the reason I keep obsessing about them over and over again, is because the PROBLEMS with my phones and customer service keep happening over and over again!! Once I settle down from one messup some person or piece of equipment does, it happens all over again in some other way. I'll ask the doc about Klonopin or Xanax. I was given Xanax years ago, and it made me real hypomanic. I did not know anything about bipolar then, not anything about hyppmnia. I only knew I felt way, way, way too good. That was in the mid 1960s. I went in to this ear nose and throat specialist with sinusitis, and came out with Xanax! I have no idea why. I'd been very reluctant to try Xanax because of that experience, but maybe she way over dosed me.

Lots of things piss me off in life. I could be constantly angry but I choose not to be. If I did I would be in Hell. I know its not that easy for other people. I do hope you find relief soon.
That's crazy about the ENT giving you Xanax. Yeah I would say they prescribed things a little different back then lol

[~Christina]

I would try Buspar before flipping into Benzo land , so many Pdoc's are worried about addiction to them anyway and long term " possible" brain issues like early dementia and shrinking brain as if AP's don't cause enough brain cells jumping ship.

I hope you can find ways to relieve the raging it has to be exhausting.

Good luck

Originally Posted by jacky8807

Lots of things piss me off in life. I could be constantly angry but I choose not to be. If I did I would be in Hell. I know its not that easy for other people. I do hope you find relief soon.
That's crazy about the ENT giving you Xanax. Yeah I would say they prescribed things a little different back then lol

Hi Jacky, you wrote, " I could be constantly angry but I choose not to be." I could be constantly depressed about "man's inhumanity to man," to to children and teens, to animals, and to the environment and our earth and its creatures and native plants. For most of my life before my dx in my 50s, I thought these things were why I was depressed -- i.e. that there is/was a real reason for my major depressions. Maybe that really IS why I have depression. I'm also terrified and angry about the political situation, now and in the previous administrations after FD Roosevelt that led up to this. But, like you say, I choose not to be depressed all the time about these things. But anger about it all is not as easy for me to "let go of."

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I would try Buspar before flipping into Benzo land , so many Pdoc's are worried about addiction to them anyway and long term " possible" brain issues like early dementia and shrinking brain as if AP's don't cause enough brain cells jumping ship.

I hope you can find ways to relieve the raging it has to be exhausting.

Good luck

You're so right! It is exhausting. After a morning rage, I'm tired all day. It ruins my whole day. I can't even get interested or start any of the things I love to do.

[jacky8807]

Originally Posted by flowerbells

Hi Jacky, you wrote, " I could be constantly angry but I choose not to be." I could be constantly depressed about "man's inhumanity to man," to to children and teens, to animals, and to the environment and our earth and its creatures and native plants. For most of my life before my dx in my 50s, I thought these things were why I was depressed -- i.e. that there is/was a real reason for my major depressions. Maybe that really IS why I have depression. I'm also terrified and angry about the political situation, now and in the previous administrations after FD Roosevelt that led up to this. But, like you say, I choose not to be depressed all the time about these things. But anger about it all is not as easy for me to "let go of."

yeah I wrote in my post I understand not everyone can let it go that easy
when I'm depressed, deeply depressed, I don't have a reason.it just comes on like the black beast that it is.

fwiw buspar was a sugar pill for me. I think it's a joke for bad anxiety or irritability. I told the pdoc "are you kidding me with this med?" works for some of course

[bioChE]

Buspar was like a sugar pill for me as well. Didn't do a dang thing.

[~Christina]

Buspar didn't help me BUT it's been a literal life saver for my daughter that has Bp 1

Worth a shot unless your Pdoc is ole school and isnt a benzo Nazi

[jacky8807]

I have heard for those it works for it REALLY works. Glad your daughter is getting relief Christina!

ya from what I'm hearing there are a lot of pdocs who won't prescribe benzos at all! my pdoc has known me for a while so maybe that's why it's not an issue

i have an addictive personality but for some reason it has never really transferred into my use with klonopin. they don't do much for me but give me relief and I don't go up in dosage.
Now. give me adderall and it will be gone in a week