[Jensitive22]

I am still stuck. In fact, I am worse off than when I went back into treatment at the end of 2015. I can't find the right meds. I've been through 4 med changes either for tardivedyskenisia (sp) or because the med combo stopped working. A year and a half of therapy, and weekly DBT and PTSD classes have not helped to make any lasting progress. I'm discouraged. Not only am I still afraid to get a job, any job, but I am in an isolation rut. My teaching license has to be renewed by next summer but I will need to take 2 classes to renew it. Feels impossible to me. The thought of returning to teaching feels like I'm returning to war. Allowing my license to expire feels irresponsible and a betrayal to the hard work, anxiety, and the sacrifices my family paid for me to go to school. Lately I've been angry. Angry with my life. Angry and resentful towards my husband and anybody else who are living their lives. Lives with much larger parameters than mine, and with voices they are not afraid to use to express their pain, frustration, or opinions.
What is the point in continuing treatment when it is not helping? Taking meds that numb me, make me slow, affect my cognition and memory, make me tired, make my hands shake, make my hair fall out, make me gain weight, kill my sex drive, and give me diarrhea? I see my therapist next week. She is a very kind and caring individual who works hard at her job. I feel like I am the one who is failing at therapy. I feel guilty that I am not meeting therapy goals and making progress. Makes me just want to give it all up. The drugs, the therapy and the classes. My husband is frustrated. He doesn't understand why I am not "fixed".

[lilypup]

All I can say is "I've been there". I, too, was a teacher and it IS like going to war. I finally went on disability.

My hands shake all of the time. I am sick of it. I have a lot of your other symptoms, too.

I really admire you for trying to get your certificate renewed. That is a real victory.

So glad you have a good T. That can make a huge difference.

You are not alone.

Best wishes to you.

Originally Posted by Jensitive22

I am still stuck. In fact, I am worse off than when I went back into treatment at the end of 2015. I can't find the right meds. I've been through 4 med changes either for tardivedyskenisia (sp) or because the med combo stopped working. A year and a half of therapy, and weekly DBT and PTSD classes have not helped to make any lasting progress. I'm discouraged. Not only am I still afraid to get a job, any job, but I am in an isolation rut. My teaching license has to be renewed by next summer but I will need to take 2 classes to renew it. Feels impossible to me. The thought of returning to teaching feels like I'm returning to war. Allowing my license to expire feels irresponsible and a betrayal to the hard work, anxiety, and the sacrifices my family paid for me to go to school. Lately I've been angry. Angry with my life. Angry and resentful towards my husband and anybody else who are living their lives. Lives with much larger parameters than mine, and with voices they are not afraid to use to express their pain, frustration, or opinions.
What is the point in continuing treatment when it is not helping? Taking meds that numb me, make me slow, affect my cognition and memory, make me tired, make my hands shake, make my hair fall out, make me gain weight, kill my sex drive, and give me diarrhea? I see my therapist next week. She is a very kind and caring individual who works hard at her job. I feel like I am the one who is failing at therapy. I feel guilty that I am not meeting therapy goals and making progress. Makes me just want to give it all up. The drugs, the therapy and the classes. My husband is frustrated. He doesn't understand why I am not "fixed".

I can say the same.

i'm sick of trying too. I've been trying for 15 years, and where has it got me.

i'm either made worse by the meds, or diagnosed with something else, making the struggle even longer

I do often wonder what the point is

Possible trigger:

probably explains my 6 attempts at suicide

but, I suppose, though it's not something I want to really believe (or anyone for that matter), you have to make do with what you have

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry it gets so frustrating!

I can relate. I've had long and severe episodes of depression for the past 40 years. Most of it has been treatment-resistant. It's complicated with medical/physical conditions. Much of the time I fail to see a light at the end of the very dark tunnel. It's been my experience the depression lets up when it's ready to do so. Little else influences the depression, except to make it worse.

Yes, my H had been anticipating a "fix" every time I saw my pdoc. It has taken him a long time to give up that idea.

I know, from experience, I eventually catch a bit of a break from the depression if I can just hold on. Some of my depressions have been at least 2 years long. It's finding a way to get through it that's so damned difficult.

I hope you can hold on and can believe there is a break ahead for you. My heart goes out to you.


WC

[Sunflower123]

I agree with WC. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon.

[Jensitive22]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

I can say the same.

i'm sick of trying too. I've been trying for 15 years, and where has it got me.

i'm either made worse by the meds, or diagnosed with something else, making the struggle even longer

I do often wonder what the point is

Possible trigger:

probably explains my 6 attempts at suicide

but, I suppose, though it's not something I want to really believe (or anyone for that matter), you have to make do with what you have

I guess we're not too far gone when we can still have compassion for one another. Thank you.

[Unrigged64072835]

I've been at this, more or less, for over twenty years. My meds aren't perfect (I still have anxiety pretty bad) but they're getting me there.

Have you tried looking for another job? One that doesn't stress you out.

Sorry you're feeling bad and getting no support from your husband. My husband understands this because he has MS, and though he's stable he understands that things can change on a dime.