[franz kafka]

Tonight I went out with new friends. We had a nice dinner and drank some nice wine in the moonlight. We laughed real, hearty laughs.

Possible trigger:

And on the way home I kept thinking of how I should jump off a building. I crawled onto the railing on the bridge (not high at all, would barely hurt me, don't worry) to imagine what it'd be like, standing there.

All my instincts are telling me to die. No psychosis, all me this time. I'm better off dead. There's no hope for me in this life. It's all meaningless.

I want to overdose. I won't though, probably. I won't jump either. I'm a coward.

[dshantel]

I hope you are safe franz.

I'm really sorry for the way you feel right now.

Have you considered the ER?

At the very least, contact your pdoc or some other medical professional so that they can help you.

Stay safe.

[still_crazy]

hi. i don't want to act as if I know your inner-most thoughts and such, but do you think maybe your problems at this point have more to do with needing guidance, meaning, purpose?

I dunno. When you look at suicide, there's actually a lot of social stuff going on. Its interesting...Sociologists have been researching social factors in suicides for over 100 years, but people tend to prefer the Mental Health, Inc. explanations, so everybody talks about the "need for treatment," and the ill effects of "mental illness," etc.

Its been a long, long time since I read the Sociological stuff about suicide, but I seem to recall that a lot of suicides and what Mental Health, Inc. calls "depression" and such is rooted in anomie, or normless-ness. Its when people don't have sufficient bonds with their community, and they drift out of the social mainstream. Interestingly enough, many 21st century societies don't have the strong social and family bonds that kept things running smoothly in years past, even 30 or so years ago. So...its definitely not just you. Its like that 70s chant..."The personal is political."

I hope things get better for you.

[Icare dixit]

Having fun can be dangerous. We tend to be atypically depressed. Having fun with friends is like a drug and withdrawal can worsen the depression. I think it also confronts you with the meaninglessness of friendships if the negative consequences are so severe. You might also think the depression isn't real and you're just useless.

So just be prepared for that. You'll soon feel less suicidal.

Friendships are important and meaningful, despite the difficulties when depressed.

[Blaire]

I hope you are safe. I know you are not feeling serious about it, but if it has such a strong presence in your mind, please consider seeking some medical help. You shouldn't have to feel this way.

Often when I have a great time with friends, I have a major mood crash right after. What was genuine at the time seems fake an retrospect. I feel like I was just putting on a show to fit in, I didn't truly connect. I feel like an outsider. It does often give me suicidal thoughts. I expect it now, so I just try to hunker down, distract myself, and ride it out. It usually does pass within a day or so.

[liveforsummer]

I truly hope you are okay today

[franz kafka]

Thank you all for the kind responses. I'm feeling a bit better after a long sleep. Still depressed though. I'm a bit disturbed by how suicidal I was last night though... that plus wine is a bad combination. I need to contact my doc to figure out how to stay safe.

[franz kafka]

Originally Posted by still_crazy

hi. i don't want to act as if I know your inner-most thoughts and such, but do you think maybe your problems at this point have more to do with needing guidance, meaning, purpose?

I dunno. When you look at suicide, there's actually a lot of social stuff going on. Its interesting...Sociologists have been researching social factors in suicides for over 100 years, but people tend to prefer the Mental Health, Inc. explanations, so everybody talks about the "need for treatment," and the ill effects of "mental illness," etc.

Its been a long, long time since I read the Sociological stuff about suicide, but I seem to recall that a lot of suicides and what Mental Health, Inc. calls "depression" and such is rooted in anomie, or normless-ness. Its when people don't have sufficient bonds with their community, and they drift out of the social mainstream. Interestingly enough, many 21st century societies don't have the strong social and family bonds that kept things running smoothly in years past, even 30 or so years ago. So...its definitely not just you. Its like that 70s chant..."The personal is political."

I hope things get better for you.

Yes, this is Durkheim's classic study of suicide. He was trying to show that sociology had something to contribute to science, so he picked a topic that seemed super personal and not sociological and theorized the social effects. I went to a talk recently from an anthropologist/sociologist about suicide, but to be honest I can't remember what her angle was. She talked a lot about suicidology, so I guess that's a thing.

[Sunflower123]

I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better today. Please run this by your pdoc though if it happens again. I've had those exact thoughts sometimes even in the middle of the good time telling me I should and how even when I have no intentions of doing anything about it. It's unnerving. I hope you continue to feel better each day. Best wishes.