[seesawgirl]

I haven't been here in a long time. My moods have been more down than up. I have more med changes than I can remember. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist that I'm paying out-of-pocket rather than going through my community hospital because they couldn't prescribe some of my meds anymore. Fortunately I go to a pharmacy that deeply discounts my meds.

Anyway, my mom died on May 24th after a short illness of dementia with parkinsons (lewy body dementia). A few days after that my daughter graduated high school. The last couple of weeks my daughter has been to see a cardiologist and pulmonologist for problems with her lungs and heart. There is definitely a problem, but they aren't sure what is causing the problems so she has to undergo tests. She also has aspergers. I have been having a rough go of it. Fortunately, I can write to my psychiatrist when I need her. I haven't been sleeping and I'm desperate for sleep. She increased my Klonopin. I did say that I was desperate for sleep when I wrote to her. Which brings me to this posting.

She said that I needed to work on this desperate feeling that I have been having. I don't know how to do that. With all of the things that have been happening to me, I feel desperate. If it weren't for my daughter I wouldn't even be here and she knows that. How do I work on this desperate feeling that I have? I can't afford a therapist or I would have one, but between the psychiatrist and meds, I just cannot afford one.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Sorry to hear about your mother's passing. My grandma has dementia right now and I know how hard it is to see someone deteriorate like that. My grandma is close to passing.

What's happening to your daughter definitely sounds scary. I your daughter gets the answers and medical help she needs.

Have you ever considered the idea of getting free therapy? Some universities offer free or low cost therapy to help train their students, or they offer free therapy in exchange for participating in a research study.

I know I was offered free therapy for participating in an anxiety study. I did have to do an interview to participate, but I ultimately didn't qualify because my anxiety issues didn't match what they were analyzing. But hey, you can get free money in general from research studies, and you can use that money toward therapy

[treevoice]

I think that desperation is a common feeling following the death of a loved one, and it does sound like your life is in crisis mode right now. Your feelings/insomnia make sense in that context. Death stirs up a serious and deep sense of mortality, and that can bring dread and all sorts of heavy and unfamiliar feelings - on top of everything else you're dealing with, I don't think anyone could blame you for feeling desperate. Rather than trying to treat the emotion itself, I hope you are able to find some space for yourself to grieve and ground yourself. With so much going on with your daughter, it sounds like you've got so much on the plate you aren't able to give yourself the healing space you need after such a life-shattering event. The emotion will go away when you feel safe again, and I'm sure that will help you sleep as well. I wish I knew how to guide you there, but maybe some sort of grief counseling would be of benefit to you? There are a lot of free resources for crisis/grief counseling, you may try a google search for your local community. Have you looked into online counseling services like 7 cups or Better Help? If you contact them, they have sliding cost scales in place for low income people - it's much much more affordable than in person therapy. Also, I don't know if you're at all religious, but local churches can also be a great resource for life counseling and even financial assistance. Best of luck and love to you. <3

[Sunflower123]

Condolences on the loss of your mom and I'm sorry about your daughter's situation. You've gotten some excellent advice here. I hope you find some of it to be helpful.

[seesawgirl]

I've gotten such good information here. Thank you. I'm going to do some research and see what I've come up with. One of the problems that I do have is that I've never really done well in a group setting. I'm an introvert in a group setting although one on one I open up.

I also forgot to mention that I live with my father and he has cancer and is going through radiation 5 days a week.

I'm also still fighting with social security. My main case is in federal court because I didn't get a fair hearing and we filed another one and it was denied twice so now we're at the magistrate level. This one I know we're going to win because they are going after my hearing disability and I'm going in prepared with two comprehensive tests to prove the severity of my hearing loss. It may cost a lot for the testing but it will be worth it. This is a fight I KNOW I can win.

[Unrigged64072835]

Wow, you've been through a lot. No wonder why you're feeling desperate.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mom, and all the family issues.

You received good advice here. I would also get a workbook for anxiety.

[*Laurie*]

You just have way, way too much going on right now. Anyone would feel completely overwhelmed. I certainly hope things ease up for you SOON.

[treevoice]

Good luck fighting with social security! Have you considered crowd funding to help get you passed this rough patch? I know I would be more than happy to donate to a cause like yours, and I'm sure others would also.

[liveforsummer]

Hugs and I hope you find support soon. Great advice has been posted. I know in my area there are free drop in support groups where you can just sit and listen if you prefer and the Universities have free study groups for all kinds of MI that can offer all kinds of help. I hope there is something close to you!