[pretzel123]

I just registered on this site. Im reading through the posts and it sounds like most people struggle with the depressive phase. What I struggle with is the manic phase. I become over confident, I turn into a very mean person, and I destroy all of my relationships. I become paranoid and suspicious and I fail to empathize with the way that my friends are really feeling. I bully people because when I receive some kind of an emotional reaction, thats the only validation I have that they care about me. It isn't until I have hurt somebody and made them cry, that I know that they actually cared for me and trusted me. When I date somebody, it is impossible for me to go into an exclusive relationship. I can never trust somebody enough and am always suspicious that they would lie and say they have been exclusive while reality (at least, my imaginary reality), they have been sleeping with the entire city (and my imagination runs completely wild.... in my defense, as a gay man, i don't think its completely irrational). And in the meantime, when I am in a relationship, I do exactly that - because I figure that is what he is doing. I feel like I'm such an evil person. And some people have told me that I actually am an evil person. I know that the things I do and the emotions that I have don't make sense.... Does anybody else on here struggle with this?

[Unrigged64072835]

I have issues when manic as well. I have no patience and boss everyone around. I find a project and spend almost all my awake time doing it. My husband--poor guy--gets the brunt of it at times.

[LadyShadow]

I struggle with the manic phase as well, although I don't consider myself evil to anyone, I just do immoral things and end up feeling bad about myself.

I am sure you're not an evil person. Are you on meds? In therapy?

[Icare dixit]

Yes, mania destroys all I've built up. I prefer (severe) depression (not just because I like pain in general but also because I function better while depressed and not just because pain makes me function better; depression is a win-win situation). It takes me a few hours longer before I can do much of anything, but after that (unlike with mild depression) I almost effortlessly put on a decent, decades-old show of gregariousness, stability, reasonableness, responsibility and reliability. I try to do the same when manic, but after a while it's untenable.

In other words, depression gives me total control. All that I appear to be is created out of nothingness.

But interpersonal things you describe are maybe more a part of BPD than of BP, though it's difficult to compare the two, having both (but I do work with crazy people and I know the criteria/syndromes pretty well). It doesn't matter that much, but maybe you can trace some of your problems back to childhood trauma and/or (emotionally) abusive/negligent parenting, conditional love.

It could be just BP. You can still blame your parents, though.

[halus1]

My manic phases are far worse - and I think I also have mixed episodes. The mania is extreme - classic mania where I'll spend a lot of money and fly all over the world doing some pretty crazy stuff.

As someone else mentioned - are you on medication?

[BipolaRNurse]

I loooves me some hypomania! I don't love my mania though---that's when I've got all this extra energy AND I'm angry, hostile, and don't have a filter. Those were some rough times when my kids were growing up and I'd scream at them for three hours for any infraction of the house rules or just because I'd had a lousy day at work and needed to blow off steam. My poor hubby came in for a lot of verbal abuse as well.

Yet I never thought there was anything wrong with me other than plain depression. I didn't think I had anything else but simple depression. It never occurred to me that the bright, happy, busy times and the rages were part of my then-undiagnosed bipolar disorder. So yes, I do struggle with hypo/mania even though I haven't had a full-blown episode in a couple of years. I also loathe depression and wish I didn't have it, but I don't do crazy things or spend myself into another bankruptcy.

[rwwff]

I'm with you pretzel. D is horrible, but its *mostly* harmless for me and it will end. As long as people need me to do stuff, D or no D, I'll get around to it. That up thing though, trainwreck central. Its so easy to do so much damage so very fast...

[Guiness187055]

Mania destroys all that I have. I hate having to rebuild hence I take my meds regularly.

[Miss Laura]

I struggle with the manic side to Bipolar when the mania turns into sever mania. Like I am having delusions and sever paranoia. Then my world stops and crumbles and I feel sad and alone as no one understands this part of the mania. Most people think its all happy and hyper and wonderful but the sad fact is there is the dark side which is hard. No one understands what life is like on the other side. Lots of people are fascinated with the mania side to Bipolar but when I tell them about the darker side they are shocked