[tsrc78]

I am so overwhelmed right now, my mood completely plummeted today. I've been so waiting for summer vacation to end, but once I sent my girls onto 3rd and 4th grade I bawled.

My husband and I recently started a home-based travel agency over the summer. He is the primary owner in our partnership, because he will be doing most of the work, since we both know I need to watch my stress levels with my illness.

But I have spent the summer doing most of the planning and organizing for the business, overworking myself, not sleeping, trying to take advantage of my mania, because this business HAS to work. Our only income is from the disability I receive as a former state government employee, and it is not enough to get by. I was so stressed about money today, after rent was paid, and trying to figure out how to pay some bills and my older daughter's gymnastics registration and early competition fees.

I feel like a failure, that's why I am throwing myself into this business. Problem is I was able to get work done over the summer, while my husband was too distracted by the girls to get much done. So he was all go, go, go with the business today, the first day we've had the house to ourselves since we started the business. And all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and cry. Which I did for a little while, but forced myself up to do work and planning with him. I was ok until we ate lunch, and suddenly I didn't want to do anything. While I have no doubt my husband will be handling most of the bookings when this gets off the ground, so much now is about plannng our business, marketing our business, creating a professional online presence. And it is exhausting. And I'm the one who has been doing most of that because of how OCD I am about research and details.

But today, I just couldn't take it. I just could not take it. And I wanted to run away. Not harm myself, but abandon my family and hopefully just disappear into nothingness.

The thing is, I rarely worry about suicide. I get thoughts, but have never had a plan. However last year I had a very elaborate plan for how to leave my family. Had everything mapped out on how to keep paying bills, leave enough money for them, take out enough money for myself, and stay on the move. Had I not fallen asleep for three hours, instead of using that three hours to pack and get a head start, I would have left. All of the horrible things I did last year, I hated myself, but I couldn't stop, and my family deserved better than to have me still in their lives. So I could just go away.

I've been thinking about leaving a few times over the summer, when the stress was too much. But I have no money now. I had contacted a past friend, but realized my plan to leave probably wouldn't work out. I had a falling out with another friend about a month ago, and erased all of his contact info from my phone, but I found out a way to get it back. I'm trying to control the impulse to get this info back, because I'm pretty sure I could stay there. I just think I would be found too quickly.

I HATE this, I don't want to think like this! . But when I get as emotional and overwhelmed as I am now, all of these thoughts and plans come into my mind, and it's so hard to keep from just disappearing. I just want to lay on the couch and cry the rest of the day, but I've got to pick up my daughter from gymnastics, got to pick up some prescriptions, may have to heat up dinner depending on when my husband gets up from his nap. He is supportive, he is VERY supportive, he could have left me. But this was his "we finally get to work uninterrupted day" when it had turned into my "I am too emotional and mentally frazzled to work today day." Took 2 Klonopin, listened to classical music for 55 minutes, and I am still so frazzled.

I don't know. Sorry I'm rambling so much, I do that a lot. I just have no one to talk to about this. I want to just leave, I am too overwhelmed right now, but I feel so terrible thinking that. I know I've got to find a way to stop thinking about this, I just don't know how. Thanks for listening.

I am sorry for what you've been through and to know you suffer these thoughts also. As a kid and teenager I ran away a few times when things were really bad. My family was not really the problem and not what I was running from. I was running from pain. In my adult life when I've been what would be considered "manic" I've gotten it into my head that the only way I can get better is to leave my family and I've planned to run a few times. Fortunately when manic I can't create good plans and get distracted easily.......the last thing that would be helpful for me is to be manic on the streets without my loved ones and support......yet when I get "racey" and overwhelmed I think it's a solution. I'm glad you have not left and glad I have not either. I love my family so, so much but there is no doubt they sometimes cause great stress to me. That's true of pretty much all families, no matter how healthy or well meaning. Take care. (((Hugs)))

[99fairies]

When I feel like running away I just lock myself in my bedroom and let my husband take care of the kids. After a few hours of alone time I usually feel somewhat refreshed and can jump back into life. Sorry you feel so desperate, thinking of you.

[Sunflower123]

When I run away, I run to a very secluded cabin in the Smokies that has a jacuzzi, fireplace and a wonderful hot tub. There's no one to be seen for miles. After about 4 days alone and staring up at the stars while soaking in the hot tub I gain my equilibrium back. It sounds like you badly need a break. You might say you can't afford it money wise or time wise but what's going to happen if you breakdown or burn out? You could plan a small 2 day trip to see if that helps.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Sending big hugs.

[tsrc78]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

When I run away, I run to a very secluded cabin in the Smokies that has a jacuzzi, fireplace and a wonderful hot tub. There's no one to be seen for miles. After about 4 days alone and staring up at the stars while soaking in the hot tub I gain my equilibrium back. It sounds like you badly need a break. You might say you can't afford it money wise or time wise but what's going to happen if you breakdown or burn out? You could plan a small 2 day trip to see if that helps.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Sending big hugs.

Wow Jennifer, that sounds wonderful! I would love to get away for a few days, just by myself, because the only alone time I have each day, from my husband and/or kids, is after everyone is FINALLY asleep, which can greatly vary depending on if my kids wake up within about 90 minutes of attempting to fall asleep. I think it's so hard for me to stay on a sleep schedule because it's not until 10:00 - 10:30 p.m. when I am completely convinced my kids will not be engaging in anymore shenanigans to stay up later, and are completely asleep. Who wants to turn around and go to bed at 11:00 when you've been around people all day! While we are spending so much time building our business now, I'm not sure what I can do actually get away by myself, I'm not sure if he'd completely trust me to do that anyhow. But I've got to figure out something.

I did end up taking a small nap after dinner (which I did ask my husband to prepare if I picked up our girl from gymnastics, and he was happy to do that), and then got more sleep last night, so I'm feeling a bit better this morning. I'm starting with a new therapist next week, I've only seen her once where she allowed me to just talk and she developed a treatment plan. I need to address this sleep and needing alone time issue. I also see the new pdoc the following week (I think) to figure out another plan of action since adding 50 mg of Seroquel (a drug I had taken up to 800 mg in the past) suddenly made my mood swings and depression plummet, to the point I wanted to harm myself, so I got off that quickly.

The problem is that since my original pdoc left last December, I've only had sporadic therapy and med management. I took myself off of Seroquel and Lithium, saw a new pdoc, who I really didn't like, and eventually stopped taking the pathetic 150 mg of Trileptal and 1 mg of Risperdal the next month, which were not helping at all. That was the end of April. Right now I'm only taking 300 mg of Lamictal (when I only really remember to take 150 mg a day) and up to 3 mg Klonopin a day (when I only really remember to take 1 mg a day). Another problem, I know. So I'll just try to hope someone can help me get more stable, these constant, rapid mood shifts are really getting to me. Thanks for listening.