[xRavenx]

Hi everyone,

I just got back from being a few days. I thought everything would be better, being in a different setting. I thought maybe this Fall would be different, where I do not fall into a bad episode. I've proved myself wrong, that now I'm worse than I've been in a long time.

Every day, now multiple times per day, I have moments where I am not really "present".....I am experiencing hearing someone talk to me (usually someone I know), who isn't present, and I am talking back (but not out loud), and usually about something painful. My heart will race, and I am brought to tears. It feels so real when it happens.

This started happening occasionally for a couple of weeks, but it has gotten to a point that I am not fully about to "hide," myself. 2 relatives caught me and asked if I was okay and showed worry towards me, but it was embarrassing, this made me cry more and panic. There was no way I can explain this. I'm not sure if anyone else experienced anything similar during an episode??? It's scaring me.

I'm losing the ability to even be able to fully question my thoughts or test reality. There are frequently times I get random images of people I care about dying and losing my mind as a result.

I feel very much alone and find myself staying up at night, fearful that I will die in my sleep. The negative, anxious feelings are now turning into what might be paranoia? The thoughts are dark, and it's become very hard to get a grip on them. Of course, there's the racing thoughts. I am afraid to sleep tonight again. I have extra Seroquel pills that are 1 dose higher that I think my pdoc wouldn't mind me taking, but sometimes the thoughts take over convincing me that I can die if I up my dose. When those thoughts become so strong, it's hard to talk myself out of it, but I will try. It might help, if I take it, but I don't think that's the only answer. Tomorrow I'll call the pdoc, now that I am back home.

I'm at a loss at when this will all be over and how I am going to get out of this or how long this will take. I figured that I'd write here, since I really don't have anyone who could remotely understand or relate.

[99fairies]

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Sounds miserable. Thinking of you.

[still_crazy]

sorry about this. i dont...have any major suggestions. i had intense dissociative stuff during my nervous breakdown...ativan helped, somewhat.

try to get some sleep and see if you can maintain a decent sleep/wake cycle. can you get in touch with your psychiatrist? increasing the seroquel a bit might be a good quick fix, if the doctor gives it the OK.

i do hope things get better for you.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Sounds miserable. Thinking of you.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by still_crazy

sorry about this. i dont...have any major suggestions. i had intense dissociative stuff during my nervous breakdown...ativan helped, somewhat.

try to get some sleep and see if you can maintain a decent sleep/wake cycle. can you get in touch with your psychiatrist? increasing the seroquel a bit might be a good quick fix, if the doctor gives it the OK.

i do hope things get better for you.

Thanks. Maybe by telling my pdoc about the fear of dying at night that came on during all this. I am hoping that if I hear her say it won't happen, then maybe I can talk myself out of these beliefs. It can go either way, since there have been times that I have been paranoid about certain things, where doctors could only help convince me about things in that moment, but when I get home, the thoughts start again. I will call her tomorrow. This is terrible, and it's a really triggering time of the year for me, since other episodes have occurred around this time.

[Guess7131]

I have dp/dr and when this happens to me the only thing i can do is reassure myself that im fine and there is nothing to worry about. But this doesn't always work and i wish there was something that does work but i haven't found it. It's an awful thing to dissociate, im sorry this is happening to you and i hope you overcome this.

I can relate to many of the things you've mentioned.....if I were doing better I'd highlight them just so you know you are not alone in feeling like this and that it will likely pass as it has for me. Well, I still battle some of the things you mentioned but they do not consume me like they do when unwell. Medication helps me most I think.....plus time and talking to people I trust. I'm so, so very sorry for what you are dealing with and I hope you find a solution soon. (((Hugs)))

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I can relate to many of the things you've mentioned.....if I were doing better I'd highlight them just so you know you are not alone in feeling like this and that it will likely pass as it has for me. Well, I still battle some of the things you mentioned but they do not consume me like they do when unwell. Medication helps me most I think.....plus time and talking to people I trust. I'm so, so very sorry for what you are dealing with and I hope you find a solution soon. (((Hugs)))

(((Hugs))). Thank you, Elsa. It is good to know that medication has helped you, and I'm glad to hear that you find other things that provide you with some relief too, like having people you confide in. I feel kind of isolated, but this has been a great place. My pdoc is really nice, and I do find her much more helpful than my last pdoc. Some of these issues are so hard to put into words, so I have a hard time articulating all of this in person with others, but I know it will come down to me having to try to explain to a friend or family member what is going on with me. I'm sorry that you are still struggling and hope that you also feel better.

(((((((((xRavenx))))))))) You will be in my thoughts. I'm so sorry you're going through this...

[Wander]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this horror. It must be harrowing. I have no advice to offer but do send you my love and as much peace as can be sent across the world. Keep in touch with your t and pdoc as much as possible and use whatever support network you have. (((HUGS)))

[xRavenx]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me. I will try to take it one day at a time and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I guess I have to accept that things are going to be harder than usual, until my meds are straightened out and time has passed. Hopefully my pdoc could help me figure out this dissociation thing and what to do about it. I'm out of work for now and figure that not going too many places tomorrow might help temporarily, since I noticed that being away from home too long makes things worse.