Afraid if I sleep I will become depressed again!

Post is super long actual question is the last paragraph thanks!

Hello! I have been reading a lot here but have just signed up to be able to post myself. I have a question that I can't ask anyone in my life so I'm hoping you guys can help me!

Quick history I am currently undiagnosed(well my psychiatrist didn't want to diagnose me before and my last appointment I decided I dont want to be diagnosed). Had long depressions since late teens and periods in between where I would take on more than I could handle then crash again and quit everything. Other than a suicide attempt at 17 I never really tried to get help for this I would just go to the Dr and say I was tired and they would do blood tests and tell me I was fine. I didn't have many of the symptoms of hypomania so we never really talked about that again. My dad and grandfather were also bipolar 2.

In January I was finally honest about my depression to a family Dr and they put me on citalopram. 6 weeks later I was admitted to a psych ward for a week to come off of it when I told them the thoughts I was having(about hurting people) and I was self harming. Was then under a psychiatrist instead of family Dr. He put me on mirtazapine which lead to daily mood swings and I started drinking heavily to deal with it. Quit sleeping and was very suicidal so they gave me quetiapine. I hated it, I was way too tired so I went off and started drinking even more. Ended up a second time in the drunk tank because I would black out and get extremely suicidal and smash things and finally agreed to go to a voluntary ward for 2 weeks. I got off the alcohol and mirtazapine there and they put me on bupropion and zopiclone. I no longer take the zopiclone but did for the first month or so.

I love bupropion! I am so happy but I am afraid to lose it again. There may be some symptoms of hypomania but I kept those to myself at my last psych appt because I really don't want the threatened mood stabilizers, also why I don't want a diagnosis. (Little sleep with lots of energy, some pressured speech(husband gets annoyed), super high sex drive, very increased confidence, no fear, some impulsiveness(nothing major though)) I slept 3hrs a night for the last almost 3 weeks without any problem, I feel better than ever, but I'm starting to feel tired(my eyes and brain want to shut down but my body and mind are still busy). I try to fight it but last night I slept 8hrs. I am scared that if this keeps up I will go right back to being depressed! I don't think I know what normal is or if its even possible. Does the crash happen fast every time, like would I feel depressed already if that's what is happening? Or do you think I'm just happy and sleeping won't ruin it for me?

welcome to psych central. I hope you feel your time here to be helpful.

I'm no expert, but human beings need sleep. 3 hours per night is not enough to remain healthy.

I strongly advise you to work with your psychiatrist and find a combo of meds that works for you.

Crashes are different for different people and at different times. A little while back I had one that felt like putting on a lead overcoat. It happened during an afternoon. The last few days I seem to be on a more gradual downturn.

Buproprion (wellbutrin) works well for me also. My psychiatrist is being cautious about letting me have it again, slowly upping my dose this time. She won't let me launch myself into hypomania.

Being up front and getting diagnosed has brought other meds into the mix. Lamictal helps keep me from going deep into depression. Yes, it is a mood stabilizer. It is a commonly used med for bipolar. I am not saying that you would get that, but you would get meds that better fit your symptoms if they know what they are.

Depression sucks worse than hypomania. I get that; I mean I really get that. But just because my pdoc is keeping a watchful eye and trying to keep me from getting hypomanic (because I would in a heartbeat) doesn't mean she isn't fighting the depression also. I still get a voice in my treatment and I can have the buproprion as long as I let her carefully titrate the right dosage.

Welcome to PC! I hope you find the answers you're looking for. I take lamictal as well and it has been my miracle drug, it has kept me out of depression for a very long time.

WELCOME TO PC !!!

WC

Thank you all for answering and welcoming me. It's going to be so nice to have someone to talk to. I have no friends because I quit everything when I get depressed and people just don't like me. I can get along with everyone but long term I think they just don't understand how I can act so different from one day to the next(or one week or month etc.).

I am still not depressed and all of my other switches lately were much faster than this(I spent a week depressed before this most recent upswing on bupropion and had lots on the other meds) so I feel like I should be ok for now. I slept 2hrs Friday night and 7hrs last night so it is evening out to be enough sleep anyways. I was hoping someone would say it sounds like I'm just happy and probably not even bipolar at all. Looks like that isn't going to happen but I had hope haha.

I wish I felt like I could work with my pdoc but I feel like no one cares if I am still depressed they only care if I am too far up. Even my husband said maybe it would be better if I was depressed instead Pdoc said he would try a different med to stabilize my mood if the swings continued but he said they usually try quetiapine first because it doesn't require any blood tests or monitoring. So basically they just want to do whatever is easiest and that doesn't give me any faith that I will get any real help. He only books me in every 12 weeks and I see a counselor and get her to move my appointment up when things get really bad. He probably knew I was lying about not having anything else to tell him anyway lol. I am just so confused about how to get help without them pushing me too far down again.

I just feel desperate to stay away from the depression, I REALLY enjoy life right now(well at least the parts I want to enjoy and I just ignore the rest, like most responsibilities). I am hoping I can stay like this for as long as possible, I don't feel that there is any risk of mania and I deserve to be happy at least for a while.

Hello. Welcome to PC.