[Matt75]

Hi everyone,
I've had a series of major depressive episodes in the last three years or so, to the point that I was on short-term disability at my job for a few months twice. Just came back to work from the most recent episode. I have two mental health pros helping me: a therapist and a medication counselor (nurse practitioner).

This summer, after few months of sertraline and trazodone, I experienced serotonin syndrome. Thought I had Parkinson's disease, such was the irresistible nature of my tremors. Stopped both meds.

Have seen a few counselors in my life, and was never asked about manic episodes until two weeks ago. Was asked about times in my life where I needed little to no sleep, highly energized, racing thoughts, etc. Well that describes several years of my young adulthood and at least one months-long period in my recent life (I'm 41 y.o.).

Based on my response to the mania question, and my reaction to sertraline, the nurse practitioner diagnosed bipolar type 2. Things all added up for me: all the recklessness/impulsivity, racing thoughts, belief in my ultimate superiority (with no real evidence to remotely support that), need for seemingly no sleep, brilliant insights/ideas with no real follow-through or idea how to do so. This was a pattern of behavior for months/years in my teens/twenties and again a couple years ago (when I was on sertraline for the first time).

I don't what to do with myself. I have an appointment next week with both mental health pros, the therapist isn't so sure I am bipolar and I am supposed to register for some in-office 'assessments' to narrow the possibilities. I feel quite certain that I have bipolar 2, and I don't know what the future holds. My family depends on my salary (sole breadwinner with wife and two children). My wife has for years relied on me as her 'normalcy' as she has depression herself.

I'm struggling, as I have for a long time, to reconcile whether I have a mental illness or I am just a bad person who is fine but makes terrible choices repeatedly and suffers psychologically from the consequences.

Anyway, that's my quandary today. I feel some better having spread the word to this community and any response would be welcome. Thanks for reading.

[UpDownAround]

I am a high functioning type 2. I am fortunate to be a software developer because the quirky nerd stereotype is not baseless. IMO, what you do with yourself depends a lot on how successful they are in helping you get out of the depression. I spend long periods moderately depressed with occasional deep dives and have managed to function without long absences. I hated the stigma of MI and denied my diagnosis for a very long time. Accepting it and getting proper treatment improved my life dramatically. The stigma is real and it does suck but the untreated problems suck worse IMO.

[Matt75]

Thanks UpDownAround. I'm happy for you that you can function relatively well, it's encouraging for me. I'm a tax accountant, and it's so dreary at times in my cube that I want to hide (in fact I have at times).
It's good to hear from someone that there's hope for continuing to be 'who' I am, just more stable. Thanks for your kind words.

[Wild Coyote]

WELCOME TO PC!

Matt, some of your history sounds similar to mine. I'd had a lot of hypomania in my early adulthood. I now experience mostly severe, prolonged depressions. I am diagnosed "Bipolar II."

I hope you find your time here helpful. Please ask questions, as there are members here with a lot of knowledge and insight.

Hope to see you around the forum.


WC

[Matt75]

Thanks Wild Coyote, I plan to be around and learn from my peers

[Shazerac]

I seriously doubt you are a bad person... Sometimes people who are mostly depressed don't get "noticed" as bipolar. Taking anti depressants can actually cause hypomania in people who where never diagnosed as bipolor because the depression was the dominant symton. Welcome to Psych Central.

[Matt75]

Thanks Shazerac - my guilt and shame seem to preclude any notion of psychopathy or sociopathy.

Yes! I think the first time I was on sertraline, back in 2014/2015, it most certainly triggered a hypomanic episode but my counselor, wife and I thought it was just me feeling 'good' for the first time in a while. I'm thankful for your encouragement and everyone else's.

Welcome, Matt75

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by Matt75

my guilt and shame seem to preclude any notion of psychopathy or sociopathy.

I did a lot of drugs in my teens and one of my first reactions to weird feelings and impulses was that I caused it from drug abuse and I tried to hide it like I would using drugs. But I had clarity for some time after I stopped using. There is also some family history. Even if I were right and my drug use contributed, feeling guilt or shame should not preclude me from seeking help and moving past it. IMO, the most important thing is doing what you can to recover. Getting rid of the emotional baggage will help with that.

[Sunflower123]

I don't think you're a bad person, I think you have a mental illness. I'm glad you sought help for your mental health. Good luck with your appointments. Sending big hugs.

[bizi]

Welcome Matt!
Hope you have a good day!
bizi

[Matt75]

Thanks so much, all of you, for all your support.



I'm facing up to some serious errors I've made financially during this latest battle, and even though I have a loving wife feel very alone in dealing with them because I keep things to myself. Your kindness is so meaningful to me right now.

I will update after my appointments and I look forward to getting to know you all as I recover and make the best of my life as it is.

[Matt75]

Originally Posted by UpDownAround

I did a lot of drugs in my teens and one of my first reactions to weird feelings and impulses was that I caused it from drug abuse and I tried to hide it like I would using drugs. But I had clarity for some time after I stopped using. There is also some family history. Even if I were right and my drug use contributed, feeling guilt or shame should not preclude me from seeking help and moving past it. IMO, the most important thing is doing what you can to recover. Getting rid of the emotional baggage will help with that.

This means so much to me, because it sounds so familiar. Thank you

[Unrigged64072835]

I was diagnosed with depression for many years until 2013, when I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. I lost my high-paying job and went on disability. I used to be the breadwinner though my husband used to do well. We're trying to go to college to get a different degree, but for me it's hard. He ended up on disability as well for MS and depression.

I hope the therapy will help with easing some of the pressure and getting coping skills. Lots of people who are bipolar still have jobs and do well. Lots of them don't. Either way, it's not a character defect but just the nature of the illness.