[lost_lover]

I should preface this that my insurance got canceled and I have had to screw around with my med dosages to make them last longer because I am not going to have insurance for a few weeks.

Most of my life I have sought the approval and companionship of others, I beloved that it was through their support I could move my life to a better place. This morning I see how most of the people I considered positive forces in my life have left me when I am no longer putting on the fake happy face that I have learned so well from years of working in the service industry. I do not know what they see when they see a less filtered version of me, but they certainly do not realize there is no parallel between what they see occasionally and what I see every day of my life.

It has been shown to me that to depend on the companionship and support of another is a dangerous crutch that will give out any day. Possibly it is a sign of weakness that I have not more independently managed my life. Years ago it was explained to me that my brain does not work like that of most people. There are many functions expected of me by society that are a struggle that never ceases. The harder I fight to be that person that people want to see the harder it is to wake up the next day to know it is time to do it again.

After reflection on what causes the most pain in my life I feel it is time that I pursue a life mostly of solitude. Allowing myself to be who I am and without the confines of expectations. There are a few things I have to finish in my current path before I can remove myself from the world I have created. Once I have achieved the nessesary goals to live a comfortable life I plan to end contact with all those in my life who do not accept me.

This thread was titled with the feeling that others think that the inconvenience of my unsteady behavior is worthy of contempt. These people do not understand that is what shows through to the outside. Inside that slight wavering is an endless jumbled scream that never stops. Living in my broken mind,and viewing the world through my eyes is pure pain.

[Jensitive22]

Lost Lover,
I feel your pain and can relate with what you are saying. My concern for you, and for others like us, is the need to isolate keeps us alone in our miserable mind. We are alone with no other perspective but what our depression tells us. While it is hard, exhausting to live with others, engagement with them forces us out of our head, sometimes long enough to snap us back into awareness of life outside our head.

When I lost my job and my insurance I suffered a year without medication before I finally reached out to our county mental health services. I qualified for free services and free medication.

[Wild Coyote]

In reality, this world can be a very painful place. Yet, we are also offered moments (sometimes seasons) of experiencing the beauty and the joy.

As Jensensitive has encouraged you to do, please look into alternatives for staying on your meds while awaiting insurance coverage.

I think we all wonder (and often doubt) whether others will ever accept us as we are, accepting us unconditionally. When I think about whether others accept me as I am, I find I have to ask myself if I accept others in this way?

It feels quite amazing and very "freeing" to feel accepted as we are. I have many, many faults; yet, when I take time to be genuinely myself, taking that risk with "safe" people, I find I am usually accepted as I am.

Please don't fall into the trap of totally isolating.
Studies show "isolation" affects us in ways which can cause even further isolation.

I am so glad you'd felt you could reach out and be yourself here!

Please let us know how you are doing?


WC

[lost_lover]

I had dinner with a friend last night that I used to spend a lot more time with but we drifted apart. After a while we got on the topic of why I seem to have lost all my friends and I was basically told I need to shut up and smile more. That I am always a downer to people and just cannot seem to be happy about anything.

For the past year I have been working really hard on not expressing negative emotions toward people in my life. That is why I tried online counseling and post places like this, so I don't start talking about it with people in person. It is just that I spend all day at work and out in the world trying to act like everything is perfect and I am happy that when I am around people I am comfortable with stuff comes out of my mouth that isn't happy.

People say stuff like, try talking about the good things going on in your life. Sometimes I can do that but for a while, especially before my chronic pain was managed, I just didn't have good days. When I would explain something that was an achievement of the day for me it would be something like actually doing my hair and it is so lame people think that is be complaining.

I don't have the energy in me for my personal life to be full of people who. I have to keep putting the show on for. People give me the most awful examples of how they can 'relate' and how they 'overcame' the issue. Sure there are people out there who can relate but they are not these people. Constantly hearing voices that sound like someone on the other side of the door talking about you and being unable to differentiate reality from things I just imagined to the point that when I actually do something important I have to leave myself a note explaining it really happened is not the same as sometimes you think you see a bug on your arm that isn't really there and just up and swat it away.

[Sunflower123]

Please keep posting here. I support and accept you.

[Shazerac]

You have some very good insight. Thank you for your post.

[Fuzzybear]

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I can relate to so much of it.......so, so much. I think the responders here had very good advise and I hope it helps you......I think I really needed to read it today. I hope things improve for you.