[zbmom]

I've been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation since I was a young child. I have typically managed to keep a functional "act" up. Overachieving, successful, hard worker etc. I put so much into looking "normal" I'm exhausted during my down time. I'm highly educated, I have a professional career, a child, a spouse. I feel so guilty all the time for being mentally ill. I hate that my brain doesn't work right and that I often feel anxious and overwhelmed and scared of the future. I love my family and I guess in a lot of ways they're why I'm still here. I can't take meds, at least I haven't found any that didn't just make me worse.

Sometimes I question if I'm really bipolar but I think it's because I don't want to be. I was diagnosed about 7 years ago. I do fit the DSM criteria sort of and I seem to get hypomanias although not too often but I don't know of any other people who are bipolar and don't take meds and don't destroy their lives. Every time I tried meds they made me a danger to myself so I'm too scared to try again. I don't want to put my family through that so I just suffer with the depression. I also have PTSD, and GAD. Things are hard right now. I'm really depressed. I made an appt with my therapist for this week, haven't seen her since November last year. I tried to talk to my psychiatrist a couple of months ago about the fact that I seem to be cycling a lot but I chickened out. I'm in the helping profession myself, it's not a huge community and I don't want to give the impression that I can't handle things. Also I have had no luck with meds so it seems useless to bring it up. The psychiatrist mainly prescribes me stuff for my anxiety.

Anyways I'm just feeling really low right now and I'm wondering if anyone else is struggling to maintain the "normal" mask and is having to stay in the proverbial bipolar closet for their career's sake.

[Thissucks1]

Yesssss! I’m not on any medication other than a mood stabilizers and a as needed med for panic attacks. I’ve tried a ton more than I could count and I hated how I felt. Now I am not recommending not being on medication but it’s what I chose and it’s hard but it has worked. So far.. I was diagnosed 6 years ago and have had periods of my life that it was awful and I had episodes all the time then I’ll go a couple of months that I am controlling it well. I feel like I should win emmys for how well I “act” normal. I struggle a lot with maintaining the stress of it sometimes. You are not alone in the fight trust me!! It was so hard for me to feel safe enough to open up to my therapist about how I was feeling. I was terrified about how it could affect my life outside her office. It helps me having someone to talk to that believes it’s a illness and understands and helps me look at things differently. It could help but that’s ultimately up to you. I hope it gets easier for you and know you’re not alone..

[Tucson]

I used to be high functioning. I was quickly moving to the top of my career. Then I started cycling more where both the hypomanias and depression became more severe. I then had to go on disability. Much of the time I probably do function better than many with my MI. I will be working inside of the next couple months. I will have to put my face on then.

[NatsukiKuga]

I'm late-career and still function well. Mind you, I take a metric ****ton of meds, and I do cycle, but the Unhappy Pills buy me enough air cover until I can settle down.

And yes, I keep it in the closet.

Yes, I'm high functioning. I'm technically an executive, but I'm not treated that way. I'm having some difficulty accepting my new role (I've been in the job a year).

I went without medication for many years. I had a manic event triggered by phen/gen diet pills, and I was so humiliated, I quit that job. When I recovered from the humiliation, I asked for my job back, but they had hired someone else.

Nothing else happened for over 20 years, nothing obvious (people don't recognize hypomania, and I "act" through depression. This next time when I went manic, it was st a company that was about to go out of business anyway. I was laid off in the next round, which was no surprise. That manic event was unexpectedly set off by insomnia from propanolol.

I had a hypomanic event triggered by gabapentin start up, but the gabapentin no longer makes me energetic. Now it relaxes me. Maybe that time was a coincidence.

I can't take any more chances. I'm taking lithium, and so far no side effects, like everything else. I really don't know where I would work if I lose this job. I've climbed too high now; it would be unlikely that I would be able to get something else. There are hardly any jobs in my area in my industry. We moved here for my late husband's job.

Anyway, they don't suspect anything where I work, but they have noticed my mouth a bit when hypomanic and they notice my anxiety. I am pulling out of a depression right now. A lot of wishing I could die was happening, not that I felt like doing anything about it.

So, I started with a therapist to help me cope.

I'm hanging in there. I was in my early 30s when this all started. In in my early 50s now.

[Naynay99]

Hey. If high functioning means that I am really good at wearing a sanity mask and appearing okay even when I am out of my fuucking mind, then I suppose I am. I mean I suppose my being able to work and have a good job and a decent place to live etc makes me look like i have my shiit together. And sometimes I do. Other times it's all just an illusion.
I am single and while I have some good friends only one person really knows the true extent of my mood disorder. And I can tell you that is a very lonely place to be- trying hard not only to be okay but conceal it when u r not to protect your career. I feel for you.

As for the med stuff. Idk. I can't take most medications, and even my dr isn't sure if what I am currently on is actually doing anything. But I am pretty good and have been since this spring so I am crossing my fingers that I can keep up this mostly normal mood state.

Anyway, hang in there. U are not alone. Take care.

[Slightlydelusional]

I put a good fight being functional through professional work but came crashing down in a mega-mania at the age of 40. My BP emerged at 30 so did a good ten years but couldnt hold it together any longer and now Im more blue-collar, do my work and go home n forget about it till next shift.

[Carmina]

Yes most of the time I get away with it - put on my game face

I am high functioning. Rarely manic (just enough to land me with the diagnosis); spent most of my time on the depressed end -- mixed episodes where my biggest issues from time to time.

I've worked full-time as a teacher (now my 32nd year) the entire time. I also hold a PTSD diagnosis which, quite honestly, caused me much more grief than my bipolar diagnosis. In fact, once my therapy had helped me get the PTSD issues under control, my bipolar symptoms settled WAY down to manageable.

I've been in full remission from all symptoms BP and PTSD for over 4 years now and have not been on meds during remission. I hold hope that even if I should have symptoms return in the future, I am much better equipped to be proactive and manage them without them getting nearly as severe as they used to be.

[liveforsummer]

Yes Id say I'm high functioning. In my twenties it was depression (which I hid) and anxiety panic attacks which I couldn't hide as I had people drive me to the emerg in my state of confused panic (everyone chalked that up to a miscarriage Id had though the issues continued for decades). Even the hypo back then was just categorized as fun party girl. Then next few decades we moved an hour away from both sides of family and I never had close friends nearby. Very easy to hide symptoms. Im a college grad and I've worked different jobs most of the time and juggled lots kids activities etc. Just 2014 had very mixed year yet again no one the wiser, just husband thought I was way more amorous than usual. Then 2017 came along and blew my life wide open to family and friends. And even then as I was up down and mixed the only person who knew initially was my husband s by then it was so obvious. Others just said "I never realized". I was always a good liar as a kid to get outa trouble and I guess I hid this very well too. Except now its made me far sicker than Ive ever been. I think I am now paying a price for burying my emotions, fears and anxieties all of my life.

[UpDownAround]

I have done pretty well off and on meds through the years but always maintaining a senior level software development job since my first diagnosis 23 years ago. During the 15 years prior to that I was working without any medication and not realizing what the symptoms were. There have been hiccups. I took a demotion at my current company several years ago during a major depressive episode. I was convinced that my leadership role doomed the project to failure and refused to continue in that role. I was lucky not to be fired. The person who took over the leadership role was prone to profanity laced rants in meetings and often argued with others in design meetings. While this made the workplace somewhat toxic, my arrogance and poor communication skills during hypomanic episodes was tolerated better than it would have been in a more professional setting. I told someone in HR about my disorder.

Most of the time my swings are not that severe and there have been periods of 2-3 years at a time where it was more like cyclothymia than full bipolar disorder. But then I would take a deep dive into major depression or get delusional (thinking I am immortal is my most common one) and/or "go nuclear" on someone I was debating a point with while hypomanic. Diagnosis is based on your worst episodes, so mine is type II bipolar disorder. I am currently taking meds and feel closer to being stabilized than I have in a long time.

EDIT TO ADD - I am 5 to 7 years from retirement, so I think I am going to be able to pull this off though it is becoming more difficult; I have had some declines in attention, memory and logical reasoning. Not so much that I fear not being able to work, just that when this job ends (likely in the not too distant future, before retirement) I will likely have to take a lower paying, less challenging job. The projects I have worked on for years are in maintenance now and the work is not as demanding as it was during development.

[WildcatVet]

I was very high functioning for most of my life...after teen and early 20's IPs...but it was only because I became an expert at wearing a mask and squelching my real feelings. Started self medicating and that's when the s**t hit the fan. Am now on disability and at my age I doubt I'll ever get back to a *normal* life.

[Matt75]

I have functioned highly enough to earn two degrees, parts of two others and be relatively 'successful' in professional services/corporate environments for 10 years. My disorder(s) were unexamined/undiagnosed until earlier this year. I have had anxiety, depressive episodes and what I now recognize as hypo/mania without psychosis at various times for the duration of my adult life (I'm 41).

I never recognized the extremes of my mood/emotion and masked it very well in retrospect. In fact I have been quite unaware/unwilling to acknowledge the extremities until recently. But the trail of destructive behaviors in my life includes persistent dishonesty to cover mistakes/avoid accountability, consistent delusional overconfidence in my abilities and intelligence, and interpersonal/situational avoidance. Consequences of this behavior include financial ruin/peril, marital discord/loss of marital trust, damage in familial relationships, substance abuse, and frequent changes in education/career pursuits.

I am grateful to finally know that I have a medical explanation for my skewed adaptations to life. That awareness doesn't help me to relieve the level of responsibility I possess as the sole full-time worker with a wife and two sons. I have avoided my own self care for years because my wife has long-diagnosed and treated mental illness of her own and has looked to me as her 'rock' for much of our relationship. I have painted myself/our family into an ever-tightening corner. I have observed some decline in practical working skills, attention and intensification of mood symptoms over the past three years or so which concerns me greatly for both the present and future.

TL;DR I think I WAS high functioning but that is not so much the case anymore.

[wildflowerchild25]

I am only high functioning with the aide of proper medication. Without it....it's not so good.