Creativity

I work as a full time craftsman/artist (bladesmith) and I've lost both the joy and motivation to create. I feel like this started with Abilify. In many aspects I've improved... I'm closer and more of a partner to my wife, more patient, less likely to explode or shut down. I'm also more productive in a boring sense with my work... no distractions and tangents (when I'm in that mood). Just not pushing boundaries anymore. Also I don't stop working in favor of sleep and movies/books etc like I do when depressed. I'm also eating healthy and losing weight. But it's a struggle to get out there to the shop. I do it because I'm more responsible now not because I love it. I feel like I will lose my client base... people who expect certain things from me.

I'm also less creative with my kids... taking them out to build a sundial, pizza ovens, the manic creation of a climbing wall in my son's bedroom to my wife's concern. Most of these are the positive side of hypomania as many of you know. I want to be the bright star in my family to counter my wife's responsibility and conservative attitude.

How do I achieve balance??? I want to quit abilify... which I was put on to balance Wellbutrin I think. Also to make me feel all around 'good'. I don't know... this is so very distressing to me. I feel like I've learned so much about myself since the recent diagnosis (1 year to the month) and that between therapy and awareness I can take care of things without medication. My disorder is not as extreme as other folks... in terms being absolutely out of control and psychotic (other than a mixed state which led to hospitization when on Zoloft). It's more about making really bad decisions with my work, spending money, irritation and other behavior problems when I'm hypo. Anyway... I really want to ditch all meds except for lamotrigine which really helps to regulate my anger management and tendency to completely shut down.

Sorry for the long winded post and I know there are no clean answers... but I needed to get it off my chest.

Have you told this to your pdoc?

not yet... but will of course.

I'm bipolar and an artist. I never realized that I relied on the hypomania to "feel" inspired to go in my studio and paint until I got into treatment.

When I got "stable" from treatment and meds, I felt like I lost that "spark".... the divine madness.

I talked it over with my art teacher who knows I'm bipolar. Her mother was bipolar so she's had experience with it. She said many artist go through periods where they just don't feel like making art. Not just bipolar people. That we just need to show up lay out our tools and start doing it. I've looked back over my artwork. I have a huge body of work created over the years. My work is better now than it ever was before. I have the proof in front of my eyes.

I feel grief and loss over those high feelings. I had fun sometimes but over all it was damaging to my own mental health and relationships with others.

You may need a med adjustment, or reduction of meds. Only you know how you feel and what you need.

After years of complaining about feeling dull and fogged out by meds I finally got my doctor to prescribe provigil for me. It has really helped and I feel more clear and able to think again. Maybe this might be an option for you.

Best of luck in your journney

PS: being a bladesmith sounds fascinating. I have a great love of blades of all sorts. I love to watch that show about then on TV "Forged in Fire."

Have you tried any med adjustments to combat this?

I know this is the stereotypical image of the bipolar artist 'touched by fire'... but now that I'm experiencing.. it's something that really happens. Another thing... I've loved to read all my life as well at watch movies and that has really become.... something I can't do. It could be that being stable means that you don't need that 'fantasy shelter' in the same way.. i.e. escape from reality. Now I spend more time with my wife. I don't know... so many good things. But it's affecting my work. Nothing is free I suppose.

Sometimes stereotypes are kind of true. your are still in the beginning of your journey. It took me several years to get stable and at the right level for me. My creativity is still alive. It just feels different now.

I do still get hypomania from time to time. When that happens I enjoy the ride

Thank you... I will toss the Provogil to my pdoc. But she seems so behind on current research. She told me on my last visit that she thinks 'mixed events' are a myth. But living in an isolated area... I have no choice. Thinking about spending some time at the Mayo clinic to get another opinion.

Ah yes... the Forged in Fire show. Turned out to be way better than I expected. I was in the first group of interviewees for the pilot but I turned it down due to scary contract. But like I said... it's better than I thought and has brought a lot of awareness of the craft. They were calling me once a month and I finally told them to stop. My collector base is just too conservative.