[zbmom]

I actually posted this first in the new member forum by accident, thinking it was the bipolar forum so it's a slightly duplicate post but was meant for here.

I've been in therapy for 2 months now, very recently diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar II.

I've just started taking Topamax (literally last night). If anyone has any experience with this med I'd appreciate hearing about it. I'm exhausted and my hands have been tingling since last night.

I'm looking for a way to connect with other people struggling with this illness and just support.

I had a traumatic childhood with sexual, physical and emotional abuse and I was raped as a teenager. I'm a self injurer (cutting) but working on stopping and I'm going through cognitive behavioral therapy to learn how to stop hating myself.

I just want to get my life on track and feel healthy. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son and I don't want to spend any more of my life just "getting through it".

My biggest struggle is my depression, I tend to mainly be depressed and irritable or depressed, despairing and have suicidal thoughts (without intent). I seem to have a hypomanic episode for a few days every 2-3 months but I've been in denial so long about my issues it's hard to pinpoint that exactly.

I'm still having a hard time accepting that I need medication to feel better but I don't want to keep going this way either. The stigma of the illness frightens me. I'm worried about the impact it will have on my future in terms of family planning, my career, and just what limitations I might encounter. I'm scared. I have some family members with Bipolar disorder but they are all classic I's who have been hospitalized, ruined their finances, relationships, alcoholics, etc. Not exactly people I'm comfortable turning to for advice or support as they are not stable themselves.

Anyways I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for here but hopefully I will find it.

[Cole Thornton]

zbmom,

Do not feel stigmatized or worry about what others think. You have a bona fide medical condition. It takes great courage to take this on, and I commend you!

The people in this forum can be a source of great support, and I bet you will be hearing from many of them shortly who support you with their thought and prayers.

[nycgurl]

zbmom,
I am a mom, too. I am BP II and have been suffering for years. I am 41. I also have horrific anxiety. I have taken every medication there is and nothing works. I have an appointment next week with a neuropsychiatrist to try alternatives to medcation.

The stigma also frightens me especially because I am a clinical social worker and work within the mental health field.

I just started coming here for the support. I need validation. I feel so quilty all the time because I am not the person I want to be or hoped to be. I feel like I am losing time.

I also have self-injured, but I don't anymore. My mania manifests itself as severe anxiety, anger, and violence.

This is a hard disease. I feel the same way you do. You are not alone.

Best,
Jolie

[kaliope]

mom,
i am bipolar/ptsd as well. i have also dont my share of self injury. like nycgurl i am a social worker, though never made it to lcsw because i had a major breakdown getting my bsw and was denied admission to the masters program. i struggled with the bipolar for years attempting to manage it with anything other than medication. nothing worked. then with all the things i was learning in my social work classes it brought the ptsd to a head, exacerbating the bipolar and i just lost it. i am a rapid cycler between suicidal depressions, manias (which had become psychotic) and mixed cycles) it came down to knowing i had to try medication or i would be dead. there were no other choices left for me. the first few months were a mess. i ended up hospitalized against my will. i am with the state system, swapping docs so treatment was inconsistent so it took almost three years to find the right meds for me. the depression was gone within the first year and i havent had a problem with it since. i am no longer on antidpressants. the anxiety was easily treated with med and i am off that now as well and still have problems with it but can manage with the skills i have learned in therapy which i still attend every two weeks. finding the right med for the mania,stablizing that was difficult. i would not take anything that had side effects i did not like. i would tolerate a little shaking and some weight gain if the med worked. but if it messed with my thyroid, or caused confusion or forgetfulness or akathesia, perceptual distortion, excessive sleepiness, i would refuse to take it. there are tons of differnt drugs out there they can try. you have to advocate for yourself and speak up if you dont like a med, dont let them force you to stay on a drug you dont like.

my boss just complimented me yesterday on how well i have been doing. she knows i am crazy. she pointed out how stable i have been over the last year, wanted me to know that it hasnt gone unnoticed. when i was a mess, i never thought i could get better. i worked so hard at it for so many years and never found relief, never saw that light at the end of the tunnel. the slightest happeness was marred by that worry of when is the next crash going to hit me. this past may has been the first time that i havent worried about crashing. may typically is a manic with psychosis month and i made it through without panicing over any little mood change cause i still find mental health so hard to trust. it is so amazing, boring even, to not have these constant roller coasters going on in my life. i still occasionally suffer from ptsd triggers, but the dissociation and hypervigilance are gone.

sorry i went on here. it just seems you have the same problems as me and i wanted you to know you arent alone and that things can get better as long as you dont give up.

[swimmom]

I am a bipolar mother of 3 girls and wife. I am also a MBA student and like you I am trying to get to a point of feeling better and not just getting by. I take Topamax 400/day along with Depakote as mood stabilizers and I think the Topamax is the best mood stabilizer I've been on so far on keeping me stable. I've only been on it a few months but so far I like it. I also take Trilafon and Abilify for paranoid/delusional episodes. I struggle mainly with depression, anxiety, and ADD along with bouts of hypomania and mixed episodes. Welcome.

[zbmom]

Thank you for the warm welcome. It's good to hear others are facing the same challenges. I've been planning on a career as an LCSW or a psychologist for awhile now but put grad school on hold to focus on being a mom and getting my husband into a career. This whole diagnosis has really shaken me in terms of those goals. It helps to hear others are working in those fields with this illness. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. I don't want to change fields.

[zbmom]

I was going back through my old posts out of curiosity and wanted to share this with anyone who might be newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I still struggle with my mental health and I'm still not settled with meds but I did manage to make it through grad school and I am on the career path I envisioned. Don't let any diagnosis define your path for you. I'm not happy to be bipolar, sometimes it really sucks, but this was a good reminder of how far I've come.

Have you gotten used to Topamax? I was taking it for headaches and hoping for weight loss. I found it hard to get used to, but I did eventually. I took it for several months, until suddenly I couldn’t handle the gastrointestinal problems (sorry, I know that is gross). I was otherwise used to the tingling and numb face, and that went away.

I was diagnosed bipolar 2 at first, and it has changed to bipolar 1, but I have continued to work and survive, even after my husband passed away.

I really do believe we suffer more, that bipolar magnifies emotions, but we can and do make it.

[zbmom]

Originally Posted by key tones

Have you gotten used to Topamax? I was taking it for headaches and hoping for weight loss. I found it hard to get used to, but I did eventually. I took it for several months, until suddenly I couldn’t handle the gastrointestinal problems (sorry, I know that is gross). I was otherwise used to the tingling and numb face, and that went away.

I had a bad reaction to the topamax. It made me a danger to myself and I ended up getting hospitalized because of it. I’m not on meds right now, waiting for some genetic testing to see what might be best.

[Shazerac]

I struggled when I was first diagnosed. I was afraid of the stigma and the fear of being viewed as a "crazy person".

I reality nothing much change except for I got on the right meds and started feeling a lot better. It does take a while to get used to the idea of being bipolar. If you stay on top it of you will be perfectly capable of leading a "normal" life, whether that be in your career, as a wife and mother.

In some ways your life could be even better because your living an examined life. People who go through life with no chronic illness can just cruise through it on auto pilot.

[NatsukiKuga]

Dad here, two brilliant twenty-ish daughters, senior executive, BP2 + PTSD + Alcoholism + what would have been called borderline if I were a young woman but at my age and gender just makes me Machiavellian.

My Ma is BP1, and I can't freaking stand her. To get a dx anywhere near hers was enough to make me want to blow my head off. But I decided to try to take the dx in stride. MI is shot through my family tree. If they could make it, I could. I'd survived misery before. I can survive anything.

It is a matter of riding the med-go-round until the pills can give you a little air cover, and you have to be patient with that. Took me several years to get the major structure in place, and we're still making minor tweaks here and there. I have consigned myself to a future where we always shall be, but I would rather be actively managing my meds than not.

Just out of curiosity, how come pdoc started you on topiramate? First-line mood stabilizer for BP2 is usually Lamotrigine, with Topiramate as a later adjunct if needed. I take them both and boy, do I need 'em, but Lamotrigine is my main man.