Gearing up for a fight

My therapist wants me to be proactive and tell my mom what’s going on. I said no. I hate involving my mother in my mental health. She gets too worried and then I feel guilty and like I’m ten years old again trying to comfort her in her depression. I hate that. I just want to do this on my own. My therapist wants me to take out a week’s worth of pills and give the rest to my mom since I talked about overdosing today in session. Yeah I’m not doing that. It’s probably a good idea but I just can’t bring myself to do it. My mom looks miserable today. So I’m just going to make her more miserable? I know I know obviously if I died that would be the ultimate misery. but I think I can handlle it.

But my therapist said I shouldn’t wait for it to get so bad that I can’t handle it. I need to be proactive now and take steps to ensure my safety. Otherwise I’ll end up where I don’t want to be, IP. I just....can’t get my mom involved.

I dunno. I could feel fine tomorrow.

Do you have anyone else you can talk to? What about storing them in a safety deposit box at a bank?

Speaking as a mum of a 34 year olds BP, I'd rather she come to me and share how hard it is and ask me to hold meds than suffer though alone.

I would too, if my son turns out to have BP. But it’s just...it brings up a lot of shot from my childhood I guess. I’ve always felt like I’m not deserving of help so I don’t reach out for help until it’s too late and I do something harmful and end up IP. Since my husband died I’ve worked hard on correcting that because I know I can’t go IP anymore. So I will call my pdoc now, at least. The only reason I haven’t is I’m switching pdocs. But I still won’t reach out to my therapist. I can reach her through text during the day but I don’t want to bother her. Even though she’s told me explicitly to do so.

I can reach out to my sister in law I guess. But I just feel like I’m complaining. I feel like I’m complaining here too.

I let depression beat me today I think. I let the thoughts get too strong. But I hope to be in a better fighting mood tomorrow.

Keep safe. I hate that you came down hard..

That said .. your not a burden nor will you be a bother ! Your T said to get in touch.

Please avoid the alcohol and any self harm, that will do nothing but make your situation worse..

Stay safe

I swear to god, I have never cycled this rapidly in my life. Today I’m up again! But not severely so. I jumped right out of bed at my alarm and danced around while getting ready for work, but now that I’m at work I’m feeling a little calmer but I kinda feel like my head is spinning. It’s bizarre. Who knows what I’ll be tomorrow???

If I do get hyped today my therapist suggested that I try to conserve energy so that maybe I won’t crash so hard. Like instead of cleaning like lightning for hours, just clean one room and clean it slowly. That way maybe I won’t exhaust myself and fall down the next day. It’s an interesting theory. Hard as hell to follow though. I get so uncomfortable just sitting around! But I remember I bought some knitting stuff, maybe I can start a project to keep myself busy but low energy.

I’m sorry I’m updating so much I’m just trying to keep a record so I can tell my new pdoc next week.

Yer not posting too much. It's a good idea posting here to keep a record for your pdoc!

Glad you’re feeling better today. Hope it continues. (((((Hugs)))))

Today has been...strange. I kept going back and forth between smiling and wanting to cry. I’ve been jaggedly going down hill. I was exhausted when I left work. I’m definitely on the depressed side. I just want to sleep. I “made dinner” in the sense that I heated up a frozen lasagna. I did clean out the litter box, wash the dishes, and feed the cats. That’s about as far as I got.

I HAVE to shower tonight. I haven’t showered since Saturday. Just been getting by with washing my hair and dry shampoo. I feel dirty. But I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to do it. Sigh. Opposite action...gotta just get it over with.

I’m not feeling THAT bad but I’m having strong self harm urges. I’m started to get mad that I can’t just do it. The only thing that’s really stopping me is I don’t want the guy I’m seeing to think I’m crazy and dump me. We’ve only been on four dates so I haven’t told him about all this yet. I think he saw the scars on Sunday but didn’t mention them.

I never wanted to stop for myself. I don’t care about myself. I don’t care that it’s unhealthy. I only stopped because I was stable. Didn’t have the urges. Now that I am I don’t think it’s fair that I can’t do it just because everyone else doesn’t like it.

Not sure how to rectify that.

Currently trying to “radically accept” the horrible thoughts in my head and not act on them. Also talking to my sister in law. I definitely need to give my meds to my mom. I started to count my trazodone. I have at least a month and a half’s worth right now. I still don’t think that would kill me but I’d rather not find out.

Gotta keep fighting, gotta keep fighting.

Your mom would definitely prefer you to give her meds to her and confide how hard things are right now than have you struggle with temptation.

I bailed out of work today. I went in for first block but when I got to second block I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. So I lied and said myi got a call from my son’s school and had to go pick him up. Luckily I already took tomorrow off for my son’s dentist appointment so I know have a four day weekend to recover. I’m hoping against hope that I feel better on Monday and can handle work. I don’t have any FMLA accommodations so I can’t just take off forever.

It probably would have been better to stay at work around people but I just....couldn’t. Now I’m home alone until 4pm when I have to go pick up my son. I’m hoping I just fall asleep for awhile. Get away from the thoughts and the sadness. My T said she has openings this week if I want to come in again. I just don’t know when they are. They’d have to be during the day. I don’t know if I should ask.

Edit: reached out to T, she reminded me of distress tolerance skills. And we are meeting at 2pm.

I'm glad you got an appointment time to see your T today, and that you realized last night it is better to hand over your meds to your mom than risk it.
Pulling for you, wildflowerchild!

Great—it’s good to see you making good use of your time away from work by going to see your T

I’m rooting for you to level out !!!! ((( hugs )))

So here was my day: t told me to do self soothe with the senses. So I went and had lunch (even though I didn’t feel like eating). Then I went to the body shop and smelled lotions. I ended up purchasing a really nice one that will soothe me. I treated myself to Starbucks. Then as further distraction I went to target to pick up some things, including a nice smelling candle for my room. All this was done to distract me from myself.

I went to T At 2pm. She had me call my old pdoc for an emergency appointment but I haven’t heard from her yet. Her cell phone voicemail was full and I’m pretty sure she’s not in the office on Thursday so she won’t get the message I left there. I also texted her so I’m hoping she will call back tonight. She’s been known to call me at 9pm. T is afraid that if I tell all this to new pdoc on Tuesday she will want to hospitalize me because she doesn’t know me. Old pdoc will be more willing to make changes first.

T told me I have to give my meds to my mom. I said I would try. I hate this. I hate letting her know I’m doing poorly. I took out a week’s worth and put the rest in a bag so I can give it to Mom if I work up the nerve to ruin her day.

Now I’m back to laying on the couch with my ear buds in drowning out my son’s annoying videos. We might have a movie night tonight since he’s going to the dentist tomorrow and not to school.

So. I’m fighting hard.

Just get over it and hand the bag of meds to your mom. She’ll deal with it, and any way you cut it that’s a better situation than you ending up in the hospital or worse via OD. Good luck.

So I told my mom I’m struggling and she started crying and saying she couldn’t help me and she didn’t know what to do. *****. Now I feel like trash. I couldn’t bring myself to give her the meds after that. Then she would know how bad it is and cry even more.

I’m gonna bring them to my brother’s house. My sister in law will keep them without as much drama. They are ten minutes away. For now I put them out in the garage so I can’t just roll over and take them. I’d have to put effort in and I wouldn’t do that.

oh, erasing -I didn’t read your whole message

Glad you have someone that will help

I'm sorry that your mum is unable to be a support for you. Glad your brother lives so close though. : hug:

I’m taking a second trazadone (I’m allowed to take up to 200mg). I gave in and hurt myself...kinda mad about it. Almost two years down the drain. My therapist is not gonna be happy. I just want to go to sleep. **** this day.

It's not 2 years down the drain. It's just a re-start of the same goal.

Hopefully tomorrow you can reach the pdoc. Would she respond more to your therapist? I know if things are serious for me my therapist calls and I get a faster, more aggressive response from my pdoc.

I'm sorry you are feeling so horrible.

I’m not sure, maybe I’ll ask T tomorrow to call. She took down the numbers today. I’m gonna call again tomorrow as well.

It can't hurt to have the therapist call.

I think, but have never been told, that mine use a code. If he calls and says "this is Dr. __ ___" then she knows it is more serious than and email that is "this is first name, I'm worried about Jen".

I took 200mg trazadone and did t fall asleep until 11:30, and then woke up at 1:30. Thank goodness I don’t have to work today.

It’s now 3:15am. I feel like something has snapped in my brain a little bit.

.

I feel like I don’t give a **** right now what happens, but I don’t want to feel that way. Hence the brain snap. I’m getting constant images of various suicide methods when I close my eyes. None which I could pull off but they are disturbing.

I don’t really want to die. This is just my brain ****ing with me. I’m trying to hold on to that thought, not the bad ones.

I’m so pissed at my mom, that’s probably what triggered this tonight. I KNEW that she was going to freak out. She can’t keep it together for one ****ing second to help me. She’s never been able to. I feel like I was transported back to childhood and adolescence. THIS is why I never say anything to her, and why I’ve always waited so long to get any type of help. At least now I’m reaching out to other people.

I know maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal but it is to me.

I hope I can get back to sleep for a little while. Up at 7:15 am for my son’s dentist appointment.