Gearing up for a fight

I am very sorry you are having a difficult time.

I am also often disappointed by my mom's inability to cope/help. I can relate a bit.

(((((( wildflowerchild ))))))

Please stay safe.

Much Love to you,

WC

Sorry your mom wasn’t any help. Please stay away from the razors.

So given the desperation of last night and this morning, my pdoc decided it was best I come back to PHP. So I will be starting PHP on Monday. I’m sad that I couldn’t handle this on my own but thankful my pdoc knows me well enough that she didn’t send me IP. I was pretty certain the new pdoc would. They wrote me out for two weeks off work. I’m hoping that’s enough. And I’m hoping work doesn’t give me too many problems. But I could care less at this point. Let them fire me, right?

I’m exhausted right now but a little calmer knowing I’ll be able to have somewhere to go for awhile. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through Monday and Tuesday at work. And I was feeling pretty hopeless about the weekend but now that I’m getting help I feel like I can fire up my skills again and fight.

Thanks everyone for your ongoing support. It means so much to me. I know I’ve kept this thread going way too long but I needed somewhere to talk it out. You guys gave me that without complaining. I appreciate it!

I'm glad that you are getting help. Talk as much as you need to. We're glad to listen.

I agree. We’re happy to listen. I felt so bad for you over your mother’s reaction and worried it might trigger you. You sound like you have a good and caring support system despite that and that you are getting help. You’re strong and brave.

My brother just came and picked up my meds so I’m safe from overdose. Nothing else in the house I would bother taking.

Never did buy the razor so I’m safe from that too. I can’t hurt myself too badly with the dull kitchen knives.

(((wildflowerchild)))



Thanks for continuing to work at getting help and continuing to talk to us. Please keep us posted

I got drunk tonight and I cut myself again because I just want to feel better. I was mixed today and my mother told me to calm down like wtf you don’t get to tell me to calm down *****. Seriously. I haven’t told her I’m doing php yet she’s probably going to be like wtf. But Whatever. This is awful.

I’m gonna mix my meds with alcohol bc I just wanna go to sleep.

I'm so sorry you're struggling so bad. I really feel for you. I've never struggled with the kind of self harm you do. It really must suck. I admire your strength though in trying to get through this. So what if you got drunk. It happens. You can pm me anytime. Big hugs!!!

I was so mean to my son. Like he deserves better than me. He’s annoying for sure but he doesn’t deserve my wrath. Oh my god I hope the php dr can change my meds. This sucks. I hope I’m calmer tomorrow. It’s ********. I should t have gotten drunk tonight. I know that was a bad decision. I just felt so bad.

I’m so sorry for venting. I know it’s ********. Ugh.

Just stay safe as long as you do that you can make it up to your son later.

When I was untreated for bp I was a straight up ***** to my son. Luckily it wasn't often but I know how that feels. I'm telling you Trileptal and even 2.5 mgs of Zyprexa has helped me so much. See about a med switch. You're not a bad person Tara. You have a lot on your plate right now. No one, not one parent is perfect. Big hugs!

Thank you rose. I’m seeing a new doctor in php so hopefully they’ll do something. My regular pdoc said maybe rexulti. I dunno what the php dr will say.

I feel lower than low right now. I’m sure the alcohol didn’t help my mood. I don’t know why I can’t stop myself from drinking. I feel bad that I gave in. I feel like a failure.

I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the day. It’s only 8:15am and already the thoughts are overwhelming me. But I guess I have to just power through. White knuckle it until this is over. Pull out some coping skills. Maybe radical acceptance that this is just my life.

I wish I could cry. Maybe I’d feel better if I could let all this despair out. But my body won’t let me cry. I’m so dead inside.

(((((((((wildflowerchild))))))))) I'm sorry you're having such an awful time.

I've been there with the kid thing -- most of raising my son, I was unmedicated. It was rough sledding, and many's the time I felt horrible over it. Yelling, losing my temper. I always made a point to apologize, and I think that's important (I grew up under similar and never heard a word of apology -- not good). Kids are amazingly understanding and forgiving when they know they are loved and that we are doing our best and that when we "fall down", we own it. Your son is well, truly, and deeply loved. Smaller moments when we feel we fail reflecting that do not change the massive over-arching FACT of being loved. It will be ok.

I hope today turns out better than it feels right now. Is there something you could do to smooth it out a bit? How is the weather? A walk in the autumn leaves? An indoor day? Maybe a jigsaw puzzle? Soothing bath?

Mixed sucks. Wish I had a magic mixed-erasing wand. I hope they can figure out a good med combo. Hold tight. Remember, we're here for you.

Well my plan was to rot on the couch, which I did until 1:30. But my son really wanted to go out for lunch. So even though it seemed impossible, I actually got dressed and drove to wendy’s With him. So that’s good i guess. I suspect I will return to the couch when we get home but at least I didn’t stay there ALL day.

I still haven’t told my mom I’m starting partial tomorrow. I can’t deal with her freaking out again. But at the same time I don’t care. I don’t need her. I raised myself. I don’t need her now.

I also have to email my principal and supervisor and HR. That’s anxiety inducing. But oh well.

(((((((((( hugs ))))))))))

I feel like my brain wants me dead. Like it’s fighting me. Me, my person, doesn’t want to die. But my brain wants me to. It’s separate from me. I’m fighting back. It’s exhausting. I wish I could take my night meds and sleep. But it’s only 4pm.

I’m glad my brother has my meds. My brain can’t win today, I’m too tired to gather supplies. My plans involve leaving the house and I can’t.

I really, really, really hope the dr sees me in php tomorrow. Really.

I am sorry to hear you are having such a bad time of things right now too ❤ I understand what you mean about your brain being separate from yourself. I usually say my mind and my brain are fighting when I feel that way. It sucks to have no energy but it can also be a relief to have no energy for self harming any more than with what you have available. I hope php is really helpful

Sending focused energies of strength your way....
Much love to you

Just get through tonight. Maybe take your meds early and call it a night... thinking of you.

So it’s 3:30 am and I’m wide awake. Haven’t slept yet. Don’t feel like I need to. My brain has quieted for now. I’m feeling very....strange. Like I have an idgaf attitude right now. My mind is racing, bouncing from thought to thought, but it doesn’t matter because I’m stronger and it can’t hurt me tonight. I beat it back. We had a knock down drag out fight and I ****ing won, that asshole.

Anyway feeling strange. I can’t see myself falling asleep anytime soon. Which sucks because I’m super bored.