[wildflowerchild25]

According to my mood chart I have been depressed for two weeks. It was mild but now has taken a nosedive into moderate-severe. I am a three on my mood scale, and that’s being generous. I feel like crying most of the day. I’m exhausted. I feel dead. Self harm thoughts are high. I’m getting a faint suicidal image. Things are going downhill fast.

So I am gathering my mental resources to fight back. I’m NOT going to allow my mind to beat me again. Seriously, **** that. I have to be strong. I’ve avoided IP since June 2015. I’ve been out of IOP since May 2016. I cannot, and will not, go back IP. IOP I would only consider as a last resort. And for ****’s sake, I will NOT GET ECT AGAIN. I can’t get ECT every ******* year and a half. I hate it. It works so well but I just hate the whole experience.

I have to get through this without all that. Or just ****ing suffer until the tide changes. Because it will. It may take months but we all know it will change.

I think I will make a mental to-do list. Small tasks that I can accomplish so I don’t feel like a complete loser and failure, but not so large that I get overwhelmed. Like I will wash the dishes tonight but not clean the whole kitchen. I have to grade some tests but that won’t take too long. Somehow I have to get all my school work done though, that’s not an option. Again, to-do list. Small assignment tomorrow. Etcetera.

If I have to I will drop my next class. It seems I may not be able to get my certificate anyway so no point in continuing.

I just can’t let this get the best of me again. I just can’t.

Today I did some self care. I went to get my hair cut. It was nice because the stylist gave me a scalp massage. She also did my eyebrows so maybe I can feel pretty while my brain is screaming at me that I’m the most hideous human being alive. I’m not, I know that. **** you depression. I also gave myself permission to order dinner. Found a good deal with domino’s. Not healthy but I ate in moderation and I can’t focus on healthy eating right now. I just have to make sure I eat.

Who else is ready to ****ing fight this ***** called bipolar???

[99fairies]

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. But kicking depression in the ***** shows how strong you are. A lot of people would just let it take over. Keep on fighting!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Can you increase your Emsam for a while? Small increases help me when I'm depressed and then I go back to my usual dose, sometimes within a couple months or less.

[~Christina]

You are doing all things right !!!!!! Kick Bipolars Asss

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Can you increase your Emsam for a while? Small increases help me when I'm depressed and then I go back to my usual dose, sometimes within a couple months or less.

That’s my personal plan. I’m meeting with a new pdoc though, I’m nervous. I’m not sure how she will feel about the emsam. It took a lot of convincing to get my old pdoc to let me try it.

I’m also nervous to be completely honest with the new doc. I probably won’t tell her about the dark thoughts because she won’t know that I’m in control and she might want to hospitalize me.

Hopefully I’ll be ok till I see her. It’s only ten days away.

[liveforsummer]

You go! Let’s eradicate it from the planet

<waves fist in air>

Fight!!!

[scatterbrained04]

Sorry you took a nose dive. Depression sucks!! Sounds like you have a good plan. Kick bipolar's ***!!

[Sunflower123]

I’m with you!!! Fight back!!!

[~Christina]

Hows today ?

[HALLIEBETH87]

You've got this! We are here for you!

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hows today ?

Depression: out. Hypomania: in.

Seriously, COMPLETE switch. And I’m shocked because I’m on depakote AND vraylar, there should be no room for hypo.

I’m very sped up, flip flopping between euphoria and rage. I want to go for a run, I HATE running. I want to talk talk talk. But at the same time I want to rip my skin off. I feel the urge to cut to let the energy out. I dunno if that would work. I won’t.

My son is driving me batty and if he doesn’t go to bed soon I might freak the **** out. His technical bedtime is 8:30 but he comes out of his room 20 times.

Well, I guess I still have to fight for stability, just in the opposite direction now!

[~Christina]

Keep fighting the fight Hun !!!

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm not sure WHAT happened today. I woke up jazzed up and ready to go. I got up and immediately got dressed and started cleaning. There was a lot to clean because I hadn't cleaned anything all week due to depression. I was blasting my music and dancing and singing. I even deep cleaned my car, scrubbed the seats, vacuumed, everything. And then it just turned dark. I got agitated and irritable. Started slamming things around and stuff. Getting irritable with my son.

I'm trying to work on school work but I just cannot concentrate for the life of me. No words are coming to me. It's terrible. I don't know how I'm going to finish all these assignments by midnight tomorrow. I should have done them yesterday when I was jazzed up! But I decided to go out for the day and then come home and drink poor decisions on my part!

I'm going to finish a couple of assignments before I leave to visit the guy i'm seeing. We're watching a movie at his place. I seem to do better when I'm around people, so hopefully it will all be ok.

Sigh...still fighting. I wish I could see my therapist but I won't see her again until november 7. I have drama practice this tuesday and next tuesday is a halloween and my mom is a halloween grinch and won't take my son trick or treating so I had to cancel my T appointment to be able to take him before my pdoc appt.

Why is my head so foggy and unclear? Why are there so many thoughts in my head all bouncing around at once??

Alright. School work. Yes.

[~Christina]

Maybe a mixed I think its due to all the situational you have going on.. Work, School, son and new guy.. Maybe too much ?

Can you cut anything down a bit ? Im sorry you need Pdoc and T more than your son going trick or treat.. Any friends that can take him since your mom wont ????

Keep fighting , house and car are clean that is a great thing.

[Wild Coyote]

You've been working hard to try to put/keep your life together and trying to move forward. You are doing a great job. I admire your courage and your resolve.

Any ideas as to what may have triggered hypo?

Please stay safe.

WC

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Maybe a mixed I think its due to all the situational you have going on.. Work, School, son and new guy.. Maybe too much ?

Can you cut anything down a bit ? Im sorry you need Pdoc and T more than your son going trick or treat.. Any friends that can take him since your mom wont ????

Keep fighting , house and car are clean that is a great thing.

Hmmm I'm not really sure if there's anything I can cut out. I should have never signed up for the drama club, that's stressing me out right now because she wants me to call stores for fundraising opportunities and I have this weird phone phobia that prevents me from calling strangers. I've had two weeks already and I've only contacted one store. And this week is haunted halls practice and she wants me to be there to help out but i'll have to find someone to watch my son for wed. and thurs. But i feel bad if i just quit on her.

otherwise the other stuff is stuff I dealt with fine last year, but I was on different meds. I think my meds just aren't right yet. I probably need to go up on the depakote. i'm only on 750mg. I was hoping not to because the weight gain side effect happens most on higher doses. But i heard it's from increased appetite, maybe I can get topamax or something to counteract. I don't know.

I am definitely seeing pdoc on halloween. Maybe I can get my brother to take my son out trick or treating for awhile so I can see T too. I need some help

I drove like a jerk getting to the guy's house today because I was so angry but being around him calmed me down, like i thought it would. driving home wasn't as bad. i didn't speed as much or get as agitated with everyone else on the road.

tomorrow is a new day...hoping it's better. I'm fighting the urge to drink really hard right now. But I feel like getting drunk when I have work the next day would put me on the road to becoming an alcoholic, which I do not need to add to my list of problems. Plus drinking's just not a good idea right now. so I won't. I'm trying to finish some assignments and go to bed.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

You've been working hard to try to put/keep your life together and trying to move forward. You are doing a great job. I admire your courage and your resolve.

Any ideas as to what may have triggered hypo?

Please stay safe.

WC

I really think it's just my natural cycle. nothing out of the ordinary has happened to trigger either the depression or the hypo.

[~Christina]

Your under a lot of stress but your working out all the shyt you have to do so well !!!!

Woot woot

[wildflowerchild25]

Update just because I feel like it: I am HIGH AS HELLLLL!!! And it’s the good kind so I am loving my ****ing life right now!!! Had a fantastic day at work, so talkative, so bubbly. People drain my energy though so it wasn’t over the top. NOW it’s over the top lol but I do not care! Still driving too fast, almost hit 70 in a 35 before I realized, woulda gotten my license suspended on the spot had a cop been around. That’s no good! Making a real effort to slooooow it down.

Blasting music, cleaning more, it’s allll good! I made dinner! I feel so connected to my music, I mean it’s all true and I love it. We will not go quietly and I feel invincible!

Tell all your friends that we will not go quietly!

But I know tonight panic will set in bc I have to behave myself in front of my mom or she will suspect and I just don’t want her to bother me. I’m wondering if I should take more depakote but I’m not sure how my new pdoc will feel about me ****ing with **** on my own. I better not I better wait for her. Only one more week. So much could go wrong! This could turn ugly! Fast!

But at this moment I am the happiest person alive!

Edit: one bad thing - I have a major project due by midnight that I haven’t even started and I can’t concentrate for ****.

[~Christina]

I hope you have a soft landing hun

[wildflowerchild25]

Thank you, I hope so too. I’m struggling with bad decisions right now. I haven’t acted on any of them thankfully. But I wish I could.

I’m not sure there’s anything else I can do. I already avoid caffeine. I will avoid alcohol during the week and hopefully hold out on the weekend too. I’m taking my sleep meds so I’m getting decent sleep. I have no PRNs for hypo. I just have to hold on for my pdoc appointment.

It’s hard not to push this but I’ve come so far and I know it will end in disaster. So I will just **** up and take my meds. And hope this doesn’t worsen or turn too negative.

[bioChE]

Good luck coming down from your high. Hope it won’t crash back into depression.

[wildflowerchild25]

It has this is complete and utter ******** to be cycling this rapidly. Three days hypo?? Three days? That’s barely even a cycle. And now I’m back into the pit. And tomorrow maybe I’ll be up again.

I told the drama advisor that I couldn’t help her this week. I just said I had some personal issues going on. I was able to get my appointment with my therapist back for today. Thank goodness. I’ll be seeing her at 4.

Feel like crying and cutting today. Sigh.

[Faltering]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I hope you can get some relief soon. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.