I'm getting fed up.

First off, this is disgusting, but I haven't showered in five days.

I spend my days laying on the couch with my cat who is dying of liver failure. I used to check out on remeron. But now I'm not on remeron and was switched to topamax for sleep, but topamax doesn't work so I can't check out so I just lay there. And then I get up and pace around and freak out, like today the negative entity was putting thoughts into my head about cutting myself with a knife. I burned some paper telling it to go away and it seemed to work for the time being, but I can still feel it watching me. I can always feel it watching me, from every reflection, everywhere.

I just want to lay around and sleep ALL OF THE TIME. I should be doing things. Not wasting my life away. I was being creative. But now I'm getting depressed as ****, but yet agitated. I have zero energy. I don't even have any energy to conjure up positive positive energy so I'm just ****ed against the forces of the negative entity.

I know I need to go back on haldol because that makes it go away, but that also makes my creativity go away. And my last suicide attempt was because I couldn't stand the thought of living the rest of my life without my creativity.

I don't know what to do.

I'm calling my pdoc tomorrow though.

This cannot continue.

If I would have been able to find a sharp enough knife today I would have cut myself. If I would have had access to a ton of pills I would have had another suicide attempt.

I'm just getting sick of this.

awww hun !

Im sorry your dealing with so much Bipolar b*llshyt

You sound more mixed, For now and the sake of your marriage and child take the meds... You need them "right now"

Please dont self harm it wont always be this way.

Stay safe !

Yeah, for now I would take the haldol. Maybe later you can find a med that doesn't blunt your emotions so much. I know how hard that is to deal with. Although I was never a writer, I used to read like 4-5 books at a time. Since I've been on meds I've only read like 9. That's in 6 yrs. But I can still cry and I'm not mixed like I was all the time before meds.

It's hard, I know.

Please don't hurt yourself, your family needs you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thanks for the responses.

If I am mixed it's more on the depressed end of things. The negative entity is telling me my family is better off without me. They don't need me. I mean, they really don't. I'm just a drain. I don't do anything except cause pain.

False that is bipolar lying to you.

You are needed and loved even if can’t see or feel it.

Bipolar is a liar

Don't let BP control you. You control BP.

I understand what you mean. All spring and some of summer I had no energy. Just wanted to sleep. We get it and have been there. Meds help us fight the bipolar lies. Haldol worked great for me. It’s great your talking to your pdoc about this. Good luck. (((((Hug)))))

Ras, how are you?

It does sound like mild depression because I do the exact same thing day in and out. Cats and all! Lol. Even with Wellbutrin and stabilizers, I’m always mildly depressed and well, lazy. I’ll try and do something around the house but after 5 min I say “screw this” and crawl back in bed. No motivation whatsoever!

I'm inpatient. My husband took me to the ER.

((((((( hugs)))))))

glad you are safe. See you when you are back.

Good luck, hopefully they can stabilize you fast.

Thanks. I hope so. He put me back on Haldol. There's that. Hopefully the negative entity will go away now.

Thinking of you...hugs!!

Raspberry, it won't always be this way...it WILL get better. It's your depression talking...

"The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days." Or a least a brighter day...

Hope you're feeling better soon, Raspberry!

I’m glad you got help. I hope you feel better soon.

Hi ras. I hope you get better soon.

Hey ras, how are you doing?

Hi ras. Rooting for you.

Hope your feeling better ((( hugs )))

get better soon.

Sending big hugs, hope your feeling better