Is this just an avoidance technique?

I haven't written in a long time and I'm trying to learn to focus and get better. I have had one really crappy year. I've made the mistake of letting toxic people back in my life because I felt bad about kicking them out. I never get to see my son anymore or talk to him because I have been avoiding everything including all my legal issues. I want to get better but I wasn't able to focus worth crap. They put me on Ritalin and now I can focus, woohoo. However, I'm focusing on anything I can that will allow me to ignore my bad or good feelings. I'm worried that I am just avoiding the inevitable and one day, probably soon, I will break down. I'm trying to change my life; quitting smoking, cutting back caffeine, being more active, ect.. But I'm scared this little bit of clarity is going to bite me hard in the *** when I eventually have to handle my depression and anxiety. I keep trying to find a way to get better, to heal but no one can tell me how to because "everyone is different". I know it's petty but I just want an answer. Going through that kind of pain doesn't seem like it will help. I break down because of my son, because of my guilt. But how am I supposed to accept something that I can't fix right now. That will likely take years to fix? Working towards a goal is when I'm doing but I don't feel better and telling myself it will get better doesn't seem to be helping. How does someone who has done so many stupid things get better?
I'm sorry I sound selfish and not thankful to you all. I'm sorry I've been absent because I'm scared of hearing others opinions. I don't know what to do and I hope maybe someday I can listen to myself. Giving advise to others is easy, I can usually help but everything that applies to all of you, seems to be imaginary to me. I'm sorry.

I can attest that running from your pain and problems does not make the pain and problems go away. I denied the pain from my dad’s death for about ten years but was severely depressed and developed maladaptive behaviors because of it. Same thing is happening now. I thought I had processed my husband’s death or that I was just a cold hearted ***** but I was triggered recently and as much as I don’t want to, I know the only way up and out is to feel the pain I’m supposed to feel. It worked for me before for six years.

I know you want a quick fix but unfortunately there are no quick fixes in mental health. Not that I’ve found anyway, if someone else has some ideas, please let me know!

That sounds very painful. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It's hard to face the mess this disorder makes for us. It's harder yet to do something about it. At least your admitting there's a problem you know, not denying it's there. It's scary to push yourself though I get it. On a smaller scale my husband (who has anxiety issues) told me about something that sometimes works when he's trying to make a responsible choice while facing fear. Imagine standing from a cliff with a rope swing into the water. You're scared of heights so you are terrified but everyone is jumping in, all safe and sound. Close your eyes, feel the sensation of the rope, empty your mind and jump. The longer you hesitate the longer you will have to convince yourself not to do it. Jump, into better choices.

In addition, take baby steps. You don't have to do it all in one day. Make manageable goals for each day, one building off of the other. Take it slow, pace yourself.

When it comes to dealing with emotions of traumatic events, exposure has always helped me. You talk about it write about it yell about it cry about it and eventually it loses the weight that it once had over you.

Don't worry about others. You aren't feeling well, just work on getting yourself on steady feet. I'm sure everyone understands here, out of everyone in the world.