pangs for cannabis today but resisted

Always reading. Wishing you a good Mother's Day!

Reading daily and VERY interested in how you are doing!

I don't always have great suggestions. I think you are doing a great job, all things considered! Truly!

I hope you keep posting!


WC

Thank you WC, TheSadGirl, and Innerzone, I get cheered up by every response. You help me deal with my feelings of utter isolation.

Yesterday I discovered that the unemployment rate in the Canadian city I live in is around 8% and it has been higher in the recent past. This might explain why my son is having trouble even finding jobs he can apply for here and perhaps his credentials are not strong enough that companies would fly him in for an interview elsewhere. He could go stay with his half-brother just outside of NYC and then use that address on his applications for jobs in the city.

My anxiety is a bit better today but really it could not have been much worse. I feel my life is so limited. I feel if I had a really close friend or two who could help me around the house I would do much better. I really don't know what to do about that. Last year I had a very bad landscaper and made some poor decisions and built flower and shrub beds that are now filling up with grass and weeds because they were not even mulched... I got myself out this morning to mow about 1/3 of my lawn. Tomorrow I will do a little more in the morning before other people are out and about.

I resisted yesterday because it was Mother's Day and because i wanted to prove to myself that I could. But today was a different story. It is an actual story of my attempts to let go of cannabis. After I quit smoking cigarettes it was like my one true friend left. Of course cigarettes were never a friend. They almost killed me (lung cancer diagnosis a few months after I quit). Nope, not a friend at all, but what about marijuana. Sometimes I tell myself that as long as I'm not psychotic why should I worry about it. Sometimes I just wish I could go back in my life and do a 'reset' and then run the tape forward to get a different outcome. I wish I had a solid network of friends. But I don't. For the last years, the internet has been my best friend. Sad but true. I don't really have dreams anymore except maybe someone who could help me with my house and that my son gets a job and that I don't die in the next few years.

My neighbors have repeatedly called the police to 'get me sent away to a mental hospital for the rest of my life'. This is what one fat large man told a fellow i had working on landscaping... he literally told him to go away because they were going to call the police on me for that reason. So now I am afraid to go out in my lawn. The last time the police were here they broke down . my door, ransacked my house and locked me up for a month in a coed maximum security forensic psychiatric ward. I am not joking btw. it really happened.

So today I get to go for an 'assessment' in the diversion program for mentally ill offenders out of the criminal justice system. I get to answer prying questions about my mental stability for an hour and a half. I am not looking forward to this meeting but it beats the court system.

You will be in my thoughts, tecomsin. Best of luck today.

Well I went to the meeting. It was ok. The person doing the assessment is a psychiatric nurse. They were trying to be polite. I found the whole thing intrusive and uncomfortable but I answered all his important questions. My son is taking now 50 mg of Vyvanse but instead of working on his skills and applying for jobs he is playing video games. i am feeling trapped again.