pangs for cannabis today but resisted

So Vyvanse has not helped and seems to have made my son's anxiety worse. He has been blaming me constantly today and I had to get in the car and leave the house. When I came back he accused me of being a sociopath. He said that his anxiety has been getting worse every day he's been applying for jobs and he can't do it anymore. So I said that was ok. He could probably manage in life without working but it would be a disappointment. Then he said I was a sociopath. I just listened to him and left the room without saying anything. Tomorrow I see my pdoc. My son says he has found another place starting on the 5th but I don't really believe him. He often lies to me. I never wanted him to come home without having a job because I was afraid it would lead to him blaming me. He said I was an abusive parent and left him emotionally crippled and that is why he can't apply for jobs or work on his resume and just plays video games all day.

Today is a really tough day and it is just going to be harder each and every day. I can see this is unsustainable and he will move out one day but then he will be asking me for money and then I will have to decide to let him go homeless or give him money.

(((((( tecomsin )))))))

Thinking of you.

WC

I'd say the my main "addiction" is caffeine . When I'm depressed I just have no energy so I overload on it. Same thing when I'm hypomanic, I get the urge to make me feel even more wired because I feel I can do even more (that's bad I know...). I used to do cannabis a lot as well, as an escape too. For a sleep aid, it knocked me out for way too long. What made me stop was a terrible night having eaten way too much of an edible and not only getting physically sick but succumbing to extreme paranoia. Honestly it was one of the scariest nights of my life, not only did I begin to hear voices when I never had before, but I awoke covered in my own vomit. I just never want to go through that again, though knowing myself I will get the urge once more eventually...

Thanks for sharing thatoneperson. I'm not one for edibles and I am sorry you had such a bad experience. I've heard that happen to other people... one reason I only smoke. I realize I just have to get out of the house more and get more distance from my son. Whatever I am doing is not helping. But I also am not obligated to ever give him another cent. i made that clear yesterday. He is abusing me by saying over and over that I abused him and resorting to blaming me when he can' t cope with his own blame anymore I guess... Anyway, money doesn't grow on trees and he has to have the possibility of being broke and possibly homeless going around to family asking for money because I wouldn't pay for him anymore...

I hope it doesn't come to that but he has been abusing and yelling at me incessantly at times. I'm going to try to not let him upset me anymore.

I am 'not resisting' my pangs for cannabis atm.

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I went through that with my daughter. I finally had to stop giving her money after I maxed out all my credit cards and went bankrupt. Just as a cherry on top of the crap cake it tuned out she was using the money to buy drugs. She still blames me for everything wrong with her life and she’s 45 years old. Hang in there as best you can but please, I beg you, take care of yourself. It’s not your fault that your son is like he is!!!

That's a tough situation, Shazerac, and painful too. I am sorry for you and also for your daughter. I think the 'blame trap' stifles and wrecks many lives. I don't know whhi e he is otherwise blaming himself so it is a displacement of sorts. I did get angry yesterday and still feel some of that. Enough to write him out of my will. I told him so yesterday. Money is one thing that will get his attention and he has told me that he will never be addicted to anything. I think my lung cancer from previously smoking would be a good example of the benefits of not getting addicted to things. I am hoping yesterday was particularly bad because that 20 mg of Vyvanse made him even more agitated, anxious and unhappy. I just don't relate to his pity party.

You can cut the hostility in my home with a knife. Your story has struck a chord with me. I do have to consider that the future could be worse than the present. I got a massage yesterday and am seeing my pdoc today. I was just up knocking on his door to wake him up, it is past 9 am, and he's sound asleep with clean and dirty clothes strewn all over the floor. I asked if he was getting up and he muttered something from underneath the duvet, although I can barely hear even normally. I'm wondering if it is on purpose or some compulsion that he presents his room to me as a filthy mess day after day, year after year. I am really angry. he will sleep till the afternoon today unless i rouse him and that will just be another argument.

I am starting to hope that he really does leave on the 5th as he has been repeating.

So I invited my son out to lunch to try to have some peace and civility in the house until he leaves. He spent the entire drive back literally screaming at me while I was driving that I should apologize for how I treated him yesterday. I did go up to his room to try to get him out of bed before noon and then in the afternoon I lost my cool with him because he was just lying in bed doing nothing. I feel terrible and wish I never let him back into my house. I am wondendring if I am starting to decompensate. Anyway I'll see my pdoc this afternoon. Definitely no more weed for me today. It's tough to be yelled at constantly being called names. He said his relationship is good with everyone else except me so I asked him why did he want to come home, because I didn't want him at home because I was afraid it would lead to this. I still don't understand why he's here. I'm thinking of giving away my cat and checking into the hospital. I couldn't trust my son to take care of the cat and the lady who sometimes helps tme is still away on vacation. If my pdoc says I need to go in, I really don't know what i will do.

(((((( tecomsin ))))))

I am so very sorry you are going through such a trying time.


WC

Thanks WC. My pdoc says that they won't take me IP because I am not suicidal and that I could look for a motel that I could go with my cat to. He voiced the opinion that my son might have a personality disorder.

Actually it's unprofessional to throw around a diagnostic label, like a personality disorder, without meeting the person. My son has gone to look at a room to rent. He says he is moving out tomorrow. I'll be sure to get out of the house while that happens so it is not a scene. I told him today I felt the interaction with him was destabilizing me. I mean how many times can you be called a 'sociopath'?

So today is the big day my son graduates from living in my house to living in a room nearby. He eventually realized he might still need money from me so he toned down the hostility yesterday and said he was sad that things deteriorated as much as they did these last days, so that was kind of his announcement that he was done with fighting.

It is still rattling around in my head how he said over and over again that I had abused him as a child, and how could I do that to a child?

The job market is a lot tougher for the kind of career he wants to have than what I had imagined. He needs to work on his resume and send out more applications and tap the network of connections he has and build on linkedin ... regularly. Well I have in the past apologized for the mistakes I made in raising him. But that wasn't enough. I wonder if he will ever stop blaming me and just face his own issues so he can get past them.

I wonder if just my presence makes him angry.

I've also got a whole host of my own issues to deal with.

Well I will get out of my own house today so as not to have a scene when he is packing and leaving.

the title of this thread is a bit ridiculous since I lost my cannabis quit, but that is also part of the whole process. Many people relapse in their addictions. Fortunately I've kept steadfast in my nicotine quit. Almost 3 years since my last cig. That will be coming up in July. In some ways it means more to me than my own birthday.

Well I got some volunteer work to do for another website. It is admin, routine and a bit boring. I can also do it in little blocks and pieces. My anxiety is going through the roof this morning, so it helps with that. Today is going to hurt a lot. I just have to tough it out.

Any replies would be most appreciated.

Congrats on the upcoming 3 years nicotine-free.
Sending my very, VERY best wishes for today to go smoothly and as planned.

Thanks Innerzone, the day has gone smoothly, thankfully, but not as planned. My son asked if he could stay if he woke up in the morning everyday and went to the library to work, so I said ok. He's gone out today. He says he doesn't play video games when he is at a public place so is more likely to work in the library than at home.

I didn't want to kick my son out after he said he would change his behavior. I think he realized that renting a room would not be a step up from living for free in my house. Yesterday he did get a bit of work done at the library and then spent the rest of the day out of the house with friends. He said the chairs at the library hurt his back though. He was offered to interview for a position by a friend's mom. For awhile he said he wouldn't interview because it wasn't paying enough but yesterday he seemed to sober up about his realistic possibilities and realize it is better to be working at something that builds his skill set than not working.

It's 9:30 and he got up and came down and took his adhd pill again. I am hoping we won't have another fight or a terrible day.

Well my son got fourteen 20 mg tablets of Vyvanse almost a fortnight ago. He was supposed to take one or two a day to find the right dosage but this also means he has days without any med until he stabilizes on a dosage with his gp on Monday. It will probably be 30 mg which is still a low dosage. Yesterday he had to skip a dose so as not to run out . before Monday. I let him drive to a restaurant for dinner and he drifted out of the lane, several feet out on the highway. He worked on his resume and sent a bunch out but unfortunately he sent out an old version that had a word mispelled in it. I caught the original mispelling and the fact that he had fixed it and then it reverted back to the wrong version on his linkedin. I feel like I am sinking into a bottomless pit sometimes. I am losing hope he will get a job anytime soon. Yesterday I found an apprenticeship for him to apply for and he said that he did. Maybe that is where he needs to start to build up his skill set. He's getting a professional coach to look over his resume and other material soon. I hope he listens to what they say. It is perfectly possible for him to spend hundreds of dollars and nto remember their advise or bother to implement it. Maybe that is his adhd.

He told me he had months whilst he was at university where he would lock himself in his darkened bedroom and not go out for days at a time... skipping classes and so on. That is not healthy. It is true he is leading a healthier life than that here with me, but I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Edited to add: I am still not fully resisting cannabis. But I do limit my dosage to only early in the morning. Very occasionally at night if I can't sleep.

You guys keep talking about this, and I'm thinking of filling out my whole house with marijuana smoke, and then chase it, until I light up again.
It's just a thought, not a wish.

Haha pirilin, I'm convinced that marijuana makes my anxiety worse on the long term. This morning and all day today I've been incredibly anxious. I just need to be able to get through the morning without taking a hit. Maybe I can do this tomorrow. I don't like that i am smoking every day, even though it is only a little bit. I just don't have an outlet for my anxiety. I don't know how to cope. I have really just one friend I can talk to. I've also been preoccupied with the thought that my lung cancer will come back. I take rexulti 2mg and wellbutrin xr 300 mg and lyrica 50 mg but may try to go up to 100 mg on the lyrica to help with anxiety. I'm tired all day and basically live on my couch surfing the internet. I used to work full time and be a 'productive member of society' until my first manic episode and decline.

[QUOTE=tecomsin;6123312]Haha pirilin, I'm convinced that marijuana makes my anxiety worse on the long term. This morning and all day today I've been incredibly anxious. I just need to be able to get through the morning without taking a hit. Maybe I can do this tomorrow. I don't like that i am smoking every day, even though it is only a little bit. I just don't have an outlet for my anxiety. I don't know how to cope. I have really just one friend I can talk to. I've also been preoccupied with the thought that my lung cancer will come back. I take rexulti 2mg and wellbutrin xr 300 mg and lyrica 50 mg but may try to go up to 100 mg on the lyrica to help with anxiety. I'm tired all day and basically live on my couch surfing the internet. I used to work full time and be a 'productive member of society' until my first manic episode and decline.[/QUOTE

Wellbutrin gave me anxiety. I was jittery all day. And fearful.
Went cold turkey with terrible results. It's a strong drug. Not just an anti smoke little piece.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Sending special wishes to a special mom!

That's a helpful observation, pirilin. I appreciate your posting and following. Sometimes I wonder if I have bored everyone and no one reads anymore because the thread is too long.

I won't go cold turkey off wellbutrin if I get off it. I'll talk to my pdoc and see if he agrees to maybe step down from 300 mg to 150 mg to see if that lessens my anxiety.

I decided to celebrate Mother's Day by abstaining from smoking weed. So far so good. My son got me red roses in a bouquet. I got over a bit of my anxiety about going out in my yard because I've been accosted by my neighbors and they have called the police on me many times so I am afraid to go out. It is terrible not to be able to enjoy your own backyard but that is my life. I just don't have the energy to pack up and move.

I may not always comment, but I am definitely not bored. I am always here reading and checking in on you. Definitely keep posting.