[Victoria'smom]

My husband aunt told me yesterday when I was talking to my husband that she’s never seen me smile and laugh like that. And it’s true I don’t smile and laugh.She has known me for 17 years. I’m a nervous wreck, I don’t talk, I kind of sit in the corner and wait until others talk to me. I haven’t alway been like this. I just don’t find anything funny, interesting and have nothing to say. I’m constantly telling people I’m okay. Even told his cousin I do nothing when asked what I do for a living. I can’t live like this. I don’t use recreational drugs because they make me want to harm myself. How do you redesign yourself when you can’t even speak?

The “can’t even speak” lines caught my eye. For over one year I hid behind adult selective mutism. I really could not speak.

I have seen those who sit in a remote area at weddings and funerals and the like. Those that don’t want to participate with others.

I am not who I was one year ago. Maybe the ‘redesign’ of oneself is just a continuum in all phases of life. There are those who are heavily involved with high school friends and mates. They go off to university and, yes, some become heavily involved with college mates but nothing like the high school sentiment.

Why do you write that you have nothing to say during conversation? I’m betting that you have thousands of opinions and interesting experiences that you could use to easily engage.

(Why did you write of recreational drugs? Which make you wish to harm yourself?)

In order to engage in great conversations you have to expose yourself. Are you afraid of others for a legitimate reason? Why are you and to whom are you saying “I’m okay?”

You may not have a job to make your living but that is a rather rude and ignorant question, yes? “And what do you do?” is still rude but can be answered with much more than “I do nothing.” You do something. You live through an entire day and you are, usually, always doing something, always thinking something. You may sleep for 12-hours, read for 3-hours and eff-around on the internet for 6-hours. You do. You think. Others do the same. They can’t make you laugh and they’ve nothing interesting to say? Nonsense. 1 out of every 18 people are quick and witty and that same 1 has a most interesting life-story to tell. Make a game of it, should it please you, and find that singular interesting and witty person.

When I was attempting to let go of my grief - attempting to engage with others was almost impossible. I felt so lonely and wanted to stay lonely and that’s when I felt as you do now.

Yes, there is something lonely in what you wrote. Disinterested. Disengaged. I don’t know what types of fêtes you attend? Family get-togethers?

Back to redesigning yourself. How do you do it? One small step at a time. Gradually, gradually, engaging.

I never thought that I would feel as happy as I am now. I allowed others in, one small step at a time. It felt good and then great.

I believe that, if you are actively redesigning yourself, you need an idea of what you need and what you want of and from yourself. You have to answer that short questionnaire asking those questions. And what you need and want from others, I guess.

You don’t need to sit out your life.

[Victoria'smom]

I have seen those who sit in a remote area at weddings and funerals and the like. Those that don’t want to participate with others. But I do want to participate it looks like everyone is having fun and I’m just there.

Why do you write that you have nothing to say during conversation? My head goes blank or in my head it’s like why are you talking to me

Why did you write of recreational drugs? Which make you wish to harm yourself? I wish even drugs or alcohol would make me more outgoing/talkative, happy/ anything but it just makes me quieter or happy/suicidal. (I love the wrong affect trick I have)

In order to engage in great conversations you have to expose yourself. Are you afraid of others for a legitimate reason? I don’t think I have legitimate reason

Why are you and to whom are you saying “I’m okay?” everyone besides my husband. His family asks, my family asks, It’s like I’m not involved it really sucks when my husbands family’s around because they drink a lot and that’s just another thing I can’t do.

You may not have a job to make your living but that is a rather rude and ignorant question, yes? “And what do you do?” is still rude but can be answered with much more than “I do nothing.” You do something. I mostly on the BP forum and on facebook. I don’t want to reveal I’m BP and all I do is read and help others that are homeschoolers and no one wants to really talk about homeschooling. I homeschool and don’t even want to talk about it. It makes people think you’re all judgy which I’m not and I won’t even be doing that in 2.5 years. I listen to music, I’m planning on taking up coloring again but people don’t see that as a “real” hobby. I sit and zone out a lot. I’m a slow typer. Thes has taken about an hour to type.

You live through an entire day and you are, usually, always doing something, always thinking something. You may sleep for 12-hours, read for 3-hours and eff-around on the internet for 6-hours. You do. You think. Others do the same. They can’t make you laugh and they’ve nothing interesting to say? I’m not saying they’re unintresting I’m saying I accidentally shut down conversations before they even have started.

Yes, there is something lonely in what you wrote. Disinterested. Disengaged. I don’t know what types of fêtes you attend? Family get-togethers? This time it was a baby shower with my husband’s family.

I hardly even talk to my husband and son. When I do talk to my son it's about what he is or is not doing correctly. Get up and dressed, take a shower, do a chore, is your homework done? I love you good night. I type more then I talk to my husband.

I slowly became like this my husband blames himself.