[Naynay99]

Is a load of horse shiit. It Just stays the same or gets worse.
Or maybe gets better just long enough to trick you into letting your guard down and then it all turns to shiit all over again.
I think I am just tired of fighting. And of not having anybody on my side to make the load a bit lighter. I'm upset over dumb life stuff but it's more than I can handle at the moment. I just want to light a match to my whole life and watch everything burn.

[Tucson]

I understand and empathise with what you are saying. As far as the illness tricking you during a period of stability, I can understand this too. One time I was stable for a couple years. I thought I could start looking for work. Then I crashed and had to give up looking for work. So much for a better future.

[Naynay99]

Sorry for the gloom and doom post. I'm usually more hopeful and optimistic than this but I think I have used it all up today.
The thoughts in ny head are totally irrational and yet they feel ompletely logical just the same. How do you disentangle your own thoughts from depression's fuucked up thoughts?? I am fighting the urge to self destruct.
I think it will be okay though.

[SorryShaped]

I feel everything you've described here. And my own additional mess of myself. Feel better, trust someone a little, get stabbed in the back. I lost another friend today. She told me I wasn't worth being friends with. I agreed and walked away. She tried to tell me that was her "just letting off a little steam." I told her that was burning me to the core and it wasn't acceptable to me. I don't have much self-respect, but the little I have meant I had to keep walking away. I had told her about something I was excited about, a meditation practice I'm going to, and how badly I really need this because I've been a huge mess lately. I was certainly a mess, because I was tearful about my low spots but happy about becoming hopeful and I didn't have control of either emotion.
I don't like people most times, and this is why.
I understand where you are. I am there right now too. Maybe one of us can figure it out and help the other?

[Naynay99]

Hey. Sorry about your friend. THat sucks. And sorry u can relate to my current misery.
Some days being human just really sucks.

I think I have finally stopped crying today. I just can't handle feeling everything. It's too much. All of it. And there is nobody- i am all alone about to fall (or jump)off the edge of the world. I so want to just throw my hands up and say fuuck it to everything. But I won't.

Im still here. I am Just trying to keep breathing and stay alive another day, hoping it will be a little less shiity than today was.
Hang in there.

[SorryShaped]

That's how I make it through too. Breathing and hope tomorrow's better. I very frequently have to cuss at my own delusions of thinking it could have been, but at least I can still cuss every day.
Ever just go drop some f-bombs in the toy department of a busy store near Xmas time? I did today after that crap with the "friend" and felt refreshed, and a lot naughty, but only slightly bad about it. I do "Jay's rap" there sometimes or sing "Rory" by The Vaselines. I love the horror in the parents' faces and the laughing of the kids because someone's cussing their head off or singing about someone riding them. Some guy threatened to kick my butt today, using the a-word. I said, "aww your daddy likes saying a--. Wanna say it with me?" after which the kid started to about fall out of the buggy laughing and saying it a few times. The mom raised her arms as if she gave up and the dad stormed off. I bring joy to children, one uncensored word at a time. That kid was too big to be in the buggy anyway.