[BPQuestions]

My wife told me she wants a divorce last night and then kinda backed tracked at the same time after I told her of my diagnosis for the first time last night. She says Im using my diagnosis as a scapegoat for all the horrible things Ive done over the years. I told her it doesnt wipe the slate clean but it just defines why I did what I did. Not sure where things are going to end up at. But Im hoping that after she thinks about it she will want to talk more before making a decision. I hope she can see that I have been sick for a very long time and I finally realized I needed help.

My question is how many people here have had spouses that wanted a divorce at first because of the behaviors associated with their diagnosis but later stepped back and ended up not going through with it?

Sorry to hear that.

Do you have a therapist? Could you do couples therapy (or marriage therapy)? I think that could help the both of you.

I'd you're interested in that, also make a post in the Psychotherapy forum. They're super helpful there!

[BPQuestions]

We have been doing therapy but it was before my diagnosis. We havnt seen that therapist in almost 2 months. I dont know what he wants to do. I wasnt able to move forward with anything that we discussed in therapy but that was because I was stuck and didnt know I had Bipolar disorder.

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Sorry to hear that.

Do you have a therapist? Could you do couples therapy (or marriage therapy)? I think that could help the both of you.

I'd you're interested in that, also make a post in the Psychotherapy forum. They're super helpful there!

[LacunaCoiler]

Me and my wife couldn't marry till 2015 when gay marriage became legal. But we have been together for 10 years prior to our marriage. Around 5 years into our relationship (we already knew we wanted to get married if they ever made it legal that was) I started showing symptoms of my first manic episode and at that point, after some time of her putting up with my *****, she told me to go see a doctor or a therapist or she was leaving. Well I saw a therapist at the college I was attending at the time and she suggested I see a pdoc because she thought I showed classic signs of bipolar. Long story short, I was diagnosed with bipolar I.

It took a long time to find the right meds but now that she knew my behavior was due to my diagnosis she was willing to stand by my side as long as I was working at becoming stable. She didn't bring up breaking up until later when I took myself off of my meds without telling her and I started up the same pattern of behavior.

Now that we're married, and I'm stable, we've had our ups and down but we're doing good. She says as long as I'm working on myself she is willing to stand by my side.

I hope your relationship will be a lot better now that you are finally open with your wife. I know you said that you were doing therapy for couples counseling, but maybe you can do individual counseling as well.

When I was doing it at the beginning of my diagnosis (I'm currently not in therapy) it really helped me out talking with someone who knew all about it. Plus, it gave me so great tools to help deal with episodes and daily stress. I was lucky to find a therapist who was willing to combine my self therapy with marriage counseling, maybe you can do that if you're willing to bring your wife to your therapy. Just a suggestion. If not, try to get counseling for both you and your marriage.

Best wishes!

[GoldenSnitch]

A bad manic episode led to me and my husband splitting up. He didn’t care that I acted the way I did because I was sick. I’m better off on my own.

[Nola0250]

Really sorry to hear of your misfortune. I had a different problem - I needed a divorce but when depressed I felt stuck and helpless, and wasn’t hypomanic long enough to follow through. I finally was hypomanic enough to leave my situation and couldn’t figure out why I didn’t feel better till I got my BP II diagnosis. Now with some perspective I more clearly see my negative contributions to the relationship. I’m relieved to know I still made the right decision, but it’s very humbling to know how much damage I caused when ill, and I have to own that. For your partner, maybe giving some resources to read and specifically taking responsibility for the damage you caused while ill will help? I hope so. That’s really the best you can do, and all any of us can do is the best we can under the circumstances at
The time.

[CloserToTheMid]

I have a lot of experience with this that I could share, but I'd like to ask you a couple of questions first. Why did you not tell her about your diagnosis from the start? Were you in treatment while you were doing all of the bad stuff? Did you know you were bipolar?

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by BPQuestions

I was just diagnosed 3 weeks ago and I have been separated from her for the past 6 weeks.

I'll be very candid with you. Before I was diagnosed I had a series of manic episodes accompanied by a series of affairs. When she found out, I walked out convinced I was incapable of having a good relationship with a woman. But my wife had a friend who is a psychologist who told her that I was probably bipolar and that I needed help. I came out of my mania and she took me in on the condition that I seek help among many other conditions (like never texting a woman I don't need to be texting, etc).

Honestly, I don't know how she was able to reconcile with me. But in our wedding vows, we vowed that we would remain together in sickness and in health and she took that very seriously despite the fact that I had totally obliterated my vows.

But this is tricky. I still cheated. She was still hurt. Our marriage was still hurt. No matter whether I was sick or not. There's no scapegoat that can heal this. And so I had to take responsibility for that by following the conditions pertaining to my treatment and to women so that I never stray again. We've been married for 23 years now.

I don't know what you did. I don't need to know. What matters is that your spouse understand that you would never do those things as long as you are well. And for you to understand that she has a right to her feelings and that it is now your responsibility to do everything in you power to be a good spouse. And number 1 of that is to follow your treatment plan to a T.

I hope you find a way to convince her of this. I hate to see a marriage break up because of illness.

[Row Jimmy]

My wife threatened to leave if I didn't get help. She knew something was wrong with me but I was resistant to get help in the beginning. Eventually, my dad convinced me to get help by saying my behavior wasn't normal.

Now that I'm on the mend (a lifetime of *mend* btw), things are much better. And I'm a happier person.

Perhaps you can focus on the fact that you went to get help and you're going to work hard at getting better. I think your effort and recognition of your challenges are worth a lot in conversation.