[tecomsin]

Lately I've realized that I get angry to re-establish a sense of control. That I feel personally violated by life if there's a situation where I'm not in control and that this anger gets generated that puts me 'on top' so to speak. So it is paradoxical because of course being angry means acting irrationally and out of control but in the moment it feels good. My psychiatrist says this is my subconscious leaking out and it also manifests itself during my paranoid psychotic states when I believe that great powers like the fbi are out to get me.

I remember the rage my parents directed towards me and towards each other. My sister was spared the worst and I remember both my parents saying, after they had abused me, that I "wanted to be a victim". This is what they said to me when I was 10 years old.

I developed an idealized belief system that the powerful person is the one who displays anger and I think that is why I latch onto anger so strongly when I feel the loss of control and can make outbursts at people and end up losing them as friends.

This anger also gets directed towards myself. It is part of all the negative self talk I engage in although that is not the whole story there.

I never really understood the rage as a manifestation of feeling in control. Most people think of rage as being out of control.

Does anyone relate to this or is it all gobbly gook to you?

[Skeezyks]

Oh no, this is not gobbly gook to me. I'm pretty-much angry at everything & everybody all of the time. But especially at myself. I can't say as I know where it all comes from. But almost uncontrollable anger has been with me for a very long time.

I read, in one of the articles in PsychCentral's archives, that anger stems from anxiety. And I certainly have, & have had, lots of that throughout my life. I never really had any friends though. And I'm almost thoroughly reclusive now. So I've never really had any friends to lose.

[Pookyl]

No it’s not gobbly gook. I don’t really display rage outwardly though. I become really cold, the ultimate ice queen.
Most of my anger starts out as anxiety about having no control.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Oh no, this is not gobbly gook to me. I'm pretty-much angry at everything & everybody all of the time. But especially at myself. I can't say as I know where it all comes from. But almost uncontrollable anger has been with me for a very long time.

I read, in one of the articles in PsychCentral's archives, that anger stems from anxiety. And I certainly have, & have had, lots of that throughout my life. I never really had any friends though. And I'm almost thoroughly reclusive now. So I've never really had any friends to lose.

I take your words to heart Skeezyks. They mean alot to me and I find you quite insightful so maybe our inner experiences of the inner and outer world are not so different. I didn't make the connection with anxiety but that is the trigger for my anger. I feel a rush of anxiety associated with not feeling any control, everything is out of control and then I get angry and feel like I'm in control again if only for a little while. Then the cycle starts again.

Maybe you and I will become online friends?

Originally Posted by Pookyl

No it’s not gobbly gook. I don’t really display rage outwardly though. I become really cold, the ultimate ice queen.
Most of my anger starts out as anxiety about having no control.

That is a salient point again. Your comment really made it clear what a main trigger for my anger is: anxiety.