Hate feeling "normal"

I've posted on this before, but I just can't get past it. I hate feeling "normal". I'm not super happy nor am I sad. I don't feel bad. I feel a little better than flat, but every time I really think about how I feel, it just makes me hate life. I don't want to go through life feeling this way. Both my therapist and psychiatrist say that it is okay to feel this way and I will eventually get used to it, but I don't think I will. Friday I started feeling how I want to feel all the time. I was very up, very happy, had lots of energy, borderline hypomanic or possibly even was hypomanic. It felt great. I actually liked life. I didn't feel like I was just existing. It felt like life had a purpose.

I guess I just needed to rant. I hate feeling like this. Its getting bad. I'm not adjusting. I almost want to start lying to my pdoc and therapist so I get something to bring me more up.

It sounds like you might be more sad than you think or recognize. You might be mourning the mania side if things but to me it looks as if that's not everything that's going on here. Is it?

Like SS, this doesn’t sound “normal” to me. It reeks of depression. You don’t have to feel sad to be depressed.

I agree with SS and bioChe. For me flat = depression. I am currently ‘normal’ and I’m definitely not flat.

I hate feeling normal so much that I've turned back to drugs just to be "myself". Sure, this may not be helpful if you avoid narcotics.....I fear no more.

Hate is a feeling related to disgust . Is that normal?

I understand this flat feeling. It is usual my state of being, until of course I start spinning, then its like a downward spiral that I can't control.

There is no right answer, and honestly, my pdoc are therapist are happy I am this way, and it sounds like yours are too. But dammit, its not living. Existing isn't living. And I am sure if you ask them to give you something to make you more "up" they will tell you its dangerous because it may bring on mania.

Hate is learned. Unfortunately, it is normal to learn hate. It's not healthy though.

Dring a lot of espresso coffee.

No it is not. It is a normal and healthy human emotion. I highly recommend you take DBT.

I love feeling flat, because it’s how I express my humor.

I've been through DBT and REBT. Hate is among the norm of society.
I said that it's normal to have hate. It's not healthy though. What do you hate, that in hating, brings you true inner peace and joy? If you're not trying to be happy, what are you trying to be? I don't think hate ever brings one to Joy.

Thanks for all the replies. I started Wellbutrin on Thursday. Maybe it will bring me up some. One of my friends is on it and started feeling the effects right away. I definitely am not. I'm trying to be patient and give it the full two weeks until my next appointment. I was thinking about asking my pdoc to switch me to cymbalta. I was on it before and it definitely made me feel manic/hypomanic (although I didn't know that's what it was at the time). If the Wellbutrin doesn't work I may see if they will go for a lower dose of cymbalta. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being suicidal and 10 being manic with possible psychosis, and 5 being completely flat, my ideal would be a 6.5/7.

Hate is healthy because it’s an emotion and emotions are healthy. Hate tells you your boundary has been violated. It is a very necessary emotion.

And hate does bring you to joy because it forces you to repair your boundaries without you will no joy. Hate is a normal response to abuse which takes a very long time to heal from especially if it was long term. Some people with bipolar also have ptsd.

We're going to have to agree to not agree.
I have bipolar, PTSD, ADHD, and only recently decided to deal with my experienced sexual abuse. I don't like or love any of my perpetrators. I also don't hate them. I wish they chose more wisely, but they didn't. I wish I'd chosen more wisely throughout my life.
The only person I think I've ever truly hated was myself, and he's not too bad a guy, as I get to know him.

Well good for you you’re morally superior then aren’t you?

I'm unsure if you're being sly, or?
I choose not to hate because hate makes me miserable.

Sly? Um no. I’m being straight. Good for you for choosing not to hate because it makes you miserable.

I understand this feeling. Despite the problems bipolar brings, it makes us unique.

Really? how so?

Losing all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny, how the feeling
Goes away...
-The Eagles

Not all emotions are healthy. Fear and anger may be "healthy" as self-defense mechanisms. Hate never leads to anything good and often ends with violence.

Lol judgment . I need to not reply anymore. DBT people.