I'm beginning to wonder whether I might have bipolar disorder.

Don't mind me, I'm just trying to think out loud and get my thoughts into writing.

The thought that I might have bipolar/be bipolar (I'm sorry, I don't know the proper wording) never really crossed my mind because I have a family member who engages in a lot of wreckless, destructive behavior. Whenever anyone hears about the types of things she does, it's super common for people to say something along the lines of, "Has she been diagnosed as bipolar? She sounds bipolar to me." So as a result, I always thought that in order to have bipolar disorder, you had to engage in a lot of irresponsible behavior like excessive spending, drinking, unsafe sex, violent outbursts, etc. I've never done anything like this. If anything, I've always been a super cautious, goody two shoes, straight A student type. So I always just thought my mental illness was plain old depression.

Lately, I've been a mess as a result of a major life change that I don't want to disclose for anonymity's sake. I was thinking about how I've been all over the place in my feelings on the situation, one moment crying hysterically and thinking I'm doomed and nothing is ever going to work out and the next thinking that the situation is actually a great opportunity to really improve my life and blah blah. I've felt a bit like I'm legitimately losing my mind because it's like I can't settle on one set of feelings or the other. Every time I start to feel happy and optimistic, in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "Too bad this won't last and I'll be back to bawling uncontrollably in a few hours." It suddenly dawned on me a little while ago that, hey, isn't cycling back and forth between feeling ecstatic and feeling pessimistic and distraught like classic bipolar symptomatology? Then I got to thinking about how I've always kind of gone through periods of depression interspersed with periods of feeling mostly really good. I don't know if I'd describe the good periods as "mania," though. I can do kind of impulsive things like buy something I don't need when I'm feeling really good, but I don't go out and put a $500 pair of earrings on a credit card or anything. So idk.

I can't afford to go to a therapist, unfortunately, so I can't really get evaluated professionally, but I am beginning to wonder if maybe the reason I've had such bad luck with treatment in the past is that I've been being treated for depression when I might be more of a bipolar patient.

It is impossible for us to know if you have Bipolar or not. However , you do show some related symptoms. How do you react to anti-depressants? That can be a useful limits test. Can you see an experienced GP at least to get some basic medical advice. I’m sorry you are in the position that you can’t seek the right help. How much do your symptoms effect your life?

No, I know no one can diagnose me. I just wanted to type my thoughts somewhere because I don't really have anywhere else to get them out. Anti-depressants all seem make me extremely foggy-headed, apathetic, and tired. I don't think I can talk to my GP about it. She never listens to anything I say, just shoves me in and out the door in like 2 minutes. They affect my life very severely.

Find new doctors.

Nobody here can answer that question. Find a shrink ASAP.

Can you find a community mental health center that does sliding scale for payments?

There are always sliding scale mental health available in each county. Just have to push to see one.

Although you show some symptoms of bipolar you could also have numerous things going on.

And we can't really know if it's the tough situation you find yourself in making you feel unstable.

I think you are showing some of he symptoms of BP, but I think you are missing some too. This is based on what I can glean from your description. However, and this is a BIG however, I am no pdoc. Also IMHO I think a pdoc would need much more information than what you have given to make a correct dx. So what is my suggestion? See a pdoc for an appropriate diagnosis. None of us here can really help in this respect.

I agree.