[tecomsin]

I've never been comfortable about my decisions of when to disclose that I have bipolar or SZA, when getting to know a new person I hope will be a friend one day.

I also don't know where the urge to disclose comes from entirely. One reason might be to protect myself from future rejection. It's easier to be rejected early on than once you've invested a lot in the relationship.

I'd like to hear how others decide and manage their feelings around this issue.

What I've done in the past is to disclose fairly early (after the 3rd or 4th meeting round about) that I have depression and then later to mention bipolar.

Not sure how I feel about that either.

Be careful. Some people are not ready to get involved to tailor your needs compared to others. I told my (in this order) sisters, cousin, parents, friends (big mistake with friends...meh) so I could give them time to 'gossip' to make it a common subject they feel comfortable talking about it.

I commend you on your bravery 🥇

It depends on the person. There are people I've been friendly with at work for three summers (seasonal job) and I've never told them. There are also people I've talked to four times and they know. It depends on the person and how trustworthy they seem.
I've also found when disclosing a mental illness it's important to be confident and straightforward so as to not make things seem awkward. If you can't do that, then maybe that's a sign you shouldn't tell that person.

[leomama]

Never. Disclose. Ever.

[CloserToTheMid]

I'm open about my bipolar when it is relevant. Not just a need to know, but you know what I mean. You might know me for a year and not know or you might be in the checkout line with me and know.

I disclose at work to protect myself. I disclose to friends to help them grow in their perspective of mental illness. I disclose to further the intimacy of a relationship. I disclose if I see an opportunity to break the stigma. Or I disclose to a fellow bp to create a kinship.

[Trippin2.0]

I’ve never been in the bipolar closet.

Friends, family, colleagues and employers are all aware.

Guess I don’t have a shame gland when it comes to my MH and I just randomly disclose. So far so good as it hasn’t backfired yet.

[Nola0250]

I'm not ashamed of BP, though of course it would be nicer if I didn't. But I am concerned about repercussions in my career, and rejection or negative reaction from friends and family that I won't be able to handle.

I felt full to bursting with it at first, and many times still do, but I try to hold myself back. You never know what kind of reaction you will get.

I've told a close friend, my brother, and a cousin. My brother and cousin were great. They know our family and even though no one else is diagnosed, well, when you point it out it's pretty obvious. My friend has a poorer understanding and though she acts out of caring, it's difficult for me. She keeps pushing meditation books on me and suggesting that once I'm done with this "episode" maybe I won't need medication.

Not to say that meditation isn't good (when the monkey inside my head isn't screaming) but clearly not gonna cut it alone! I think she feels like if I have this condition I'm somehow defective and she want's to prove it's not the case.

I don't think I'm defective. This is just the way my brain is set up. It's not convenient, but would I be me without it? I don't know. Don't think I'd want to chance it to find out, even if it were an option. Hate the lows and the crazy drama, but some of the adventure has been amazing.

Uh oh, response turned into flight of ideas.... figures.

[wildflowerchild25]

I feel I was too free with it in the beginning because I didn’t know how people would react. I told an employer, he then let me go (after five summers of impeccable service). I told three of my coworkers at my first school and it somehow got around the whole ****ing school. Then some ***holes talked about me in front of the students and then suddenly my the students knew and used it against me. Since I switched districts I’ve kept it tightly under wraps. I had to take time off this year but only HR knows why, and only because my notes for fmla and sick leave came from my partial program.

Family knows and they are mostly supportive, for which I am lucky. I do not have any friends though, except for a couple of people I met through here and through my partial program, so I felt comfortable with them right away. If I were to make new friends (impossible) I would not tell unless I was able to trust them, and I don’t become close to people. I did tell the guy I was seeing back In October and got a positive response but then suddenly stopped hearing from him so who knows.

TL;DR I don’t really tell people unless I can’t hide it anymore.

I've only told a few people but i've always regretted it. Mostly people just do not know what to say. For me, there's nothing to be gained by telling people. I get manic in the Spring and if i can't hide it from people i just say i have 'Spring Fever.' No one ever pursues it. Admitting to Winter depression is easier, however.

I would be clear about what you hope to get in return before confiding in a person. I guess i wanted help from my mom. Reasonable enough to turn to parents for help. But she was just overwhelmed and had no help for me. She just wanted to have a good time and hear about happy, fun things, like that i'd gone swimming or skating or out for lunch. She didn't want to hear about mental illness. It was a bitter disappointment.

[~Christina]

I’m on SSDI for Bipolar but also a chronic pain condition.

I literally “came out” on Facebook last year lol

I actually got some support from people that I didn’t expect it from, few people acted like I was a axe murderer so I dumped them quickly.

I really don’t care anymore. Maybe if I worked I would keep it under my hat because coworkers love to gossip and many bosses are just uneducated in mental health. But then again screw them all if they have a problem.

Everyone has there own reasons to speak up or not.

Never tell, especially if you have a job. It’s a small world; that news travels fast.

[pirilin]

Never. Deny everything. Admit to nothing. And make accusations.

[whoamihere]

Certain friends and family members know, but I never tell co-workers or bosses, ever. It's a small world and I have seen first hand that MH issues are viewed as a serious hindrance to being adequately able to perform. Also, as a woman who works in a field dominated by men I cannot risk being viewed as unstable.

[Guiness187055]

I am on the same train as a few others. Never disclose except to immediate family.

[CloserToTheMid]

My friend has a poorer understanding and though she acts out of caring, it's difficult for me. She keeps pushing meditation books on me and suggesting that once I'm done with this "episode" maybe I won't need medication.

Not to say that meditation isn't good (when the monkey inside my head isn't screaming) but clearly not gonna cut it alone! I think she feels like if I have this condition I'm somehow defective and she want's to prove it's not the case.

My brother pushed this with me. I have a history of meditation, but I'm not practicing much these days. Meditation doesn't disrupt my BP. My BP disrupts my meditation. Try meditating when you're grandiose and delusional. Can you say superpowers?

As far as defective. My father and younger brother care so much that I see myself as being just exactly as normal as everyone else. But I don't see it that way. My brain is not normal. Well, they say, who's brain is? To which I say, almost everybody...that's why it's the norm. It's their way of caring, but it makes me feel like my illness must be rather insignificant from their point of view.

[Wonderfalls]

I would go with the pretty discreet faction here. My family and close friends have seen me manic and got over that. I actually wish they were a little more interested in the topic, but they're used to my talking about my therapist or pdoc and are surprised and not interested if I mention meds. My former young doctor actually backed away from me when I told her (when I was more open). My new internist figured it out from the drug list (go him!) and he thought it was cool so must be very bored with more mundane diseases.

It's new people and work I would be very careful about. You don't want to get too intimate too quickly with new people anyway because their reaction will be to back away. As for work, never trust them at all. Things do get out. HR people are (not always, but often) snakes in the grass and you can't trust the company to keep you whatever laws there are.

[emgreen]

Family knows & a few friends I've had for decades, but I don't generally share it with anyone else. If I had irritable bowel syndrome I wouldn't announce it to the world, & I feel the same way about BP. It's really no one's business. Like Christina, I'm on SSDI, but merely tell people I took an early retirement & no one's even followed up on my response.

[RainyDay107]

I met my boyfriend seven years ago at a bipolar support group I facilitated. So cat out of the bag, lol. He’s snoring next to me and my 20-lb cat is asleep on his back, lol.

However, I tested the waters on a good friend years ago. I’d been diagnosed but she didn’t know. She was at my house visiting and I mentioned I’d been feeling “down” and “maybe depressed,” lately. She told me in great spirit how her neighbor “conquered” her depression by becoming a triathlete.

I said that’s great and changed the subject. My diagnosis after a severe mixed episode with psychosis....well, we worked together and those two factors (work explained below) led me to not tell her.

We worked together and I had several other friends from work. We were all lawyers and socialized outside of work. But the work environment was .... professional business environment.

That said! One attorney there had bipolar disorder. She was already there when I was hired so I didn’t know her story. Everyone knew she had bipolar and thought she was “crazy.” And they liked her, she was smart, and she produced excellent work product. I didn’t have bipolar disorder then. (Hormonal changes down the road activated my bipolar genes. Motherhood.)

I thought she was nice, intelligent and funny. We worked at different courthouses so I didn’t see her much. She was still there when I moved on.

Also, we worked for the government and that made a difference. I did not have bipolar disorder or my other diagnoses at that time. I subsequently moved to be general counsel for a large corporation and that’s when I became symptomatic. I didn’t tell them, I had waaay too much legal responsibility and I wasn’t comfortable. Me. I’d say 50/50 they’d keep me on, but I remember being fully psychotic and delusional. I had extreme paranoia and ... it did affect my job because I was very ill. I’m very fortunate that I never messed anything up. I went IP six months and my (ex) husband told them I was “depressed because my mom died.”

They wanted me back when I got out. I resigned and said I greatly appreciated all the years with them, but I was going to spend more time with my family. They emailed me again six months later. I deleted it.

I was strongly advised by my treatment team after my long IP stay to file for SSDI. I did so online and got approved in two months. I’ve been reviewed once and I’m still disabled.

But a lot of people CAN work. I am disabled now and no longer practice. In law firms, it is highly unlikely that there would be disclosure by a worker. I guarantee you there are heaps of attorneys with mental illness, but it’s a secret. The legal community here is stigmatized.

I told no one at work. I told no one in the legal community and I have my law license, but I’ll never use it again. But that’s just me.

I ghosted the legal community and that included my old lawyer friends. They wouldn’t understand. My ex-husband made it public when he filed for divorce at the courthouse I worked at and attached my approved SSDI paperwork. I’m nearly certain they found out because it took 5 years.

They had a law school class come in and observe one of the hearings, lol. Geez. Courts open, ah well. I won at least, lol. My psychiatrist testified that just because I couldn’t work didn’t mean I couldn’t be a good parent.

Maybe you say they would be cool, but the person from the govt job was a very rare thing. A good thing. I’d moved on to the corporate world/private sector.

I’m not ashamed, at all. I think it depends on the environment and whether it is personal or business.

If I had met my partner elsewhere and he wasn’t bipolar, too...I would have told him before we were intimate. Shoot, time frame....thinking.....I would within a month if we were going to be exclusive. (And I’m monogamous.)

Maybe this will help. I have some “eating issues” that affect my daily life and I keep private. I kept it secret from my (ex) husband although it was obvious after awhile (thin). I told my bf about it and that’s how I was, I was ok, and he needed to not try and change me. I told my pdoc, too.

I hope that helps. If they matter, tell them early on. If they don’t react well, that is their issue and best wishes in their endeavors.

That’s what I did. You can make a ton of friends at a bipolar support group meeting. Check meetup dot com, DBSA, NAMI, etc.

I found mine on meetup. Very cool people. I just don’t see any other folks, most often, as I am happy and don’t get out much. My best girlfriend is bipolar and I met her there, too.

I didn’t read the replies yet. I just want to emphasize that we have nothing to be ashamed of because we have a mental illness. I do feel like a square peg in a round hole. I found square pegs and square holes. I like all kinds of folks, but I am introverted and agoraphobic. My entire biological family is dead except for my daughter. Of course, she knows, lol.

I might join a book club one day. Sometimes I get a “feel” if someone is mentally ill. I would be more than happy to have coffee with them later if they had hinted they had a MI. I just might tell them, too.

Nice job, Christina!!! I don’t do social media but I’m happy for you!

Pheasant, I didn’t know how to answer your question simply. It’s not a simple question or decision, in my opinion. For example, if a workplace is stigmatized and your paycheck supports your family...I think that’s an easy question to answer. But it’s rarely that easy and personal relationships are more complex. I hope my story helped you.

Oh...he’s not around anymore but my brother had it. We talked and even laughed about it, at times, lol. He was awesome. He told our (unsupportive) parents and me. No one else.

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by pirilin

Never. Deny everything. Admit to nothing. And make accusations.

lmao, pirilin your posts always crack me up. I believe them, too. And we all have our right to differ. We be differs, lol

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I've never been comfortable about my decisions of when to disclose that I have bipolar or SZA, when getting to know a new person I hope will be a friend one day.

I also don't know where the urge to disclose comes from entirely. One reason might be to protect myself from future rejection. It's easier to be rejected early on than once you've invested a lot in the relationship.

I'd like to hear how others decide and manage their feelings around this issue.

What I've done in the past is to disclose fairly early (after the 3rd or 4th meeting round about) that I have depression and then later to mention bipolar.

Not sure how I feel about that either.

Well, shoot, lol. I could have answered I do the same as you.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by glamslam

Well, shoot, lol. I could have answered I do the same as you.

I agree it is a totally different calculation in the workplace vs. the closer personal relationships. I used to work in an academic environment and was fortunate to have private disability insurance in canada.

unfortunately in canada, except for AA, there's not the initiative to have peer support groups that exists in the US. There are meetups but not of the kind you mention. The health care system is monolithic and uncaring in a way that only exists for those on medicaid in the us. On the other hand no one has to worry about going bankrupt due to medical costs or fight with insurance companies.

i was kicked out of my workplace because of MI.

[UpDownAround]

To further compound this question, what about when you have been stable (in regards to BP)? Yeah, it has only been months since I was last hypomanic or more than mildly depressed, but I almost feel like I don't have it anymore. I told more people in the past because I had to explain behavior. Often I lied and said it was ADHD and depression because those are more socially acceptable. But lately I have not had any episodes that require explanation. I get little ripples of slight euphoria but they subside before I really get hypomanic. I get a little down but I don't fall into the abyss. Yeah, I know, there will probably be more episodes, but while there aren't I don't feel the need to divulge anything.