My Father Just Died

As a child, he gave me a lot of attention, but when I grew up he wasn't around. As an adult he was critical and lacked empathy. I know he loved me but he couldn't show it.

My step-mother, (he cheated on my Mother and remarried three times,) told me he had been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Depression. He took a ssri and sometimes he wouldn't take them and he'd get super mean with rages and my step-mother would threaten to divorce him if he didn't take his meds. He was an alcoholic, died of liver cancer.

At first after he died, ( one week ago,) I felt nothing, was even secretly glad. Now I am teary...depressed, anxious. Almost admitted myself to the psyche ward. Having rapid cycling. The moods last about half a day then switch.

My therapist left her practice. I'm going to try and find another one. I feel like I don't love him enough to warrant grief counselling.

Thanks for listening, just needed to share this.

Everyone deals with grief in deifferent ways. Just because you weren’t close doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel grief at his loss. I would definitely try to find a new therapist. My therapist has been invaluable with helping me process my husband’s death.

I’m sorry for your loss and come here any time to get some support. And don’t be afraid to seek hospital if necessary. I had to be hospitalized one week after my husband died. It gave me a chance to be by myself for a few days and process what had happened without my family breathing down my back or my young son to care for.

Grief is experienced differently depending on the situation. It is not one thing and the loss of a parent is a big deal. It can bring up a lot of emotions. That is all part of grief too.

((((((((((((Zijax)))))))))))

I’m so sorry for your loss

I hope you find some peace & clarity this all this. Hugs!!

So sorry for your loss.

That's a really tough one. Thanks for trusting us enough to share your loss. I hope you can find some peace in this complicated emotional situation. Be good to yourself.

So sorry for your loss.

My father was physically and emotionally abusive. When he died, though, I did feel a loss. It was more like he never acknowledged what he did and while I forgave him time and again, there would be no reconciliation between us.

I am deeply sorry for your loss too, I mean me and my dad had a really horrible relationship when I was growing up and I spent years angry at him, so I can understand where that emptiness can come from when you feel like you need to grieve.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you find a therapist to get you through this. ((Hugs))

My father was very abusive. I'd had mixed feelings about his death. I'd felt guilty about the mixed feelings. It'll take time to sort things out. I hope this does not trigger an episode for you. Please take care.


WC

I am sorry for your loss.

My condolences on your loss, zijax. Please be gentle with yourself going through this. Don't worry how you "should" or "should not" feel, just let it be what it is at any given moment. These things are complicated after all. Take care.

I'm so sorry for your loss!!

I am so sorry for your loss. You definitely have a complex grief situation. I hope you find someone good to help you

Thank you all for your outpouring of love and empathy. I do need to be gentle with myself, as we all do. I need to stop beating myself up for mistakes I make too. I will seek a therapist tomorrow. Again, thank you for all your kindness.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss

I am very very sorry for your loss. Please let me know if you would like to pm.
I also list my dad to suicide this year and I still have not dealt with it.
I am sorry. I know how horrible it can be

I'm sorry, I hope your new therapist can help you sort out your feelings.

Even when the relationship is not the best the loss of the person still hurts.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find healing and peace.

Thank you for sharing.
You are honest and I wonder if you have siblings?
How is the rest of the family doing?
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

So very sorry for your loss.

Please keep posting here and go IP if you need too

Grief comes in so many ways none are good or bad.

Hugs !

The way you describe your experience with your father reminds me a lot of my dad. He was also attentive when i was a young child but harsh when i was a teen. At the time of my father's death i felt incredibly hostile towards him and was glad he died because i felt he was going to destroy me the way he destroyed my brother.

Over the years, i have let go of the intense blame i felt for my dad regarding my brother. It helped a lot to come across the saying, "Blaming someone, even yourelf, gives the illusion of control." I've realized that it was just an out of control situation with my brother and no one is to blame.

My dad's been dead thirty years now and i try and remember the good times with him, when i was a little girl and he was constantly shlepping us kids camping and to the circus. With five kids, how many times did that man have to sit thru the circus?! When i was young, he had boundless energy, infinite patience and i loved him like he was my hero.

I had a good start in life and that's a lot more than some people get.