[SorryShaped]

I sometimes can't tell if it's my mind being depressed causes some of the physical pain or my body in pain causes the mind to go to depression. I'm taking stuff for both.
I also went mildly hypo over the weekend. I had a lot of fun and stayed sober even! I asked a girl to dance, even though I cannot really dance. I used moves I learned in exercise classes. I let go of a lot by doing that. It was fully me experiencing a moment, even though I knew I wasn't equipped and was very frightened of my abilities, or lack thereof.
I've been wrestling all morning with something. I don't want to deal with it and am going to have to meditate on it and let it fully take me for a while. Really it's two things. The molestations have been giving me a lot of scared feelings today which I need to deal with by telling myself that was a very long time ago and doesn't happen to me now. That's mixing with my wanting to give this for now gym friend a hug. I think I like her and can't keep her out of my head for long. Those two things really do a Fab job effing confuse me. I'm not going to tell her yet because I don't trust anyone, especially me.
I also caused a rift in my parents last night after I said one of my favorite parts of going to a concert was going alone because I didn't have to wait on anyone for anything and it was all about experiencing the music in my own personal way. My mom said something akin to not all women are hard to deal with then asked my Dad to verify that. Mom's been in a wheelchair since December of 2015. Bad question Mom.
My ramblings for now. I know others here are having it much worse, but this is me presently.
Pained and confused and afraid.

[99fairies]

Good job having the guts to dance! I could never do that, hypo or not. Good on you.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( Sorry Shaped ))))))

I am very sorry you are in pain.
May you find peace in the midst of the storm.


WC

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

Good job having the guts to dance! I could never do that, hypo or not. Good on you.

The dance was at a party some friends were at. I went there to help them clean up after the concert.
I've decided that I look stupid no matter what I do, so I might as well try to look stupid and have fun doing it. I think that's humility? It's part of getting past that part of me that says "no! They're all gonna laugh at you!" It's why I try all the exercise classes I'm so terrible at. There's a thrill in learning it and even just making it through the class. Looking like a goon while doing it is a plus.

[Moreta]

Personally I think it's the pain that causes depression. There's been studies though that says depression causes pain though, but I think if there's something already structurally wrong it's the other way around. I get depressed when I'm in too much pain, but my pain is constant around a 6-7 most days. That I can handle. It's when it gets to 8+ I can't take it anymore, so I usually get high asf and just space out for hours. heh.

[SorryShaped]

Without kratom my neck pain is minimum 7 constantly. I think the pain worsens my depression. It's fading some now. I almost feel ok physically now, but my legs are swollen and sore from Barre class.

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Big hugs.

[SorryShaped]

I want to just med early. But, I also want the gym later. I feel agitated one minute then ok the next. My knees are not happy with me at all but they're going to have to get over it. I'll go watch "the good place." Maybe an episode or two will cheer me up.

[Slightlydelusional]

Great job on the dancing and being social. Its a huge victory alone. I find staying active and going to where there is life has helped so much.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Slightlydelusional

Great job on the dancing and being social. Its a huge victory alone. I find staying active and going to where there is life has helped so much.

I did go to the gym for the elliptical, then treadmill and poured it on during Pound class, after I setup the room because the instructor is sometimes barely on time. I gave it EVERYTHING I had in the first several songs then went "oh ----! There's still a lot more class!" Modified for a while then came back on stronger than ever. Yoga was very nice to come down from that in, but I'm still flipping gooned on that happy exercise feeling an hour after it's all done. I've eaten a quick meal and am getting in the shower next. Tomorrow is one of my usual two-a-day T-days so I might go twice.
I'm only 13 pounds from my goal weight! I've decided I'll be ok at 170. That's not bad at 6'1" but I should work more on upper body muscle tone right now. My legs are beast! I can do this weird little ripple thing through my legs and make each muscle group pop out separately. I think it's very weird looking and therefore funny too.