I need to get this out

I just need to get this out.

I'm a full time student. More than full time really... I work pretty much every hour that I'm awake and take very little free time. I do this because I'm serious about my work and I'm given more to do than I could ever possibly finish. But being the good student that I am, I always try.

I can feel myself slipping again. I can once again sense the cosmic battle between the forces of good and the Entity. This is so much bigger than me. I'm at the center of a struggle of good versus evil, and right now evil is winning.

I should take some time off but I probably won't. I met pdoc this morning and she told me to just monitor what's going on, but I worry about this getting more out of control. I might need to reach out again sooner.

I don't know how I'm supposed to survive this. Grad school is hard enough without SZA/Bipolar and with it it seems almost impossible. I'm too stubborn to just give up but sometimes I wonder if I should. Take some kind of less stressful job and live day to day.

I’ve made the decision to give up grad school and leave my relatively well paying teaching job for something less stressful. I feel like a failure but oh well, right? I have a son who needs me to be my best self and I can’t be that in this situation. I know you don’t have that motivator yet but you want to be well. It’s not necessarily an either/or situation for everyone but it seems like it is for me.

I believe that you would do well to reach out to your pdoc now and reiterate how you're feeling. Reach out before things get any worse.

I am glad you saw your pdoc this morning.
Please keep a watchful eye on things and do not hesitate to contact your pdoc immediately if things worsen for you.

I am sure it's very unsettling to be feeling a bit unstable right now.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

Stay safe.

WC

I emailed my pdoc:

"Since I met you this morning things have escalated a little bit. I feel like I'm getting negative signs from my environment again, including from the Entity. I don't know if you remember but the Entity has featured in a lot of my major episodes; I feel like it has the power to control my mind and force me to hurt myself.

So far I'm not in danger of hurting myself, so don't worry about that; I'm just concerned about this getting worse. Is there an alternate route you'd suggest instead of just monitoring the situation?"

Let's hope she has some ideas!

Pdoc upped my zyprexa to 15mg. Hoping that does the trick!

I hope so, too!

WC

Do you think stress is a major trigger for you?

Yes for sure. That's why I took a mental health day away from school today. Trying to reduce my stress some.

Great! I hope the increase in Zyprexa helps.