Experimenting with meds = hypomania?

IMHO I do not think a person needs to see the world around them in vibrant color to find happiness. Matter of fact, I do not think happiness can be found in this way. With regards to any type of mania, I do not think the person is in touch with the reality around them in the same way when they are stable. It just seems to them to be that way. Mania is a kind of lens that people experience life through which distorts reality albeit in ways that can feel good. IMHO this can get in the way of being able to find happiness and be content in their life. Being excited with allot of energy may feel good, but this is not the same thing as being happy. It just is another type of “drug” that this person is on.

There was one time I can say that I was actually happy and content in my life. It is more of a subtle feeling, an awareness in life. This was a surprise to me and felt very nice. I was not wired up in mood to feel this way. I was stable. I really do not think many people find themselves happy in their life. I think MI really gets in the way for this to happen. I think meds get in the way of this too, unfortunately. I was not on any meds when this happened to me. But then in time I ended up on meds. I would rather be stable. FWIW

I feel the same way, Tucson. I've experienced a deep and pervasive sense of joy spontaneously perhaps five times in my life, lasting minutes to hours. It was radically different from mania, which is frantic and destructive (for me), and this peaceful state of mind could never be achieved by manipulating my meds. It was a quiet sense of everything in life being...exactly as it should be, I guess, a "right-ness" about life. I hope that these moments occur more often now that I'm older and my expectations about life are changing. IDK. I believe we'll ultimately be held accountable for our choices, and it's enough to strive to lead an "honorable" life.

I know what you mean about expectations about life. I've been pretty content with mine despite wanting more excitement---yeah, I wish I could work and have more money, but unless something changes that's probably not in the cards. I'm almost 60 and realize that I'm really lucky in being able to live within my means thanks to living with m;y son and his husband, who both love me and are good to me. They also take me along with them on their travels, despite the fact that they have to subsidize me pretty heavily since I can't afford these trips on my own. We're going on another cruise (my 4th) in September and to Thailand next spring. Come to think of it, that's pretty exciting all by itself. I just wish I were more exciting...I feel so old sometimes, old and tired. I have physical disabilities too that keep me from doing much in the way of activity. I don't even exercise, it hurts too much. Except for water activities, which are hard to get to when I don't have my own car and the buses don't run out my way. I live in the hills outside town and can't go for a walk either, even if I were so inclined. But I've strayed from the topic, which is being grateful for what I have, which is more than a lot of people have. I would be homeless if it weren't for my family. I can't afford to live on my own...$1303 a month doesn't go very far. Besides, I wouldn't want to live alone because sometimes I need a caregiver. Fortunately, it hasn't been necessary in recent years, I've done really well but every now and again I get that wild hair and do something stupid like try to cut back on my meds. I'm back on my prescribed doses but still feel a little hypo. I'm sleeping pretty well though so things should go back to normal.

BP-RN, glad you are doing OK. Sounds like might be a tad hypo but that's OK. Worried about you some last week when were fiddling with meds. I totally understand that though because I've done the same a number of times. It's good you know your triggers and early signs. If I start reading the news, it's bad. Can spiral quickly and then conspiracy theories start coming and stop sleeping...then I become enlightened to things no one else can understand. So I stay completely away now. Glad you have family support, that is so big. I'm glad SSA is not worrying you anymore. I worry about that sometimes too. I am younger than you but haven't worked in about 18 months, and the couple years before that I missed a lot of time. Lost two good jobs during that time. I have on-going problems with cycling (seroquel has helped A LOT, and much better than others), which I've learned to live with but if I'm not careful I can spiral quickly. I hear what you are saying about not being 'exciting'. I miss that too. I've come to accept that, at least for now, 'boring' is probably best for me. Keep us updated with how you are doing.