getting worse I think

Hey everyone. I found this site while searching for answers. 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder during what I now know was a manic episode.I think it was bipolar 2, but I genuinely don't remember given my mental state at the time. My therapist at the time put me on Lamictal, but I hated it and the way it made me feel. It also made my already recurring nightmares more common and vivid. I was also more stable by that point, in retrospect probably because of the medication, so I stopped taking it. After I turned 18, my insurance changed and wouldn't pay for that therapist anymore, not that I even wanted to keep going.
I was stable for a long time, but went into a severe depressive episode last year. i sought medical help, but my therapist was literally the least helpful person on the planet, and the antidepressant they put me on made me a thousand times worse. I went from the worst depression I'd ever experienced with passive suicidal ideation to being actively suicidal and attempting to jump off a local bridge. I stopped the medication and the therapist because the experience scared me so badly.
I got better, and I've been stable for about a year now, but I think I'm getting worse again. My house burned down about 3 months ago, and now that I'm starting to get over the initial trauma of it, I think I'm starting to enter another depressive episode. But this is different this time. I think I'm having hallucinations. Well I know I'm having hallucinations. its little stuff, like shadows and movements out of the corner of my eye. There's audio hallucinations too. i keep hearing little things being moved behind me when nothings actually been moved. And there's this voice, male and neutral in tone. I can never make out what it says. its like hearing someone on the radio in another room when you know its not possible. I'm not sure, but I think I may have been having some delusions, too. I didn't realize it till I started doing research on the hallucinations that I started reading up on delusions. But how am I supposed to know for sure?
I don't have a therapist anymore, and because I live in a small town, I don't have options outside of the people I've already tried. And I'm terrified to try another medication. Every medication I've ever tried for anything that's wrong with me makes whatever its supposed to help worse. I don't know what to do.

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Wild Coyote

Hi,

I am sorry for all you are going through.

You are in need of a psychiatrist and/or a therapist.
You need a psychiatrist to prescribe medication and to keep a trained eye on you/your reaction to meds.

Can you see a psychiatrist?

I am very concerned about you. You are in a serious situation and need help.

I don't know what to suggest because I don't know what is available in your small town. If you need immediate help, go to the nearest ER and explain your experiences.

Keep posting. We will try to help.

WC

How do I go about finding one? Before, it was my mother who set these things up for me. And then it was my doctor. I don't even remember the name of the woman I saw last time (she was awful and I wasted my time going to see her) Where do I go to look for things like that? Also what is the difference between a therapist and a psychiatrist? I never really got that...

And I can't go to the ER. I can't do inpatient anything. Absolutely not an option. I am in the last half of my last semester of school, and I can't do anything to mess this up or mess up my job opportunities.

Bumping this up.

Does your college have a medical center? They may be able to refer you to someone.

A psychiatrist has an MD and can prescribe meds. A therapist has either a masters degree or PhD and does therapy, cannot prescribe meds although some of them will recommend meds which can be prescribed by a cooperative primary care doctor (I find that sketchy though. I don't think a therapist usually knows enough about medication risks and side effects to safely manage them. I'd do it that way short term in an urgent situation if I trusted my primary care doc).

Your school should definitely have a clinic you can go to in order to get a referral and get in to see someone quickly. Likely you'll see a physician assistant or nurse practitioner rather than an MD. They are usually pretty good but be CLEAR with them that you need to see a psychiatrist - MD - as soon as possible. You will probably know more about your condition than they do and the clearer you make that, the faster they are likely to realize they can't manage you and you need to get to the psychiatrist ASAP. Be as clear and proactive as you can. Just act like you know what you're doing and it will probably work out!

Hi Kailey! Both you and I were responding at the same time when I had "bumped up" your thread, moving it back to page one so others could readily see it and respond.

You have two great responses! Are these viable options for you?


WC

I'm sorry. I can't read if you don't make paragraphs. But I wish you well. Hang in there.