drugs are calling again

I spent pretty much all of 2017 drunk or high on klonopin/xanax/painkillers (or both). In January I moved to Ecuador where I did not have access to any of those substances so basically I was forced to go clean. Now that I am back to the US it's like I can hear the pills calling my name. I found some old klonopin and a lot of xanax (only .5mg though) and I am just barely holding on. I want them so badly

Be careful. I was on an oxycodone ride for all of 2017. The withdrawals are a nightmare.

I also crave it badly. I was crushing every pill under the sun.

Do you really want to go backwards?

So... I question the ‘addict’ theory but not the brain’s natural desire to feel good. I’m guessing that being high and drunk feel good and that the only part that’s bad is the time between the high and the time of being sober?

I’ve known many people who abused drugs — is that what you did last year? Is that what tempts you now?

Curious, but... are you getting scripts or paying street prices for painkillers? Opioids? Opiates? Klonopin and Xanax are more easily obtained, I think.

Can you flush what you found, at least? Are you seeing a shrink or therapist?

I have hope that you’ll not succumb.

What's going on that is causing you to want to self medicate? Boredom, anxiety, or...???

Do you think that your addiction might have precipitated the problems you had adjusting to your time in Ecuador? I know you had to return before the end of your semester, & I know from my own past experience that having to go cold turkey (if only emotionally) from substances is extremely stressful. Physical addiction & emotional dependence can be two separate things, but both can wreak havoc in our lives.

Given all the stress you've just survived (& congrats for doing that), it's understandable that having a crutch to prop yourself up might sound like an inviting solution. Do you think, however, that picking up where you left off might lead to problems in your school program (& life in general) here in the States? If so, that perspective might help you resist returning to old habits. In addition, you mentioned both using alcohol to excess & taking benzos to relieve your stress & pain. Mixing meds & alcohol is some dangerous stuff. You might talk to your T about your urges, even though you've not returned to using.

I was following your posts about how hard it was to adjust to life in a foreign country, & shared your disappointment/relief when you returned home. You should feel proud that you survived that stressful time, & even though you couldn't finish out the semester, I'm sure you'll have exciting & precious memories in time. It may not seem like it now, but I'd be willing to bet on it...& to bet on you not returning to old destructive patterns. Keep us posted.

I agree, once you understand why you are craving those drugs you will be closer to a solution. First things first though, don’t take them! You could swirl down into a world of pain. It must be so hard being back where you have access to these drugs. Is there anyone you can reach out to? Hang in there. Do the brave thing and flush the drugs then get help before you can get more. Please don’t risk ruining your life.

I agree with Wander. If the drugs are calling your name ...get rid of them. I’m pretty weak willed with anything that tempts me. I actually told my husband to hide his candy because it there I will eat it. Meds would be even worse. It might be a good idea to get a therapist or go to a self help group to help you stay strong and avoid falling back into the pit.