[wiretwister]

what if our (my) desire to always mess with our meds comes not from the meds and there side effects ... but ... from the fact they are a symbol of giving in or giving up on our own destiny ... to give control of our life to these baubles ... these magic pills ... a foreshadowing of that day a nursing home or hospital will be our place of finally losing all control over our lives ... maybe that is what we are fighting ... not the pdoc ... not the pills per say ... but the fear of giving up control of our lifes ...

in a same vein could mania be our (brain) rebelling ... against itself ... it's place in the pecking order in our society ... secret desires or wishes never fullfilled ... a way to say look at me ... I'm ok ... better than ok .. I am soring ...

Just the thoughts of a tired old Tigger ... take it with a grain of salt ...

[Unrigged64072835]

Hi, Tigger--

I have that problem with food. Eat this, don't eat that. I figure the paramedics will be pulling a chocolate chip cookie out of my fat, dead hand.

As far as meds go, though, I don't have that problem but I'm on a combo that has kept me stable for almost two years. I remember what I was before then and I don't want to go back there.

[BipolaRNurse]

I think you're onto something there, Tigger. I have trouble sticking to my meds sometimes because it does feel like a loss of control. Twice a day, every damn day, I am reminded of my disease. Taking the pills is non-negotiable but every so often I've got to mess with them, leaving out one or two so I don't get so freaking tired and fuzzy-headed. I miss having emotions and sometimes I've just got to cut loose. I'd like to think I'm cured, but I imagine every bipolar feels the same way.

[Pookyl]

I have a different point of view. I’m a control freak.
Taking my meds is how I control my Bipolar. Not taking my meds or skipping a dose = Bipolar off the charts and out of control.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I think you're onto something there, Tigger. I have trouble sticking to my meds sometimes because it does feel like a loss of control. Twice a day, every damn day, I am reminded of my disease. Taking the pills is non-negotiable but every so often I've got to mess with them, leaving out one or two so I don't get so freaking tired and fuzzy-headed. I miss having emotions and sometimes I've just got to cut loose. I'd like to think I'm cured, but I imagine every bipolar feels the same way.

your preaching to the choir ... amen ...

[MistressStayc]

when we stop taking our meds or start messing with our meds, it's definitely a representation of so many other things. loss of control. frustration. desire to believe we can overcome our own mind and it's not hopeless. wanting to fly free from the ties that bind us (so we think). needing a break from that awful daily reminder. wanting back that those beautiful, creative, inspiring thoughts and feelings....I don't think any of us really believes we are cured and don't need them. It's just what we tell ourselves to have a little holiday.

[Quebec01]

Good post indeed... and all the replies were interesting.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

what if our (my) desire to always mess with our meds comes not from the meds and there side effects ... but ... from the fact they are a symbol of giving in or giving up on our own destiny ... to give control of our life to these baubles ... these magic pills ... a foreshadowing of that day a nursing home or hospital will be our place of finally losing all control over our lives ... maybe that is what we are fighting ... not the pdoc ... not the pills per say ... but the fear of giving up control of our lifes ...

in a same vein could mania be our (brain) rebelling ... against itself ... it's place in the pecking order in our society ... secret desires or wishes never fullfilled ... a way to say look at me ... I'm ok ... better than ok .. I am soring ...

Just the thoughts of a tired old Tigger ... take it with a grain of salt ...

I don’t consciously ‘mess with my meds.’

This past week has been brutal and my medications have been erratic for days at a time... crap, all week. I’m generally very good about adhering to my med schedule. I think that, given my illnesses, my meds do a good job of, e.g., keeping my heart functional, helping with my diabetes, and keeping my head from exploding.

I, too, am throttling and oddly depressed.

I’m not sure what you mean when you write that taking my meds means that I relinquish control of everything. For me, things get really ****ed up when I feel that I’m in control of everything.

I don’t believe in destinies or fates or special purposes or anything like that. I think that we’re born, that we live life as equipped and that we die. If we establish any legacies they are probably children rather than Nobel prizes or a tomb like Tutankhamen. Those children may or may not reproduce. If you’re lucky — really lucky — you may have a high school named after you, or a stretch of road.

But, really? You need a tomb of gold to really catch on.

I play a game, sometimes, trying to determine how long it will take for me to be forgotten (not to be confused with the “right to be forgotten” crowd). My only progeny has a fake birth certificate (as do I) and, although I emailed him last month I’m not expecting a reply. Decades from now, my son will be a genealogical freak. He’s already a mental freak — thanks to dear old expired and unnamed dad — who would expect otherwise? He knows me, or of me. If he has children my illnesses may be relayed but not my name. My gawd, I wanted to name him after my father but I thought that saddling him with my queer last name was bad enough. Should have done it. She talked me out of it.

No more than three generations, four tops.

My mania isn’t quite in control and there’s a log of depression that keeps bonking against my right cerebrum.

I can no longer be in control.

Right now, though, I’m worried that my head will explode in the next few hours, so my psych meds might need adjusting.

[Nola0250]

Yeah I can relate too. I know I need my meds. I just don't want to need my meds. It's really not fair. But life is not fair. I hate being reminded twice a day too.