[Capac]

I honestly fear for my well being, I am so scared of how all this will end up. I have been getting worse week after week, and month after month since last fall. Everyday is constant depression, anxiety so bad it borders on paranoia, I get intrusive thoughts, my thoughts race so badly and I get obsessions that consume all of my time and energy. My moods swing. I feel like I am going to go crazy or lose my sanity. I spend too much time alone in my room and in my house. I can't function at all. I am like this whether I'm around people or by myself. It feels like I have no control over anything, that I cannot alter or change anything about my situation. I drink sometimes to escape. I feel abandoned, isolated, like no one wants anything to do with me, like people have something against me. I hide from the world.

I was diagnosed recently with bi polar disorder among other diagnoses that I already have. I'm in therapy with a new therapist, but it has not been helping yet, and the medications I am on are not doing anything for my symptoms. I want to find a new dr as I am really unhappy with my current one and how he treats me. He even mentioned that I see a new dr because we were not on the same page about the medications. And his answer to everything is "admit yourself" "go inpatient" which I did back in February and it did nothing but put me on medications that made me worse and they had to be changed.

I feel I failed as a human being, I failed myself for not finding happiness, for not being where I want to be or how I'd like to be. I failed as a son too. I feel guilty that my mom is unwell because I am unwell. She worries about me a lot and doesn't know how to help me which makes her feel frustrated, helpless, and does not know what to do, I feel bad about that, I feel bad that we argue. I wish my mom was happy with me and proud of me. I feel I failed my family and friends too. I wish I had a healthier stable relationship with them and I could help them out and do some good in everyone's lives. I just feel completely useless as a person, and worthless. I only keep going to not hurt my mother and because I am too scared to act out on urges to hurt myself or attempt suicide.

I cannot sustain this, I cannot go on like this, I don't know what to do. I am scared of the future, of staying like this or getting worse, because if it does, than how will I end up??

[Wild Coyote]

Mental illness can be very tough on us, as well as those around us. Yet, it can get better. It can get better. It can get better!

It sounds like you may need a new pdoc. Are there other pdocs available?

I understand you went IP in February. Sometimes, people find it helpful to go again.

Is there an intensive outpatient program (IOP) nearby and is IOP participation an option?

Can your therapist help you in exploring your options?

Please keep posting. It's a slow night here, yet will pick up, have patience. Others will be along to comment.

You express yourself very well, which is often at least half of the battle in seeking help. I have faith that life can get better for you!


WC

[bizi]

Have you shared this with your therapist? print it out and give it to her. would she allow you to bring in your mother????maybe she could help your relationship with her?
She may also have a new pdoc recommendation for you.
I am sorry it is so hard for you right now.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I agree with Wild Coyote and Bizi.

They have more information about what didn’t work for you—and you’re trending down and it’s concerning.

Don’t give up hope; there is more to be tried. Let them try.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry meds and therapy aren't working yet. It takes a while for meds to kick in and therapy takes a while to "click" with a therapist. Writing is a good way to tell your therapist things you need to but aren't ready to.

[Capac]

Thanks everyone. I was having so many suicidal ideations today. They were so long and deep, that the thoughts went further than just ideations. I don’t know if it is worth trying therapy or medications anymore, nothing has helped and I don’t think nothing will, it is pretty hopeless and I feel I am beyond help. I just feel bad for my mother, that’s what hurts the most, I don’t think she would understand or be ok. I feel this is pretty much it. I just want to quietly disappear, remove myself. Nobody will notice and it will be as if I never even existed. That’s all I want.

[pirilin]

What his name?. Dr AZZhole?.
When I was depressed I isolated from my friends. Bad move.
They all new and were waiting for me to take the first step.
I lost three years of my life and I can't get 'em back.
I can't believe how much children have grown.
How much technology has advanced.
I was stuck in 2014. At the end of 2017, I woke up thanks to Paxil.
What a waste.