Feeling Guilty

If you've read my other posts (I won't bore you with a repeat of all the issues) you know I came close to destroying my marriage. I was not diagnosed until after I had an affair. My husband was determined to leave me because of all the cycles I've put him through over our 30 year marriage. My kids aren't speaking to me and when he wanted to leave one of the things he said was "you are still going, going, going - I'm ready to slow down. I want to spend time with our kids and grand kids"

Even though he planned to leave he was supportive of me getting helping and was on top of things to get me out of jail when I was arrested for the DWI in May.

With my counselor's help I wrote a letter to our girls acknowledging what I've put them and their dad through, apologizing for it, and asking for forgiveness. I sent it Friday and have not heard a word from them.

He's decided to stay and I'm so relived. Now going as far to say if the girls don't come around and respond my efforts with all the hard work I'm putting into getting this under control it's going to affect their relationship with him. But I feel so totally and completely undeserving and guilty since he said he wanted to spend more time with them and I may be keeping him away from them.

He's a caregiver by nature. I asked him, in light of the above stuff with the kids and grand kids, if he was here for the right reasons and not just because he thinks someone needs to take care of me. He assured me he wants to be here with me. I've done what needs to be done and the next step is theirs.

I'm just venting. But, I feel horrible about all of this.

If anyone has had success repairing family relationships after actions related to BP I'd appreciate some encouragement.

I haven't read your thread, but I can tell you, guilt is debilitating and conducts to nothing good.
Let alone it does not solve any situation. It's like worring. A waste of the short time we live in this place.

My husband and I came so close to divorce that we had lawyers and papers drawn. For us, it was due to the fact that I had been in a debilitating depression for several years (and, in that time, if I wasn’t depressed it seemed I was off the wall manic, no in between) and I had checked out. I literally did nothing except lay on the couch except to get up and feed my kids for the vast majority of the time. He couldn’t handle it. After all, I had been a completely stable, healthy, functioning wife and mother for so many years. It made no sense. He knows I could get there again but swears he will never try to leave again. I wonder.

Anyway, I completely neglected my relationship with him in every way. I was still a very loving and kind mother so I don’t think I did my children too much harm (aside from setting a poor example). And, of course, I have accepted the fact that I am mentally ill and so I’ll always be a little different to them. Mine are still young though (4, 8, and 10).

When my husband and I decided to work things out, it took major effort on both of our parts. We were intimate much more frequently, spent time together every night (instead of me upstairs and him down), and started dating again. I know a lot of people aren’t particularly fond of him, even around these parts, because he treated me very, very poorly and was often cold and mean for a time but, it has been much different for quite some time. Anyway, I am happy for you that your husband wants to work things out and I hope your daughters come around. Time can heal our wounds.

Hi Movingon69,
Are you and your husband in a place where you could ask him not to allow what happened between you and your daughters to affect his relationship with them? If he maintains a relationship with them, at least a line of communication will still be open, and could result in a faster reconciliation. If he turns his back on them out of loyalty to you, the family rift/estrangement could go on longer than anyone wants.

When we pick our heads up, we notice the horizon.

How was your relationship before this episode? How old are your grand kids? Could you do a subscription box for them? Or If you have prime you can pick out a small activity ($5-10) monthly to send to them. So they know your thinking about them. It could be considered manipulative to some though.

It was hard work dealing with marriage and young adult children after my diagnosis. Until things settled I/it played havoc on my family. I did some dumb things which I won’t repeat (I’ll trigger people).

But, just to give you hope, 3 1/2yrs post diagnosis things are much more settled.
I’m still not the most well behaved when manic but my family knows I’m doing my best (which I am).
My kids actually say I’m a better mum since my diagnoses.

He had been trying to maintain a balance but I called one of them the other day hoping she'd let me tell my two year old grand daughter happy birthday. She said I couldn't talk to her and she "would pass it on". It completely sent him over the edge. He called her. She got mad at him, said she was done, and hung up on him. Then her husband posted on FB "Never push someone who is loyal to the point where they don't care." He is, at this moment, writing her a letter that would have allowed him to finish his point. I have no idea how this is going to go. I got so depressed when she wouldn't let me talk to the a 2- year old I took more medicine than I should've and slept all day. I know that's not the right strategy but I was so crushed.

It was really good before. Your idea is a great idea. I'm only worried she won't give it to them. I just got back from my European vacation. I travel a lot personally and professionally. I always buy the girls a doll that depicts the country I was in and get the boys something too. I asked my husband if I should mail them. He said no hold onto them. He was afraid my daughter would toss them.

Thank you! I really needed to hear an encouraging story.