[yellow_fleurs]

First, not sure if I have been posting a lot because I am very chatty right now and if so, sorry. You all probably know the feeling haha. But, I just wanted to quickly check in with you all if this is something you have experienced when hypomanic. I am feeling better--trying to get a lot done, applying for jobs finally, getting back into creative projects, being more social, etc. Also feeling kind of wired like I wake up feeling like I already had coffee and kind of jittery and excited, and I want to talk a lot and do a bunch of things. But, I am still having SI in an almost impulsive kind of way. Like feeling happy, then thinking I just want to randomly jump off something, or take some pills. And intrusive violent thoughts directed at myself only. Not even like I totally want to die, and I definitely won't do it. But, it's weird. Also getting randomly irritable/angry and punching things in between happiness. One time because the car in front of me was driving too slow. Can't even recall what set me off the last time.

Does this sound like a mixed episode, or have you ever experienced SI with just hypomania? I don't feel as mixed as I have in the past so I am unsure. Also, I don't think this is my baseline because before this all started in September I never experienced SI that I recall, and I have had a couple days recently where thinking of harming myself seems absurd, then it sneaks back in.

Sorry if this is rambling or I already posted something similar haha. My memory is also off right now. Thanks if you read it all.

I think you're either rapid cycling or in a mixed state, but I'm obviously no dr or therapist. But yeah, I've been there before and it's definitely not fun. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I've had suicidal thoughts when hypo/manic rather than when mixed or depressed, but... it wasn't like what you're getting.

Possible trigger:

I basically start a bunch of new projects etc and do crazy stuff like speed on the highway at 113mph, weaving in and out of traffic during rush hour. Also spending too much money and saying things I shouldn't say. Then I regret it partway and impulsively want to off myself, because of my stupidity and because I feel there is no fixing what I did. However, that is not actually a crash, because I pick right back up where I left off. I then realize I'm just being impulsive, and I say, "What was I thinking? I'm awesome and I'm a superhero meant to save the world. I can't off myself!!!" I keep doing stupid stuff, until I finally crash into a mixed or depressive episode where I feel like the world is better off without me.

I agree with bluebicycle. Please take care.

I post a lot on a regular basis. When my mood is elevated, which is a lot, I start typing mega long posts. Sometimes I realize it and wonder if I should abridge them. Usually I don't.

[Unrigged64072835]

Yes, I've been in this state before. I was sent IP because I kept chatting away and SI at the same time. It's weird. I think my med was changed at that time.

[cashart10]

I do this exact thing when I am manic...purely manic. It’s like the feelings are so intense that I

Possible trigger:

want to carve things into my skin and walls. In fact, I have carved things into both my skin and my walls. It is a sign that I am very unwell! I also have the exact same suicidal thoughts as you when I am manic. And, like you, I feel like I wouldn’t actually do it.

in fact, the thoughts (or impulses rather) don’t even cause me strife. It’s almost like my brain just misfires intensely for a few seconds then moves on. That’s my experience. I hope it helps some.

[cashart10]

Oh...and pretty much the only time I have explosive (insane even) anger is when I am manic. If anything gets in the way of my euphoria, I blow up. And then I just move right back to euphoria after I lose it.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm like that too. I tend to not realize it's as SI or SUI just "that'll be fun" or "lets do that!".

[Wild Coyote]

I hope things settle down soon.

WC

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm like that too. I tend to not realize it's as SI or SUI just "that'll be fun" or "lets do that!".

I’m a variation of this too when hypomanic or manic.
I’m fearless and say and do dumb things because I lose all sense of reality. “I bet I could fly down there”, “ooh how much fun would it be to play chicken with..”

[eye2797]

I also do the same. I even make stupid remarks with T and Doc, like Oh just let me take a handful of pills and see what the outcome is. Than I get asked the tell me where that is coming from. The fun side of course.

[Victoria'smom]

Somewhere I saw the saying "I'm so happy I could kill myself." Mania feels like that to me.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I think you're either rapid cycling or in a mixed state, but I'm obviously no dr or therapist. But yeah, I've been there before and it's definitely not fun. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I've had suicidal thoughts when hypo/manic rather than when mixed or depressed, but... it wasn't like what you're getting.

Possible trigger:

I basically start a bunch of new projects etc and do crazy stuff like speed on the highway at 113mph, weaving in and out of traffic during rush hour. Also spending too much money and saying things I shouldn't say. Then I regret it partway and impulsively want to off myself, because of my stupidity and because I feel there is no fixing what I did. However, that is not actually a crash, because I pick right back up where I left off. I then realize I'm just being impulsive, and I say, "What was I thinking? I'm awesome and I'm a superhero meant to save the world. I can't off myself!!!" I keep doing stupid stuff, until I finally crash into a mixed or depressive episode where I feel like the world is better off without me.

Thanks this was helpful! Yeah, some of my thoughts are pretty different than how you described. I could very well be rapid cycling or in a mixed state. Seems to be my norm right now since I am not stable on meds yet, it's just weird to feel really good at the same time!

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Yes, I've been in this state before. I was sent IP because I kept chatting away and SI at the same time. It's weird. I think my med was changed at that time.

Yeah it is super confusing. Glad you are okay after that. I think since I previously lacked insight and was very depressed and agitated with even more intense SI my pdoc is considering this something of an improvement and doesn't seem concerned. That was in part due to the Lexapro I was on. I agree I am definitely better than before. The impulsive urges behind it are what is kind of freaking me out, but I think I am in control since I have some insight. Thanks!

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm like that too. I tend to not realize it's as SI or SUI just "that'll be fun" or "lets do that!".

Yeah I am somewhat aware it is SI, but also question if I am just making it up if that makes sense. There is definitely part of a "that'll be fun" or "let's try this out just for kicks" kind of thing when I briefly consider doing something potentially harmful like take pills. Kind of like a mix between SI and just being reckless because why not? Thanks for the response!

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I do this exact thing when I am manic...purely manic. It’s like the feelings are so intense that I

Possible trigger:

want to carve things into my skin and walls. In fact, I have carved things into both my skin and my walls. It is a sign that I am very unwell! I also have the exact same suicidal thoughts as you when I am manic. And, like you, I feel like I wouldn’t actually do it.

in fact, the thoughts (or impulses rather) don’t even cause me strife. It’s almost like my brain just misfires intensely for a few seconds then moves on. That’s my experience. I hope it helps some.

Yeah it does kind of feel like my brain is misfiring for a second, then moving on. Like rage or self destructive impulses for a moment. I have had similar impulses to what you describe, but have so far been able to override them with the less impulsive side of my brain, but it's hard. I have punched myself or other things without much warning from my brain recently, though. Thanks for responding!