No one understands

I have been trying to find words to explain how severe depression feels. I just can’t get it out and it is making me feel so alone. I need to express this to get this out. I just have no words. The only one I could come up with is angst but I am not sure it does the pain justice.

I think a lot of us here "get" that!

Words often do fail at such times. One phrase that comes to my mind when it's bad is "screaming into the void". I hope you feel better soon, Crook.

I call it the blackness ...the BEAST ...the pit that not even light can emerge from ... and I hope I never go there again ...

I don't think there are words to describe it, I'm sorry. I know what you mean. I think others here do too and hopefully that offers some solace.

I agree, it is so hard to describe sometimes and it would be hard for people to get anyways who haven't experienced it. I am sorry you are going through it. My friend who has bipolar told me he hasn't been doing well, and when I inquired he said it was too difficult to articulate. I feel like I could relate to just him saying that. It really can be.

There are no words, and I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Sending warm and friendly vibes your way

Been there, suffered that. For three long years.
TG no one gave me "sound advice" like "get over it" or zhit like that.
Nobody wanted to know. I never tried to explain.
I concentrated in the day of my departure. Asking permission to land.

Then I read something positive in the negative internet jungle.
"The Law of Attraction". Goggle it if you wish. It explained, at least to me, why I was in
that dire situation.
Not that I did anything about it. But at least, I knew why.

I needed Lithium to snap out. And I did, gradually. But still wasn't enough. I was content, but not my hyper self.
I had nothing to lose, and against everything written in the 'Net, I succumbed to the SSRIs.
Being avoiding my happiness for three years. PAXIL!!!. 20mg. The 30. Now 10.
The big bad wolf that eats kidneys for breakfast, and will make you 50 pounds heavier in
a week.
Well, I'm waiting. I eat the same. Like a horse, only it's peanut butter jars instead of grass.
A 16.3oz jar a day, will keep the doctor away. With a can or two of evaporated milk.
Breakfast is heathy Cascadian Farm cereal hammered to powder. A 12oz cup with
Wildflowers honey and, what else, evaporated milk , if it fits.
Lunch is light. Tavern jam and baby swiss. four slices each in three slices of bread, with a lot of mayo, mustard and horseradish. Organized by deck.
Dinner is heavier. Steak and sweet potatos, with a lot of sugar cane sugar, a lot of butter and some cinnamon for taste.
Night snack. Peanut butter by the spoonful. With either jelly or evaporated milk in a shake.
Middle of the night snack is lighter. Two cups of Dulce the Leche Ice cream to go to sleep again. Another 500 give or take.

My daily intake is 5k calories maybe?. Not a pound heavier. I'm 5'10" and weight 185lbs.
It's been like this since Adderall made me 28lbs lighter in two months.
I looked super, but felt deprived of one of my most precious gifts. Food.

Why I'm I telling you all this??. No clue. Good Luck.

Your boss really sucks for all the mental torture he's put you through. Did he trigger this episode or did his behavior exacerbate it?

I think part of the problem here is your depression plus you being exasperated with his vile behavior. I hope you're able to get a new boss like you wanted, and that getting a new boss will lift your mood a bit.

Yeah this all got triggered by work. I was just told I would be getting a new immediate supervisor but now my group supervisor has a chip on his shoulder about everything and doesn’t agree with how it was handled. He doesn’t know the full history but acts like he does. So he is blaming me for a lot of things. We will have to see how this all plays out.