Please help - bipolar, schizoaffective or else?

Hi everyone,

I want to share my story with you. And I would really appreciate your comments, tips or guidance.

I moved to Germany together with my husband 4,5 years ago. 4 years ago we had our little miracle come into this world, our daughter. It was the best thing that had ever happened to us, after all we've been through in our lives...it was a very long awaited child, a true gift. Everything finally started making sense, all the tough times seemed to be behind, and we were so happy despite being sleepless And here it started.

Bit by bit I was “drowning". Postpartum depression they told me. I was so demotivated, so disconnected from this world, from my family. I felt ashamed for not being able to do simple things like calling a doctor’s office, taking care of the bills and so on. I felt worthless. I felt ashamed for not feeling happy, for not wanting my husband, for not enjoying life despite all the things happening around me. I was getting deeper and deeper under my shell. The world was blurry and at some point things started feeling unreal.

We were sleepless for 1,5 years in a row. My husband said that it couldn’t go on like that anymore, and began to rescue me and us from the zombie land. I stopped breastfeeding, he took care of the daughter’s night sleep. Bit by bit, it took us about 6 months to recover more or less, but depression was still there. With a great push and help of my family I started working again, they feared that otherwise things would’ve got critical for my mental health. I started a completely new role - from previously customer supporting role to the proactive one, working in sales. Things felt quite stressful and new. A few months after the job's start, I began to feel changes within me. I felt kind of superior to other people, super self assure, my self esteem and belief in myself were as high as never before. I had lots of energy like never before. I started sleeping less (could be 4 hours vs “a post must have 8-9, and no issues)", dressing more sexy, began to attract attention from people, and enjoyed this state quite a lot. Life seemed to be blossoming. All of a sudden I learned how to laugh - I never really laughed in my life, just smiled, as if I wasn’t physically able to. All of a sudden there I was laughing. I didn’t find it strange, I found it awesome. Then I met someone. It was a formal meeting in the first place (we’re in the same industry). Then he started telling me about polygamy and other bullsh…For some reason my brain accepted this information. It felt like I was on a constant high, not criticising things, taking everything easy, not taking into consideration serious and important things that we were discussing with my husband at that time. All in all it felt as if I was 15 or so. Then we started chatting. The world of polygamy, sex chats, cheating, porn, phantasies, ideas etc. - felt as if there was a second me that was living in that world.

Before I was the kind of person who preferred not to lie, it was simply too stressful and felt so wrong, that I would worry about a little lie like crazy. However this time it was different. I lied like a professional poker player. I was lying to my family's face all the time. Making things up so fast and naturally. The complexity of my lies was pretty high. During 1 year after I met this person I did terrible things… Lying, cheating, self admiration, photos&videos of myself, masturbation in different places, living in a phantasy world, not paying attention to my family, again lies lies lies…and oh cheating with more than just that guy. It felt as if there was a hungry beast was sitting inside of me. I was remorseless, cold, hunting, playing…All in all during the past year I had 5 men, 3 of which I slept with (2 times unprotected!), 2 kissed. The beast was unstoppable and was growing and getting more and more hungry. I was scared to death and excited at the same time. I told myself more and more often that I have to stop all this, but I couldn’t. The more I told myself that I have to stop, the worse it got.. to the point of being unbearable - all my mind would get filled 100% with the idea of chats, phantasies etc.

Then my husband found out. I felt pretty crazy - it was a conference in our home town, and lasted 2 days. Day1 I slept with one guy, day 2 with another guy and in the evening flirting with the third one. In the meantime our daughter was sick. I didn’t think about anyone, didn’t think about any risks, just some crazy ideas of having sex with these people swirling in my head. He was devastated. We spoke several days non stop. He was trying to find out the truth, and I just wouldn’t let it all out. It was about 20 stories in total that I told him, releasing more important details as I went. I still felt hyper sexual at that point in time, still checking out men on the streets, still feeling like texting that guy. It took my husband some time to get me out of there. It was him to suspect me being ill. After going to a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with Bipolar and started taking meds. After a few weeks on medication I started feeling a bit better, closer to normal.

We’ve been together with my husband for 18 years, and we’re the only family we’ve got (no relatives, no real friends). I broke his heart and betrayed my family... Now we’re divorcing and I question myself all the time - Why did I do it all? Why didn’t I stop/confess? Now I’m in the phase where I’m so deep under water, that I can’t see any bits of light. Sometimes, once every two weeks or so, I get out of there, it feels like jumping out of the water: again having lots of energy, loads of optimism and great mood all of a sudden, start believing in myself, have an increased productivity at work, increased libido and desire to dress up etc. It usually lasts 1-2 days, and then I drown again quite suddenly and rapidly. Apart from that I also have a strange paranoia that all men out there want to either sleep with me or have no good intentions. I get very overwhelmed by sounds and people very fast, communication is difficult. I’m also like a walking juke box, the loads of tracks playing and rotating in my head are wearing me off. It started a year ago and it just got much worse. And oh, I feel as if I have no personality, that I’m a walking blank disc. Most of the days I feel completely disconnected from the world, and feel no emotions at all. I’m sure this all isn’t normal, but have no clue what exactly is the reason. What scares me is that this strange condition is getting worse, and I have no answers so far...

I know I’ve said a lot. Sorry there’s been so much on my mind. I desperately need to understand:

1) if it was just hypomania, why didn’t I stop? (I had no hallucinations or super rapid speech)
2) how come my family didn’t notice any weird behaviour at home, I was a “perfect” liar
3) how could my husband stop mania just with conversations (it was very tough but still, I thought that normally one in mania doesn’t stop without meds, and goes all the way to the abyss until he ends up in a hospital)
4) why didn’t I direct my hyper sexuality onto my husband, why did I need to cheat?
5)what can be happening with me apart from bipolar if bipolar at all? One of the theories that my doctor is having is schizoaffective.

Really appreciate your comments.

Schizoaffective presents with symptoms of psychosis, which is a disconnect from reality. You see or hear things that aren't there, perhaps tactile hallucinations, paranoia, delusions. A voice always narrating your actions or telling you stressful things for some, distressing beliefs often-times.

Sounds sorta like Bipolar and sorta like sex addiction. Could be both, I have a friend with bipolar and 4 addictions, alcohol, pot, gambling and sex. As for bipolar, well I went on a manic tear once where I had sex with 2 different hookers 3 times between them. I ended up getting an STD and having to tell my wife who was very supportive and laughed at me and started drinking to spite me (I abstain). It's something she still laughs at me about.

I'd say if the meds help it's probably bipolar.

Oh my. You have really been through a lot. Is the doctor you mentioned a psychiatrist? That is the kind of doctor you need to see. It turns out the treatment between bipolar and schizoaffective are overlapping with schizo tending more to emphasize antipsychotics and bipolar more mood stabilizers although people in both categories can take both medications. But I didn't see anything in what you wrote that would jump out as a thought disorder per se.

Are you on any meds?

Wow. I'm no doctor, but your story sounds like classic bipolar. It's good that you're getting professional help! I think that "mania" is described by different people in different ways, and to different degrees (bipolar spectrum, so to speak). It can be way more than being the center of attention at a party, for sure. Something that I recently read was that the likelihood of having bipolar disorder is in inverse proportion to a person's insistence that s/he has it. Don't know if that's true, but it sounds to me like you're willing to investigate different possibilities and are open-minded. I would be inclined to say that you can't be held entirely responsible for your extreme behaviors, and that, in time, you'll forgive yourself and hopefully make amends with the people you've hurt. I wish you the very best as you work through this. I'm confident that you'll find answers and support. I found your story very moving, and you definitely have my admiration.

Oh...and welcome to PC!

And that's the issue here. I do have paranoia, e.g. today I was certain a person was staring at me with the intention of killing. My head was overwhelmed with the thoughts and feeling that the guy was imagining the scenarios of doing horrible things with me, and when presented the chance, would've done this.
I was scared so much, and I feel that the fear is still affecting me. I also think that men want to either sleep with me or hate me/want to do me harm etc. i have no hallucinations, well at least that I would know of (how would I know btw.?) ,no voices whatsoever. I'm not sure if this diagnosis is valid without these symptoms.

I don't know your medical history and I am not a medical professional. So all I can do is say that, based on experience I've had while working with people with mental illnesses, what you've described sounds like schizoaffective disorder. You truly need to see a psychiatrist for proper diagnosis and treatment.

yes you can have schizoaffective without hearing voices or having hallucinations. Persecutory delusions are what I also have. These can be pretty dangerous so I would strongly urge you to see a psychiatrist if you are not already.

From what you describe it sounds like a prescription of an antipsychotic from a psychiatrist would be on the table. Sometimes it can take awhile to distinguish bipolar 1 with psychosis from schizoaffective. To this day my psychiatrist is not entirely sure which one it is.

Some days im sure i have sza.

The only odd behavior I noted here, was sleeping with five men and kissing only two.

Now to your questions:

a) Hypomania doesn't stop until it wants to.
b) Your family, namely your husband, new.
c) He was trying go get a grip of a situation bad for him.
d) The grass is always greener in the other side.
e) Nothing that hasn't happen before. Try to make mends.

I think you are looking for a good excuse, (as bipolar) to justify your behavior.

I'm sorry not to have any guidance to offer. You asked, I replied.

Yes, I'm now taking risperidon (against szch) and bupropion (against maniac depression). Can you please share what are your symptoms and your experience with your disorders?

Why does it sound like schizoaffective to you?