[Blueberrybook]

My daughter (age 10.5) has lately been having bad insomnia, unable to fall asleep until after 1, 2 AM. At this time, I am usually a zombie on my night meds. All I want to do is sleep, and if I can think of a sentence to form in the fog of my brain, it comes out slurred and hard to understand (this is not unusual for me since I have been on psych meds, especially stuff that helps sleep like Seroquel & Clonidine with some Klonopin). Even when I needed less powerful meds for sleep (hydroxyzine & Trazodone), that was the case. So my husband is left to deal with it.

Now, he is more lax with my daughter than I am by far. She is supposed to go to bed at 9 PM and then can read some or play on her iPad. for up to 1 hour. She is not playing on her iPad of late (when I wake up and check the battery on it, it will be 99% or 100%, meaning she wasn't playing on it at night as she never charges it herself unless the battery is lower than 10%). She will read past the 1 hour mark, which I've told her she should try to sleep afterwards (I have seen this as she is busy logging minutes read on a summer reading program for a local library; one night it was 120 minutes read). But she's reading books, which is not a bad thing for a child, just she's reading too late. I don't know for certain, but I think after reading, she comes over to see what my husband is doing. if he is playing a game on his iPad or Xbox, she wants to watch it, learn all about it. I have told him to stop allowing this after her bedtime, but he doesn't listen. My daughter is his little princess; I have to be the one who sets the rules and makes sure they are followed. Maybe I should stay awake later, but by 9:30 PM or 10 PM, I am ready for my night meds and to sleep and after taking the meds, asleep in 30 minutes or less.

I always had problems with insomnia for as long as I remember, and according to my mother, I was a colicky baby, never sleeping well, and she was quick to give up on getting me to nap. I remember not being able to sleep around 4 years old when my mom had me sleeping in a double bed with my younger sister (16 months younger). We'd talk awhile, and then my sister would just fall asleep. I was SO jealous of her, and that was before I learned to read, not to mention, we didn't have a bedside lamp, so to look at books, I'd have to turn the room light on (in hindsight, that probably wouldn't have woken my sister because of how deeply she slept, but I didn't realize it at the time).

Later, talking with a pdoc, they said lifelong insomnia like that can be a sign of psychological problems. I'm not sure if they meant current problems or problems to come. I was sexually assaulted by an uncle around the time I was 4 or 5, and later in the 3rd grade, all 3 of my living great-grandparents passed away in 1 school year which made me a bit paranoid about death, constantly asking my mom questions about death and Heaven and the Bible, which was probably painful for her as she said she never visited her maternal grandmother in the hospital at the end; it was too painful because she had been so close to her.

Do these sleep problems my daughter is having signal something psychological to come, such as depression or bipolr? (I worry about her inheriting something; my mother's side of the family is riddled with anxiety, depression, bipolar, alcoholism, and of course, I'm a tangle of psych issues). Also, I think my daughter is very narrowly short of the autism spectrum. When she was in kindergarten and first grade, she would even do stimming type behavior, like flapping her hands and this weird neck movement if I told her it was time to do something she didn't want to do, like get ready for bed or do her spelling homework. They had spelling homework daily starting on Monday, but if she didn't know how to spell the words at first on Monday, she did by the time she finished her Monday spelling homework and saw no point in doing spelling homework the rest of the week, even though it was nothing hard, such as write each word in a different color using crayons or colored pencils or write the vowels in a different color. Nothing hard and easily done.

The stimming stuff stopped after first grade (my husband rarely saw it with the homework, only sometimes with the bath stuff because it happened before he got home from work), but she would have meltdowns at school up to the 3rd grade. Sometimes, there was an obvious cause, like she won a medal in school for something and the medal fell off the ribbon. There were always causes for the meltdowns, but they would be subtle, she wouldn't use words, the teachers & counselors couldn't understand her until she calmed down enough to use words, which could be upward of an hour. Also, her speech was hard for everyone to understand a lot of the time, except for my husband & me. That improved during 2nd grade without therapy, though she still has her moments. They finally started sitting her with the principal if the principal was available and doing paperwork or something. The principal has been there since my daughter started school there & my daughter likes her (there has been a high turnover of counselors), so the principal was both familiar to my daughter, and wonderful to my husband and me, telling us she had a daughter with some similar issues, gifted & talented like our daughter but with similar behavioral issues in school. My daughter will be in 5th grade this school year, and they still send her to the nurse's restroom, so she doesn't have to hear the hand blow dryers in the normal restrooms (obviously, the nurse has paper towels in her restroom). The meltdowns seemed to have stopped last year (thank goodness; at least at school, she still has them at home). She has sensory issues - won't eat mixed foods (though she eats healthy foods, pretty much all fruits and veggies except bananas and cooked carrots though raw carrots are fine, unseasoned fish, shrimp, or chicken but doesn't care much for beets (I hate beets too). She doesn't like any seasoning, so I have to pull out foods for her while cooking, which is a pain. However, she eats healthy foods, so I feel like that is an issue not worth pushing right now though I will often require one bite of something seasoned like chicken with paprika, salt, pepper, simple seasoned foods. She won't wear pants or shorts (always complains they are too tight around her waist; anything loose enough falls off her hips and onto the floor). Getting her into a bra was awful, but she was developing and needed one. I finally thought to consult a Facebook friend from high school who often posted about one of her daughters, a bit older than mine, diagnosed with autism, and she gave me suggestions that worked for my daughter. Now, my daughter needs to shave her underarms (thankfully, her leg hair is growing blonde right now and not needing to shaving yet). She was so fearful of cutting herself even with the most elaborate safety razor (she hates blood, all medical issues, refused to visit me the 6 days I was in the hospital with the perforated ulcer, wouldn't look at my scar over a month later) I could find that I finally bought Nair for it. My husband was against the Nair but I told him if he wanted to take up puberty issues like underarm shaving, he was welcome to, and then I never heard him complain about the Nair again. So her sensory issues are a ton - also delayed motor skills (not jumping until she was 3.5 years old which is very late for children, took stairs downstairs in an extremely weird fashion that only just stopped - her 2 yer old cousin could take the stairs down easier than she could, and she was 9 years old at the time, won't tie a bow and has no inclination to learn). Her sensory issues pretty much permeates parenting her. Even if my husband agreed to occupational therapy, we'd have no way to afford it. Our finances are dismal

This awful insomnia (3-4 days a week, sometimes up to 5 days) has started this summer and only seemed to have gotten worse & worse. Does it mean something? Is it just growing and brain development? Is she unable to shut down her brain due to ideas and thoughts (often, she has dozens of projects she wants to work on, or computer issues she needs to solve to write and illustrate a story on the computer). But I worry it signals a coming psych issue because of the genetics on my mother's side of the family and the fact that I think my own dad is undiagnosed Asperger's, and sometimes, I see her copy behaviors my father does (though to a much, much less extent). I just don't know what to do.

I am so worried she will end up with a psychiatric issue

[Movingon69]

Does she sleep during the day? Are you noticing any other symptoms?

Obviously I'm not a psychiatrist, but I think she really should be checked out for Asperger's if she has a high IQ, has meltdowns, has sensory issues, did stimming (because maybe she still does stimming when you're not around), etc.. Poor sleep can be associated with Autism/Asperger's.[1]

If a psychiatrist determines that she doesn't have Asperger's, I'm sure they can help you figure out what your next steps are. I think it's worth a shot. If she needs professional help, then it's better to figure out what to do now than to wait later on, IMO. And if a dr truly thinks her development is natural for her age, then it's no skin off your back. Or if the dr wants to monitor her for a couple of years, then that's not a bad idea. You can minimize symptoms with the right treatment and therefore make things easier for her. Hell, even private therapy could help if you don't want to go the medication route.

[1] - https://www.spectrumnews.org/feature...le-with-sleep/

[Blueberrybook]

No, she doesn’t sleep during the day, but I have been letting her sleep later due to falling asleep so late. All I need is a cranky child all day (also she is in puberty, so God knows what those hormones are doing).

None of her teachers ever showed a concern about Aspergers, but my husband is a teacher (high school though, not elementary), and God knows they are overworked. Plus, last year was the first year her math & science teacher taught a subject (math) to be evaluated on the state assessment test(STAAR), which only the state legislators seem to think was the best idea ever and parents, teachers, students, probably principals too hate. Her teacher had moved from teaching a pre-STAAR grade (2nd grade) to 4th grade with the STAAR and was likely terrified of having low scores in the district. This teacher was also my daughter’s homeroom teacher, and they spend more time with the students than the other teacher (language arts and social studies, in my daughter’s case).

For a change, I think the school will have finally had the same counselor for 3 years in a row. Maybe I can ask her about an evaluation. The thing is my daughter is very high functioning in a lot of ways. Yes, she cried at the side of the playground during recess in kindergarten but in first grade made 2 best friends, one girl which is the most people smart child I have ever met. Last year, when her friends had a separate recess, she began playing with another girl in her class.

But yeah, there are things that really upset her, such as when she has finished a series of books and can’t just go to the library and check out a book in the same section. Her teachers all tell me she hates any change in routine, be it a fire drill or a special program on staying safe on the internet. I will see if the counselor can guide me to some low cost evaluations or occupational therapy.

[SparkySmart]

Hi, clin1812. I don't have children, so I have no business offering an opinion, much less advice, so...take it for what it's worth.

When I was growing up, kids had lots of autonomy; in fact, the kids in my neighborhood outnumbered the adults by far, so, for the most part, my childhood was spent playing games, climbing trees, building forts, camping, etc. I certainly wasn't ignored, but I wasn't being closely observed either. When I had problems, I could always go to my parents, but they gave me plenty of space otherwise. I don't think my parents even knew when I started shaving...I was following the lead of my friends/classmates. Having my mother involved in anything personal like body functions would have creeped me out (and probably her, too). I admit that raising a child in today's world is infinitely more complex than it used to be, which is why I don't have kids.

Mothers and daughters almost always have difficult and complicated relationships, but I felt better about myself knowing that my mom had other things to think about besides me. In my home, my parents ruled together, as a team, and their loving relationship was a high priority. I learned more from their relationship than I could have from any words they spoke. It's obvious that you love your daughter and want the very best for her, and she seems to be excelling in every way possible, so maybe you could relax a little? If kids play hard enough, they'll probably sleep enough, too.

Hope you don't take offense. Again, just an observation.

[*Laurie*]

I agree with Sparky. Sure, your daughter might eventually develop and anxiety disorder or whatever. So deal with that bridge when it's time to cross it. Do you think that you might sometimes project your own psych issues onto your daughter?

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I agree with Sparky. Sure, your daughter might eventually develop and anxiety disorder or whatever. So deal with that bridge when it's time to cross it. Do you think that you might sometimes project your own psych issues onto your daughter?

Yeah, I definitely think it's possible. I think without meaning to, my maternal grandmother projected a lot of her anxiety on to me. I stayed a lot with my maternal grandparents when I was young, and it's very sad, my mom lost an older brother & sister to drowning, caught in a river current when they were swimming, not very old, maybe 17-19 years old. I think that loss shaped my grandmother quite a bit, and she has had high anxiety ever since I could recognize it.

I try not to project onto my daughter, but no one is perfect. And when I have bad days, sometimes they are very bad. Also, my daughter is an expert on knowing just what exactly pushes my buttons. And that is REALLY hard.

[SparkySmart]

Originally Posted by cln1812

Also, my daughter is an expert on knowing just what exactly pushes my buttons.

Of course she knows how to push your buttons. She's a girl, right? <wink>

[Victoria'smom]

Okay here's my take. You already know something is up. you've known something is up for a long time but you don't want to face it. Call the school and request testing. Her gaps will only get bigger and it'll be harder to find help as she gets older. If you don't want to go through the school go to the dr and ask for developmental testing. Write down your concerns day to day and sit down with your husband and have a serious talk.

It took a suicide attempt for us to take my sons issues seriously. He's had every Dx under the sun and has taken a ton of different medication. His therapists have helped so much to find different coping mechanisms for him. I was so proud of him when he got over stimulated at an arcade he spent a while in their bathroom calming down. Then he tried to stay for a little before asking to go home.

I'm concerned with how you're always the "Bad guy". You and your husband need to be on the same page. You may just want to drop all of "your" rules and let dad deal with the consequences. Until you and your husband can sit down and write down the rules that he is willing to stick behind. Everything from dinner time, bed time, wake up time, and bath times. Write down a daily schedule that can be followed during the school year as well as summer.

You are doing all the parenting and it's ruining you and your daughter's relationship. Your concerns / accommodation are causing issues between the two of you.

[*Laurie*]

It isn't terribly unusual for fathers to be more lax than mothers tend to be, especially fathers with daughters. It seems to me that instead of getting into the right/wrong blame game, which virtually forces the child to feel split in two and take sides, it's most important for the parents to present a strong partnership to the child. Even if that sometimes means compromising and acquiescing to the other parent, even if it means letting go of some of our control. To the child what is more important than an exact bedtime is for mom and dad to be on the same page and respect each other in unity. That way, the child feels safe and secure, not torn and anxious.

[Tucson]

@Miguel’smom: Brilliant! I agree with you.

This needs to be looked into, at least to assuage your fears. If you are right, than your daughter will be treated instead of slipping through the cracks until she is much older. But no, I do not think insomnia at an early age necessarily means anything. I see you are being a very good mother. Your child is very fortunate. Also you and your husband need to agree to work together, at least on some issues. FWIW

[Blueberrybook]

I am going to start with the school counselor and work from there. Maybe the principal too; she knows us now. She sat in on the early IEP meetings about my daughter, the ones at which the counselor would note to do something or check something, but it didn't get done because the counselor changed. I think I'll ask the current counselor to check the notes from the IEP meetings and let me know what the verdict was and if some of the things mentioned in the meetings are still issues with my daughter. She probably wouldn't have checked them without being given a reason, especially if school counselors get as overworked as teachers. Plus, last year Harvey happened. It affected a lot of people in my area, a lot of students in my daughters' school, many losing homes and having to move in with extended family. I'm sure that was an additional burden on the counselor.