and so it starts :(

Down, down, down today.

I had been feeling so good. The morning started OK, nothing terrible happened. My daughter and I did some thigns with my sister and one of my nieces (splash pad, park, swimming, ice cream). Now I just feel flat and down, worried sick about our financial situation and losing the house. I feel like it's all my fault because I can't work. Maybe I could do a simple job, but I have no work history, and no one would hire me for it because I have an M.S. which overqualifies me really.

I am so depressed right now I don't know how to make it stop I just want to cry. I feel like a waste of space

But you’re a mom. That’s the most important job of all.

Sometimes we have to cry. It's ok to cry

I work from home online and I don't love my job, but maybe you could try something like this? Its customer service and again, not the greatest, but I make about $2000 a month. I didn't have a job for like 6 months before this, but I still got the job.

I don't know. My work history is I worked 2.5 years when I was in my early 20s and haven't worked since. I'm 40 now.

I would just let them know that you were having some medical issues that prevented you from working (not entirely true, but it would work). I know someone who didn't have a job for many years either and ended up getting a job. You just have to make them feel like you are ready to work by saying you had some past issues, but now you are ok and ready to work again. I took a resume class before and they taught us things like this. If you really can't do it, then I understand, cause working even from home is hard for me sometimes (I am unmedicated), but just wanted to give you some hope and let you know you can do it.

I know. But it’s a job that doesn’t earn you anything in the way of money. When you’re looking at losing your house, it’s easy to feel more like a burden not bringing in income to support the family.

True. We lost our house right before I was diagnosed because I could no longer work.

I understand the financial concern, but I want you to remember the value you hold as a person and a mother.

You can say you are a stay at home mom. It doesn't cover all the years but they don't know that and can't ask. Probably not a priority right now but if you ever wanted to try working that would cover your gap. I hope the depression is lifting.

Are you on disability?

I'm doing a bit better after I had a half hour nap and after dinner. I hope it's just a passing thing. Really weird because I felt just fine this morning. My sister gave me a bag of the herbal tea she likes to use during her menstrual cycle, I think I will brew a cup this evening. I'm on my period right now, and that never helps anything, especially since I can no longer take OTC meds containing NSAIDs like Midol. I tend to get low on iron during my period too, and my doctor said to eat more green leafy vegetables, so I'll try to work some spinach in tomorrow.

No. I've tried to get it. I haven't worked enough to qualify for that type. For the other, my husband's measly income as a teacher puts us too far over the poverty bracket for me to qualify (despite now owing a fortune in medical bills).

Have you talked the hospital financial people about charity care (that's what my hospital calls it at least)? I got free care while uninsured and they'll discount care if you meet guidelines (and I think sometimes they'll do exemptions). It made a huge difference for me.

Are you on a payment plan? can you get that reduced

Sorry for the long post. I want to help you. I am empathising about your situation. It is very sad to me. In your situation, I would feel the same way. I see low self esteem. Understandable. I have low self esteem now as I look for a job. I am scared. First, stop beating yourself up. Now you can redo your resume without specifying your edjucation. Put in “some college”. Depending on the job, I think they would just be interested in knowing if you have graduated highschool.

Here are some further suggestions. Taylor the resume to the type of job that you are applying for. Leave out the irrelevant work experience. For instance, if the employer is looking for customer service skills, reframe your previous positions. “I used to develop software for a company, worked directly with the employee. I evaluated how best to solve their problems, provide for their needs. I served their needs, and I did it well. They were happy with my efforts. This part was very important to me. I enjoyed this aspect of my job.” So this part of my job is what I would focus on in the resume.

Focus on a similar view of previous jobs. Avoid most of the technical aspects of previous work. Fill in irrelevant work by giving a simple nondescriptive generic view of what you did, like for me that would be “wrote software”. All they need to know is do you have have an explaination of that specific time period of your work history. You can always fill in the details during an interview keeping in mind what the employer is looking for. You are there to sell yourself.

As far as the employment gap goes, you could tell them that you took care of your daughter until school age. This they can understand. Now you are ready to have a part time job. Do not tell them anything of your disability. You do not have to. IMO you should not. Another idea is to do the opposite. You can always say you ended up on disability, but now you are ready to hold down a job. This is if you are on disability. Do not give any specifics. Better yet, do not get a first job that requires a resume. Put on some weight.

If you find that you cannot hold down a job, I think your husband will understand. When your child gets older, they will understand too. Look at this as a positive. You have what most mothers do not have. Allot of time to spend with your child, being with them every step of the way. Your child will remember this for the rest of their life. So will you. In the end, all we have are memories to think of and share. I was able to provide this to my daughter. She has a rich positive set of memories now, even though I ended up screwing her up anyways.

Here is the most important thing I will restate. Are you ready to hold down a job, even though it may be only part time? If not, then that is the way it is. Do not feel guilty. If able to, try out part time work. If it does not work out, so what? You tried. No cost to you. This is where I would start, a flexible part time job. You work at maybe 20 hours a week or less. That is if you can manage it and the associated stress of a new job which may trigger you. Begin with a simple stress free mindless job. This will start giving you recent employment history. Then move on from there if you can. Any additional money for your family will help. Maybe start with volunteering to see how well you can function. Of course this will depend on handling the care of your child when you are at work.

I hope some of this will help. You are not alone. You have us here on PC. More importantly, you have your daughter. You are married to who appears to be an understanding husband. You are a family. This is the most important priceless part to me. If you are not on Medicaid, apply anyways. If you are not on SSI, apply. You do not need much work history for SSI. SSDI may still pay, but it will be a fraction of SSI, which is not much. IMO having children will help. I may be wrong here, but maybe this reply will give you something to think about. If it does just that, maybe only one sentence, I will feel this post has been worthwhile.

PS Some time ago, I was very good with resumes and interviews. I have been told this by a previous employer. I have had a manager of a different company call me out of nowhere. He called just to tell me that my resume was the best he has seen. Honest. This really surprised me. I did not follow the rules of writing a resume. This is probably why. LOL Unfortunately, he did not have any position for me at the time. Rats! What a bummer.

One more thing, negotiate with your creditors. Threaten them with bankruptvy if you need to. I think you will be surprised that they are willing to work with you. They want their money, not what bankruptcy will give them, which may be nothing. Also you can go to a lawyer and have them negotiate a reduced amount owed to your creditors, but then your creditors would make the arrangement immediately due. This may work with your credit cards. I do not know. You can also short sell your house if you are underwater with the mortgage. This is if you have to do this. If you file for bankruptcy, pay a couple of your credit cards off first. Then you get to keep them. You do not have to report the bankruptcy to them if you owe them nothing. Check all of your options out with a financial expert.

Thanks for everyone being understanding.

Yes, we are on payment plans for the medical bills. I think if the hospital doesn't give up on collecting (I've heard in these cases they sometimes do), it will be 9 years before that is paid off. About a year for the trauma surgeons, quite some time for the EMS (they let us pay extremely small amounts.) I went to tons of sites for places to help with medical bills and found places that will help with lots of medical issues like long-term sickness (cancer), medication costs, lots of sicknesses that did not include ulcers. It was SO frustrating. Each place would have me phone another and another and another. No help at all. We fortunately do not have credit card bills. We have always paid them off in full monthly. Our cars are both old and already paid off. But now the money's getting down. We don't know how we'll make the mortgage payments and things like electricity, utilities, etc. We can take some money out of my husband's retirement fund for the time being, and that's what we might have to do. We do think when the department wanting to hire my husband at Lamar University in Beaumont gets it together, they will try to get him for a 1 yr. professorship and then hopefully longer, though the drive between La Porte & Beaumont is a very long commute.

I tried Medicaid. They turned us down. It's very hard to get in Texas. I did have it when my husband was unemployed, and the ironic thing was after he had a job with insurance, I couldn't get off of it for like 2 years! I had food stamps too, but when he got work, those stopped. However, there is a food bank at one of the churches. I used it when my husband was out of work. You don't even have to prove income, just that you are a resident of the town (copy of the utility bill & a valid picture driver's license/ID). They have different schedules on when you can use it based on the letters starting your last name. I should probably look into that one again. Food is so expensive.

I applied for substitute teaching and substitute school crossing job work in my husband's school district. Finally got the email that the crossing guard background clearance went through to HR. That might not be a fun one weatherwise, but I think the stress wouldn't be bad, and it pays $12/hr; they are out there around 2.5, 3 hr. in the morning then again in the afternoon. They all work in groups of 2 here. Not much money but a little. We'll see if the substitute teaching comes through. If I don't hear anything by the end of the month, I'll send an email to my brother-in-law's aunt. She is very high up in the school district hierarchy and can help me along if I submitted too late or entered something incorrectly.

Thats great!!!

No. But I will call them and ask. They are a large-sized hospital and pretty much serve all the suburbs southeast of Houston proper. Though. Ugh. I was on the phone with the insurance company forever today. They had billed something out of network that was in network, then they re-submitted everything and decided to pay the bill but not to make it easy and just transfer the money to the place owed. Instead, they mailed us a check made out to my husband (the policy holder) in the amount overbilled for out-of-network. I have so many bills, and they do not have good training at AETNA support; it took forever for me to track down which of the bills the money is to go to (because the insurance did pay a couple hundred dollars on the bill first, so no bill I had matched the check amount). Ugh. I hate phone calling.

My pdoc's office called. My medical records there are ready for more than I'd like to pay but less than I was fearing. I'm going to pick them up, but I don't think I will look at them just yet. Just know that I have them. There is a lot of info from my initial intake there (over 10 years ago), that I have forgotten by now; hospitals I was in, meds I was on, when my diagnosis got changed. I don't feel up to reading it though. I'm going to pack it away after picking it up on Friday. It's just enough to know I have it.

The hospital's financial assistance program can be a huge help. We're enrolled and though it's a hassle to provide all the paperwork, they forgive us more than $15,000.00 per year because of my ECT treatments.

Sorry about all of the hassles.

(((((( cln1812 ))))))