I'm going crazy

Dont get me wrong, I was always crazy. I just didn't know the extent of it.

Last September my best friend called the police because of what I was texting her. After 2 years of depression I was done. Police showed up and told me I could go voluntarily or they would arrest me and take me anyways. I live in a small town and my neighbors watched me get hauled off to the psych ward. Good times.

I finally got put on meds that work. I found an amazing therapist. I've been making progress ever since. The problem is that every time I deal with one layer of crazy, I find another, bigger layer of crazy underneath it. I'm not sure if I'm actually getting better or just swapping symptoms.

I am also not good at keeping a lid on it. I have no filter. I have literally surprised myself by what comes out of my mouth. My friends accept me as is, which is good, however I should probably come with a warning label.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. A record of my descent into total madness perhaps? My grandfather (a paranoid schizophrenic) dropped off the face of the earth to live in a cabin by himself on an island. Hes the family member I relate to most.

Thanks for listening and letting me empty my head. I'll clarify I am okay. Just having a moment.

Big hugs. I'm really sorry you feel like this.

I think you are definitely getting better. At the end, you said you are ok and just having a moment. That right there proves things aren't that bad. Yesterday I was around some things that triggered me and I had intense anger and a ton on thoughts running through my head and I thought eff it, I will just stay to myself forever. Then when I got home later on, I felt better and realized thats exactly what I needed. To have those thoughts so that I could work through them and learn to cope better. So today is a better day and I am thinking more positively. Especially coming here to this site. It helps.

Breathe deep. Know yourself, and know that you are essentially a good person.
I understand why your grandfather did that. There are times I want to disappear for everyone else's good.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I'm pretty sure you're quite an outstanding person.

I spent 8 year peeling back the layer after layer.. Did is suck ? Yep but over time I have realized that I indeed have been processing things and getting them filed away in the back of my mind..... which is how my T and I work .. Work on X problem then put it in a box in the back of my head.. Its always there but I dont actually have it front and center.

Keep posting...... get the stuff out of your head to people that really "get it"

Hugs

(((((( sadgirl ))))))

I am hopeful for your healing.


WC

I'm pretty sure all my neighbours know I'm crazy by now. It's a great shame escaping to the hospital in a police car. Idk.

I'm stable now. And I will always be stable if I don't smoke weed. Its my biggest pleasure and trigger.

Know your triggers and we should be able to get through life normally.

I think I've finally learned my lesson.

I have been crazy for a long time, most of my life. Others have seen this with me. I remember calling my manager at work and telling him I am in a psych hospital for a month. That was not easy. I have really hurt people and have done impulsive and risky things. I am crazy, but I have been working on that by getting on the right meds.

I look back to some of the crazy things that I have done, like going eighty miles an hour, and slowing down just a little to swing back and forth between the cars in traffic who were going 55 mph. I have purposely sailed through storms, twice having me think that this just may be it for me. I was very lucky. I was actually getting a reputation about being the crazy one who sails through storms, the stronger the better. I am leaving the marina when others were coming back to avoid the storm.

BTW I think there is nothing wrong with calling ourselves crazy, as long as we keep focused on our worth to ourselves and others.

This. I can so relate.