[Christopher1990]

When do you come to the realization that you have set the bar too high?

I don't think I am capable of holding down a full time job any more. I don't know if I could handle school full time.

I think I need to lower the bar for myself.

Part of this is how I was raised and where I am from. I just want to be successful. And happy. And feel like I'm contributing to this world in some positive way.

I am looking into going to school again for a nursing program. I think it's a good idea I worked in the field and enjoyed it. But is this realistic?idk

I've had this mental disease for about 15 years now. I will be 28 in October. I feel defeated in so many ways.

Its the same story time and time again. I slowly build my life over and over again and then when everything's going good the stress becomes too much, I cave play with meds or do drugs then relapse. The relapse seems to worsen after every episode.

The worst part is I know all my triggers. I realize when I'm manic but at the same time I don't. It seems out of my control most of it. But I feel most of it is in my control.

I don't know. I just can't lower this bar. I'm so hard on myself. I see myself as a complete failure even though I do have a college degree.

For me its either stay on ssdi live at home work part time get by by the bare minimum.

Or try to get off ssdi work full time all that and risk relapse.

[Unrigged64072835]

I think I had to because of my illnesses.

I had a high paying government job that I'll never get back. I don't have a degree that's useful. I have anxiety going to college, even for online classes. Most of the hobbies I would like to learn more but it's over my head.

You do have age on your side, though. I'm almost 53 and ageism is alive and well.

Ever thought of learning a trade? That would help a lot of people and can be satisfying as well.

[wildflowerchild25]

This latest job will be my last attempt at a full time job. If I end up in the hospital again and lose it, I will have to go on ssdi. I’m hoping this job will be less stressful and therefore I won’t end up in an episode but we will see. I totally understand lowering the bar. I really enjoyed full time teaching but I cannot go back. It’s depressing to realize this.

I hope you’ll be able to find something that satisfies you but is also doable.

[Blueberrybook]

When I was in high school, I was school valedictorian.

In college (Texas A&M University, main campus), I graduated summa cum laude with a B.S. in microbiology and all A's, just 1 B in Physics II. I had higher grades than most pre-med students.

In grad school, I realized I loved the TA part of my job, teaching microbiology lab to undergraduates, but hated the research, and a lot of bad things happened then, I was an accidental gun violence victim, it got my panic disorder out of control, I was hospitalized again, just awful.

I seem to have gone downhill since then.

I've been in the mental health system (on meds and/or in therapy) since I was 19 (except for 6 months before trying for a baby and the 9 months while pregnant, though I may have been on some stuff by the end of the pregnancy.) I'm 40 years old, have no job, we need money, it's rough.

I am married and mom to a 10 year old who is highly intelligent. Though I have to be the strict parent, hubby is the fun one. But there are times my daughter will do or create something or win a prize, and I'll be like, "Wow. That's my kid. She wouldn't exist without me here." She figured out multiplication by herself. She's 10 but reads above a 12th grade level (I guess they can't test beyond 12th grade). And she has some moments where she will create absolutely brilliant art.

So, yes, I've had to accept I'm never going to be a brilliant scientist or a writer (meds zapped my creativity) and that, for now at least, parenting is my job. It's not what I ever set out to be or to become, but life is like that sometimes.

[BipolaRNurse]

It's heartbreaking when you realize that you can't expect as much from yourself as you think you should be able to. I went through that four years ago when I lost my last job and finally understood that I could not work anymore, let alone full-time. Thank God SSDI was there for me and I didn't have to fight for it.

Sometimes I wish I could work even part-time, just to feel useful and make a little extra money for vacations and other nice things. Maybe someday I will, but for now I just have to get off my own back for "being lazy" (my words, not anyone else's) and continue to heal.