Garfield

I never had an eating disorder. I am Jewish.
And since my mum poisoned my grandparents
Against me, It really hùrt me emotionally.
And they always had enough
To accommodate me.
Proper fresh fish and butcher's meat.
My granny always made sure
My Grandad had a good tea.
And my mum was a lazy cook.
I hate to say it. She was stuck In her ways.

Sometimes they were ok like when,
My Grandad spoke about a team
From Ireland flying to the competition I was in.
Other days they wouldn't be as cordial.
You haven't helped your mother out
At all this week. You didn't do any housework.
Lazy shy^e. When your mum lived at home...

I was working, at college And trying to keep
Attending classes at the gym!
It could have been exam week.
But I wouldn't say anything to them.
I would never win.
I would NEVER ever win.
When it came to my family
Nothing would ever be good enough.
It doesn't matter what I did,
My mum would always find a fault with me
And make sure that everyone
Else would know about it.

I am sorry. I should
Have known better.
People were really not
Nice to Your mum, locally.
I only picked a rose from
The garden on the way past
And I got a torrent of abuse.
From your mum though.
It was just me being absent minded.
But my parent2s and pals
Called your mum a hard faced witch,
Who was plain evil.
So she started a war
Over one rose. And
I didn't mean any harm
Or didn't realise it was stealing.
It was one rose.
So things ended up worse.
I was young. But it's
Not a huge town. And your mum
Was nasty to me, many times.
The rose was the excuse.

But it doesn't matter
What little Angus said, I should
Not have pulled your joggers down a nip.
It wasn't in a wide open space
Or view of many.
On a climbing frame.
Only part of the backside
Was the result.
The pants only.
Was the rash plan.
Not even the backside.
Never the front.
Not that private.
What I did was bad enough.
I deserved a rollicking.
And I would have apologised.
It started over one rose.
The police should have
Spoken to Angus' mum
To leave me be,
At the very start.
I Was a smart girl and
I would say sorry even
If it was just a rose.
Can I suggest she was
Envious? I was top of my class.

When I went past your car
With mum and a pal
They would sing a derogatory song.
Nobody was sympathetic
Towards my father and
His health issues either.
So I really should have
Been friendly towards Angus.
From the outside looking in
I used to wonder why his mum
Seemed so full of vitriol.

I was sorry back then,
For upsetting Angus at the time.
I am even more sorry now.
It wasn't an easy neighbourhood
To grow up in. For any of us.
Sometimes wanting to do
The right thing, isn't enough.
If you don't have the tools
To deal with your emotions
Then stupid mistakes happen.
Im really sorry Angus.

My step dad would make fun
Of my father when out.
Pretending to drag his leg,
And joke saying "bullets stuck in my leg,
It's a bullet from colditz,
Couldn't get it out, I'm a hero"
I known my father spoke
Like he had a love affair with the army,
But I would never mock a physical
Or mental disability, or health ailment.
Not at their age and stage of life.
But my mum didn't leave
My father solely because he had a stroke
And had to quit work.
I believe this because he
Was in a dark place mentally for
All the time I knew him.
And I didn't want to see
Him anymore than I had to.
Saturday morning swim and
Grab something to eat,
Then go back home.
That was fine.
But the solicitor made it
A whole Saturday. I
Didn't feel like I had a choice.
And I put up with so much
For him. The grief I got
At home was bordering abuse.
So that's why I wouldn't stand
For excuses. I never got a straight answer.
Tell a white lie if I am
Too young to understand. That's fine.
But everyone said you were
An intelligent man.
And if my mum caused so
Much damage abandoning you,
Then I couldn't cut you out. Seeing as
I was your only child? Right?

Through the letterbox,
Didn't threaten to do that
To someone with an allergy.
I did correct my story,
And say they must have
Guessed I fabricated it.
My judgement was slipping.

Balthascar810, can we help somehow or are you just venting? I feel bad because you are posting and not getting a response and I think nobody is sure what you want/need.

Thanks rainbow. Your correct I'm not really asking for assistance as such. I should really start a blog. It's more like a diary.

You all knew bees was a lie.
And the cats was exaggerated.
Just bored kids,
With self absorbed parents.
Misplaced anger. Clouded vision.

There is sugar in the jam, the cream & the bun.
I have all his albums. He's got naturally low blood pressure and was a surfer.
How many albums has he got?
Three so far. I found his two old ones in smiths.
What are they called?
Why are you always trying to trip me up.
Smart people sound dumb to people
Who don't understand them.
And that group of blokes
You tried to impress
Seen straight through you.
Especially when you slept
One of their ex girlfriends
Who was too young for you.
Inviting yourself out
To lunch with them.
Grabbing Freds phone to see
His texts from me.
They got fed up of you,
When they saw your true colours.
And where I worked,
They stuck up for me.

My second shot at
The brit champs
A coach approached me
And said that I lost
Because you were my coach,
And that it was my fight.
Your reputation preceded you,
But in a negative sense.
I did keep looking at
The scoreboard, puzzled.

Your favourite sayings:
Nae wise, immature and as
Long as their happy.
Not one person agreed
With you but you
Couldn't let it lie.
Why would you tell
Someone to leave their
Man or Mrs while
They were on suicide watch?
I was asked to train
With the Olympic team.
You were a two faced snake.
You told my mum one thing
But Fred the complete opposite!

I Was no threat to you now.
And I never was.
You thought you were
Taking the moral high ground.
If I had cancer would
You have told him to leave?

I couldn't make the morning training
All the time.
I had early shifts at work
Or if I had a late shift
At work, not home
Until eleven
Then winding down
For a night owl who was
A teenager and had
A physically demanding job
Getting up at 530
To do hard-core exercise
It was too much.
And me and Mersey
Had artistic differences,
And we weren't on texting terms.
I wasn't fit enough
For the Swedish Open.

If I really wanted to do
Cross country then I
Would have put my hand up.
I wasn't competitive
When it came to P.E.
I got headaches when
The wind was icy cold,
And walking to school.
The only sport I really
Liked to watch was
Gymnastics because they
Had poise and grace and finesse,
Aswell as strength and speed.

It was Jokes with double meaning
And self deprecating humour.
I should have had a warning up. Meh.
If you take things at face value,
You will draw false conclusion.
Apologies for Lorde.
Apologies to Nomad,
But you made up a story
When I did nothing to you.
Ski instructor? Lie. PE coach. Lie also?
I hope you have a nice life.
It was you who asked me
Don't you have a dream?
But I'm not sure if one good
Idea can make up for
An immature rumour,
That did more damage
Than you comprehended.
I was training at a high level.
I was living the dream,
In some respects.
I understand why and
I know that insecurities
Can make the smartest
Of people, make the most obtuse decisions.
You were smarter
Than them, why damn
Me to get their approval.
It's ok. I only called you a nomad.

The walk of shame?
Walking to the taxi rank
At eleven at night.
After being at a friend's.
It was Incessant .
It was a form of bullying.
I was immature??????
I wasn't old enough
To drink at the pubs yet even.
I Was at a friend's house.

Better not go near
These predators tonight.
They are on the pull
And the scrounge tonight.
Not you obviously! Just them.
Obviously not everyone
Believed silly little rumours.
He made sure I knew
That comment was definitely
Not for me.
There were respectful
Men out there.
I had been with Fred
For years at the time.
I never even considered
Cheating on him.
To be honest
Speaking hypothetically
If I did walk home late at night
Wouldn't the grown
Up thing for a man
To say would be :
Keep yourself safe.
And always keep money
For a taxi. Its not
Safe anywhere for
Young women after dark.
In a town, city or a village.
I can count the times I
Walked home alone,
On one hand.
My parents went Insane.
The handful of times
I ignored my phone.
They phoned my friends
Mum and dad on
Occasions so my friends
Actually couldn't be done
With the grief or hassle.
People feared the wrath
Of my parents,
And this made me
Feel so confined. And lonely.
I came in after curfew
Once and David smashed
The window on the door
Because I told him
They treated me like a child
And because of them
My friends thought I was a retard.

It may have been funny to you
But I took the bare essentials.
And I was cold for the
Whole of the trip.
But it was you,
So I didn't even consider
Telling our instructor.
It would have been weak,
To say I was the victim.
And I may have made
Matters worse for myself.
So I would grin and bear it.
Hoodie and denim jacket layering.
You were a c^nt but
Didn't even argue and I
Slept On the floor.
Thankfully, model blue eyes
Brought a sleeping bag
Just In case.
Most or all of the "double rooms"
Were just double beds.
And mope a dope
Had kittens when he
Realised that it wasn't separate
Beds in his room
As he was sharing with
A male team mate.
And he demanded a change.
He made a fool of himself,
Because yes we were young,
Only 14 or 15 but we
Knew that kicking off
In spectacular fashion
In case you got called gay
Was insecure and childish
On his part.

Always seen you as
A tea boy, Fred, tee hee.
I went in past mum's
Work before
Heading on home
And you came in and said
" Are you actually doing
Some real work today, no..
Thought it was too good
To be true.."
The managers at my
Work knew that
I Was a hard worker.

I want to see two t shirts
With that money.
I furrow my brow
And scratch my head.
Give it back and you
Can do without, then.
No no it's fine.
I have cramp today, that's why.
Good! Now get out my sight.

The story of my life really.
There's nothing I could
Have done but to
Adapt to the situation
That was placed on my lap.
I got new trainers.
They are bouffin she said.
What possessed you to pick these?

So much water Under the bridge.
You did everything in your power
To hinder me from flourishing.
So we will never have a normal
Mum-daughter relationship.
My brother would have
Went to his nan n granda's
Whenever you or dad
Were unreasonable. But
Gran and grandad on mum's
Side would never have understood me.
Nana was a modern nana.
Gran was a self centred alcoholic.
And grandad would
Have none of it .
He would have called
Me a spoilt and ungrateful brat.

I would have been transferred
Back to my home town anyway.
I would have blended in.
Less comings and goings
The higher up.
Less questions at a
Main stream company.
I picked the one further
Out of town. The quieter
And smaller one.
A private let would
Have felt more invasive.
And 3 or 4 people
Was better than 8 or more.

The only thing I regret
Saying is I would
Would take a better stab
At it than them.
I was thinking but
Held back from saying:
Because they were
A spoilt brat who
Wasn't willing to
Do the hard graft required.
And for saying that
They were not the real deal.
That was ill informed of me.
Thinking that you were
A school nurse. And
Not even asking
How much time or if you
Had worked on hospital wards.
Seniors in your proffession
Can sometimes go on to
Spend more time in
The office later on in their
Careers as they get experience,
Or move up the ranks
I did know that.
It's not like me to act out
Like that.

I Was stressed out.
And I had been drinking.
And I wasn't taking my
Medication either.
So even if it was nonsense
I still want to apologise.

So when I got time
To think in rehab
I realised why I said
These particular outlandish things.
Deep down I was frightened
That I would be forced
Back to Fred.
So I was losing it.

My mum didn't have
What it took to care
For my late granny,
I know I shouldn't
Speak ill of the dead. But
My gran needed
Proffessional care at home.
Grey admitted "I can't speak ill
Of my auntie Janet"
And she got flustered
When we got a nurse
And doctor from the surgery.
And I brought up the Gastroenteritis.
Because I didn't realise
That it was caused by the alcohol
More than anything else.
They never heard me.

She should have
Been in a care home.
My mum could never have
Coped with my grandmother. Alone.
She seen her every single night.
My mum had no nursing experience.
She couldn't drive.
And my gran chain
Smoked all day
And it was a flat.
My gran wanted company.
And that was it.
She had no intention,
To care for her health.
She was addicted to alcohol,
And like an addict
The most important thing
In her life was whiskey.
And smoking on top of this.
It was not realistic
Of my gran to expect
My mum to move in
With her and do everything.
The spot light would
Be fixed on my mum.
My mum would have
To face the scrutiny
Every single time
My gran needed medical
Assistance which was very often.
Everyone would think
That my mum wasn't
Doing her job properly.
My gran was a complicated case
We will all admit that.
She was frail but
She was far from timid.

The proffessional carers
Were the only way.
An outside eye.
And when they asked
My gran not to smoke
Until they were done
She would snap: it's my house(flat)
And told everybody who
Wpuld listen that how dare
Someone ask her to
Not smoke in her own home!
My gran appreciated my mum,
Seeing as she was there
Every night without fail.
So my mum actually
Put up with a lot
Of grief when she
Was doing the best she could.

Not everyone realised
That she wanted and needed
Her whiskey and cigarettes
At all costs.
When she ran out
Of drink or cigarettes
She would attempt to
Go and get them herself.
Even though she wasn't strong
Enough physically so
She fell down the stairs
On a number of occasions.
A neighbour convinced her
To not cross the road
And wait for someone, after
She made it outside
And down the stairs .
In another attempt,
She phoned a taxi
And when the driver
Came to the door
She gave them money
To go to the shop and back
And get whiskey, without her.
She would have resorted
To anything she possibly could.
But there was never
More than a fifth of whiskey
Available in the house.
She had been an alcoholic
For decades and did
Not want to stop.
She needed to be
In a place with the
Proper facilities in
Order to quit. But
No one could force her
To a home or hospital.
She was old but the woman
Had rights and did
Not want to stop drinking.
She was offered a bungalow
So she could get
Some fresh air and sit
In the garden. No.
Sheltered housing so
She could speak to other
Residents. And a warden
Around at all times. No.
I think that my gran
Didn't want to be around
For much longer.
So she just wanted to stay put.

You should write a book