[Blueberrybook]

I am so sick of the med dance. This one up, that one down, try this one, let's try that.

And still, nothing helps 100%. I'd say the only 100% thing I can be sure of is that Seroquel 400 mg knocks me right out at bedtime, so at least I get some sleep.

This afternoon, I've got a tension headache. I took Tylenol; it did nothing, and I can't ever take NSAIDs again. I'm not even tempted to try. My luck if I get another ulcer, it will be the silent type with zero symptoms, and you just can't treat what you don't know you have. Probably I am now looking at regular upper endoscopies by the gastro-doc. He is not cheap either. And my insurance sucks. But he is very good at his job, so I am glad the team of trauma surgeons consulted him. Though probably they always do with GI stuff since his practice is just down the road from the hospital.

My back aches. I feel like I have PMS, but I just finished my stupid extra short period cycle last week. I mean, 21 days, really?!

Anxiety is high, panic is high, I'm running too much. I have been praying to God for me to find the strength to get through this CPS investigation. I have not heard back from the caseworker on that. Last week, maybe mid-week, she called and told me she doesn't think she can set up a psychological assessment near the area I live in or am comfortable driving in in a timely manner. So now, at a point I do not yet know, she will set up the assessment, and someone will come out to drive me to it. Talk about awkward car rides and conversations. I wish I'd just get that over with. It feels like a black cloud hanging over my head.

H tries to be supportive, but he just can't. It's hard enough trying to explain one MI diagnosis to him, let alone when you feel like you are diagnosed with half of everything in the DSM-V. And things like eating disorders he really doesn't get; mine is pretty easy to ignore if you like since I run early and eat normally all day, especially when he & my daughter are home. Meaning, yes, I am guilty of sometimes skipping lunch or breakfast, not so much for ED reasons, more for this anxiety I just cannot get rid of; that has started recently.

Oh, and here's the great part. My insurance company insisted my pdoc send all my prescriptions that have had the same dosage 3 months or more through mail order (except for controlled substances). He sent them in a week ago. I am going to be taking the last of a couple of my meds, buspirone is one, maybe Seroquel 400 mg another. Finally, after the meds did not appear in the mail today, I went to the mail order pharmacy website. All my meds are due to arrive Sept. 12 - 17. Great! So now am I going to have to go to the pharmacy (which mail order should make less & not more frequent) and beg loaners off the pharmacist and hope to God they have what I need in stock in their pharmacy or in the pharmacy in another of their stores not too far away.

And I am taking everything right and still half the time, I feel so panicky, I can't stop it. Why won't the meds just work? Why do I feel like I'm getting worse with time & not better?

I'm hurting too today. Fibro loves to act up during stress.

Tough day.

[Moose72]

My meds are constantly getting moved around. Reactions mostly. Hoping to get off all but haldol and rexulti but we'll see. I cant do nsaids either so i do tylenol and it barely touches my pain- and thats normal headach/migraine stuff!

[imaginethat]

Sorry you're in such a rough spot. Getting meds right is so frustrating. I can tell you my experience and hope it helps you. I've been on almost every antipsychotic there is and had terrible side effects. Latuda has really helped me. If it stops working, I'll be up a creek finding a new med.

My other meds go through other periods of working, and then I get really depressed, and then I have to increase one of my antidepressants (I'm on Viibryd and Buproprion).

I think meds rarely work 100% of the time because the brain is such a complex organ. We're dealing with the brain and our behavior.

Are you seeing a therapist? Meds with therapy is the best combination of treatments.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm trying to find a therapist, but many get turned off by my admitting to an ED. I did go to a therapist who hesitated so much to work with me because of the ED. I had told her all my story, etc., and then she hit me with that. I didn't even highlight the ED in particular, that panic was actually bothering me most, maybe depression too. I tend to be mixed according to the pdoc, but I feel like I spend most of it in depression.

I'm sorry finding a therapist has been such a hassle. I know that you will eventually find one. Keep that in mind.

With what I wrote above in mind, I believe that there is no medication cocktail that can make people 100% unless they have 0% psychological issues beyond just bipolar disorder episodes. Medications help control bipolar episodes, but can't take away underlying anxiety and other psych issues. Maybe they can help a little, but they can't do the work that we must do with therapists.

It is not my medication cocktail preventing me from getting off of disability, it is psych stuff that no medication(s) in the world could possibly fix. I know there's still therapeutic work ahead of me. It would be easy to pass off blame on medications, but I know I shouldn't, especially with my current medication mix.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I'm sorry finding a therapist has been such a hassle. I know that you will eventually find one. Keep that in mind.

With what I wrote above in mind, I believe that there is no medication cocktail that can make people 100% unless they have 0% psychological issues beyond just bipolar disorder episodes. Medications help control bipolar episodes, but can't take away underlying anxiety and other psych issues. Maybe they can help a little, but they can't do the work that we must do with therapists.

It is not my medication cocktail preventing me from getting off of disability, it is psych stuff that no medication(s) in the world could possibly fix. I know there's still therapeutic work ahead of me. It would be easy to pass off blame on medications, but I know I shouldn't, especially with my current medication mix.

I do agree with this. I know meds are not a magic fix. But the pdocs keep trying to find something to make things more normal for me. And I mean, I don't need to be hypo or manic, spending money left & right as we are in financial trouble and likely because of me so I agree to the changes. Or I don't want to be so depressed I see no point to my life, so I keep on with the tinkering, though I am tired of it.

There are three "Ps" I've had to practice in my life. The first I have mostly had throughout my life, the second two I had to learn. The second, in particular is one I used to balk at in my youth, but now I really understand and appreciate much more. They are:

1. Persistence

2. Patience

3. Prudence

During the throes of illness, the above sometimes go out the window, but I've found that working hard at each has made me a bit more protected.

[*Laurie*]

Yes, I know. The whole thing is so very frustrating - and mental illness is terribly complicated because most people simply do not "get it". (That includes mental health professionals.)

I'm very sorry to hear that your husband isn't being supportive. It sounds like he's supportive of your daughter; I wish he'd understand that he's modeling behavior for her by the way he treats you.

As for the ride with someone . OMG, that would send me into a tailspin. I know it would be rather awkward, but I'm wondering if you could tell the person, "I apologize, but I am so anxious right now that, if you don't mind, I'm just going to sit in the back seat and try to calm myself" ?