When you're just not getting better.

Sep 23, 2018, 02:22 PM

The title is a little misleading -- I can't be getting better when I don't even have my medicines to help even me out. However, despite the fact I've spilled my guts here a few times about my issues, let's just sum it up to this point: I can't afford to see a doctor or my medicines and probably won't for some time longer. I'm working on it, but it's not gonna change too soon.

I'm getting worse, and in a weird way. I'm not hitting new lows, or deeper in depression per se-- it's more like a lateral shift, more symptoms, thoughts and feelings blunted and colored by depression. This isn't the lowest I ever felt, but it's the most extreme I've felt. It's kind of like I'm used to buying just the sandwich at the restaurant, and I've now got the full meal.. if that analogy makes more sense. It's like a whole array of symptoms that I'm not really used to with my depression. But again, it doesn't seem "worse" as in a deeper depression, just a much more entailed one.

I've been wrestling with the idea of maybe going inpatient. I don't know why I waste my time with such thoughts -- even if I could get accepted (Not likely-- I'm not suicidal or a harm to myself or others), what good would it really do? I couldn't afford it anyway. It's ridiculous to think something is really going to change my problems that doesn't involve me just sucking it up and doing it. It's hard for me to even get up in the morning, let alone do anything. I do not have the energy to rebuild my life from scratch after working so damn hard to make that life happen in the first place. It's not worth it, it wasn't the first time-- despite all hope, it's not now. That isn't a suicidal cry, that's simply fact. I have given up because I don't see the use. I'm sorry I'm being so negative lately-- I'll probably dissappear yet again for months at a time (which isn't just online, it's my entire life.. I'm prone to doing it) so don't worry about these threads bombarding all the intellectual and positive reinforcement you all are known for.

Have a great day guys.

Daonnachd · Sep 23, 2018, 03:25 PM

Heya, sorry to see that you've got the full meal now. I hope this gets resolved soon.

Wild Coyote · Sep 23, 2018, 08:29 PM

It's good to have you posting. I hope you don't disappear.

I am also apt to disappear, drop out of sight, for months at a time. I try hard to stay as a regular here because I both get and give here and it means a lot to me.

I am sorry about the "fullness" of your current experience with depression. It may not seem temporary; yet, it is bound to change.

Your predicament is a tough one to solve; yet, not impossible.

Do you need help obtaining meds? Several members here are very well-informed on some ways to obtain meds w/o coverage, etc. Just ask!

You aren't being as negative as you likely think you are being.

Stick around!

WC

BeyondtheRainbow · Sep 23, 2018, 08:39 PM

I can help if you need med assistance. Don't worry about qualifying, if you need help it is there. Let me know if you want information.

Movingon69 · Sep 24, 2018, 05:41 AM

Don't apologize. That's what we are here for.

In Texas there are community health centers that receive grants and state funds to help people who can't afford treatment and TX is abysmal at providing MH care. Have you looked to see if there is anything similar in your state? Hope you feel better soon.

Blueberrybook · Sep 24, 2018, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Movingon69

Don't apologize. That's what we are here for.

In Texas there are community health centers that receive grants and state funds to help people who can't afford treatment and TX is abysmal at providing MH care. Have you looked to see if there is anything similar in your state? Hope you feel better soon.

This exactly. Though I have to say service will vary county to county...not just in availability but in also the quality of the service itself.

Sep 25, 2018, 04:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brentus

The title is a little misleading -- I can't be getting better when I don't even have my medicines to help even me out. However, despite the fact I've spilled my guts here a few times about my issues, let's just sum it up to this point: I can't afford to see a doctor or my medicines and probably won't for some time longer. I'm working on it, but it's not gonna change too soon.

I'm getting worse, and in a weird way. I'm not hitting new lows, or deeper in depression per se-- it's more like a lateral shift, more symptoms, thoughts and feelings blunted and colored by depression. This isn't the lowest I ever felt, but it's the most extreme I've felt. It's kind of like I'm used to buying just the sandwich at the restaurant, and I've now got the full meal.. if that analogy makes more sense. It's like a whole array of symptoms that I'm not really used to with my depression. But again, it doesn't seem "worse" as in a deeper depression, just a much more entailed one.

I've been wrestling with the idea of maybe going inpatient. I don't know why I waste my time with such thoughts -- even if I could get accepted (Not likely-- I'm not suicidal or a harm to myself or others), what good would it really do? I couldn't afford it anyway. It's ridiculous to think something is really going to change my problems that doesn't involve me just sucking it up and doing it. It's hard for me to even get up in the morning, let alone do anything. I do not have the energy to rebuild my life from scratch after working so damn hard to make that life happen in the first place. It's not worth it, it wasn't the first time-- despite all hope, it's not now. That isn't a suicidal cry, that's simply fact. I have given up because I don't see the use. I'm sorry I'm being so negative lately-- I'll probably dissappear yet again for months at a time (which isn't just online, it's my entire life.. I'm prone to doing it) so don't worry about these threads bombarding all the intellectual and positive reinforcement you all are known for.

Have a great day guys.

I am not getting better either- and I am on meds and in therapy.

I hope that one day the both of us will start to see the light

but I don't hold out much hope.... at least not for me, decline is a lot faster now

downandlonely · Sep 25, 2018, 04:54 AM

I think most drug companies have programs where they will give you the meds for a lower cost if you can prove you don't have enough money. I'm not sure about how you would see a psychiatrist though. If you don't have insurance, it's tough.

As far as alternatives to medication, there are free support groups for people with mental illness you can attend. I attend a Depression and Bipolar support group and find it extremely helpful. There is also the National Institute on Mental Illness. Here are the links: dbsalliance.org and nami.org. You can check and see if there are any support groups near you.

There are also some therapy clinics that provide a sliding scale for people in financial need.

All that said, for me meds are the most important thing (and they may be for you too). Without meds, all the therapy in the world wouldn't help me.

Blueberrybook · Sep 25, 2018, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I think most drug companies have programs where they will give you the meds for a lower cost if you can prove you don't have enough money. I'm not sure about how you would see a psychiatrist though. If you don't have insurance, it's tough.

As far as alternatives to medication, there are free support groups for people with mental illness you can attend. I attend a Depression and Bipolar support group and find it extremely helpful. There is also the National Institute on Mental Illness. Here are the links: dbsalliance.org and nami.org. You can check and see if there are any support groups near you.

There are also some therapy clinics that provide a sliding scale for people in financial need.

All that said, for me meds are the most important thing (and they may be for you too). Without meds, all the therapy in the world wouldn't help me.

The drug companies do. If you see a pdoc, it is not very hard to qualify, though maybe it varies pdoc to pdoc. My old pdoc helped me quite a bit with this when H was unemployed, training to be a teacher, still not hired. I was able to get Abilify that way, Effexor too. Not sure if it has to be before the generic of the drug comes out or not.

Meds are not an instant cure all though. Even on meds, I have a lot of rough times, though thankfully they do help me sleep, something I have struggled with my whole life. And pdocs also have samples to give out for various drugs. Depending upon what they have and how much of it, I have had pdocs give me samples of meds like Cymbalta, enough to last 30 days or cards for a few free prescriptions of a med at pharmacy. I have had a PCP prescribe psych meds, but that was when I was on a pdoc waiting list and no longer qualified for free or sliding scale meds.

And as a previous poster said, see if there is free or generous sliding mental health help in your area. It seems like a PCP should know.

Sep 25, 2018, 01:15 PM

I appreciate everyone's concern and sharing possible solutions. It means a lot. Sadly living in rural Kentucky my options are extremely limited and most have gotten rid of the sliding scale when it comes to payment options. It seems until I get my life together I'm SOL -- but getting my life together is a fight I'm not wanting to fight. I'm not suicidal -- but I've read too many posts about being too triggering for others (and my negativity is enough for some) so I'm gonna put the rest of this is a trigger warning. If you don't want to read it -- so be it. I'll get it all figured out I guess.

Possible trigger:

No one understands it. I'm so tired of the same old rhetoric. "You have so much potential. You've got to fight. It sucks but you can do it." or the opposite, less helpful "How are you any different than anyone else, that's life". Well, let me tell you this. I wasn't happy before my life fell to ****. I had to fight my whole life. For survival, for education, for independence, for my career, etc. It's always been a non ending struggle and I am so tired and I have no want to fight anymore. I lost everything based on my own actions this time and I have no want or energy to rebuild it. I wasn't happen before hand, how is working so hard to TRY to get back the remenants I can going to help? I am not suicidal, but I have pretty much given up. The problem is within me. And to those who want to retort with how are my problems different than anyone else? They're right. they're not. I'm just not strong enough to keep going or find the will to see it being worthwhile. This is "life" but it's not one I'm going to put anymore blood sweat and tears into to live so unhappily. I've been encouraged to work on getting things back together.. which is why I'm trying to get medicaid, and fix this unemployment crap. I've been without meds, insurance, and a job for months now and I've not done anything. I've wallowed in self pity and I don't feel ashamed for it. I'm also damn tired of the world telling me I'm wrong to not want to fight anymore. This is where I am.

Maybe meds will help bring my mood up at least temporarily enough to get things back on track. my track record with meds indicate it'll only help a little while. I don't know what is going to happen with me. I really do feel I'm inbetween any kind of help. I'm beyond the help I have now, but not bad enough to have any more intensive care (not in this area anyway-- the closest psychiatric facility is 2 hours away, and it's not equipped with intensive outpatient and being non-suicidal means non-admittance anyway. Not that I could afford it.). My therapist is still in contact with me and has been gracious enough to work with me, but therapy isn't doing much right now. I don't have support. I don't have anything. I'm dealing with this essentially alone and damn it I'm doing the best I possibly can considering.

So does this mean I'm a piece of crap who is too lazy to put his life together? maybe. I am a coward and stupid? Sure. I'm hurting everyone else? Hard to hurt anyone when you're alone, but I'll accept that one too. You're not going to be able to throw anything at me that will make my feelings disappear. You're not going to be able to coerce me into changing by pitting me against guilt and blame of hurting others. I know I need help-- but I don't think I'm going to find it. This is my desperation talking I guess.

Sorry for the long rant. It doesn't change anything but I just wanted to let it out. This is a sign that I'm coming unhinged you know -- I usually only post relatively interesting or positive things, and anymore all I can do is have these mini meltdowns for others to see.

Again, let me reiterate I am not suicidal or a harm to myself or others -- but I'm far too gone mentally and emotionally to fight on.

Again, thanks for all the help. It is very much appreciated.

Wild Coyote · Sep 25, 2018, 04:24 PM

I have felt very similar when deeply depressed and disillusioned.
I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you will find a light at the end of the tunnel soon.

We are here for you.

WC

wiretwister · Sep 25, 2018, 04:58 PM

I have been a lot futher down the rabbit hole than you are now ... I have made it back some ... I too feel it will never be like it was before and I really believe I have accepted that ... I have no advice for you ... just want to say things can change ... just hang in there ... it may be a wild ride ... but hey where else have you got to go ...
.Tigger..

Victoria'smom · Sep 25, 2018, 05:46 PM

This is how I feel right before I get suicidal. Can you get access to an online therapist? I know that it's not the same but it's something. Hopefully there's a support group in your area. It's okay to give up and surf for awhile. As long as you are not suicidal. Catch your breath. Eventually you'll want to fight a gain and you can then. Don't think so negatively about surfing.

Menu

When you're just not getting better.

My Support Forums