[Wander]

Hi to all,

I cannot recall the last time I posted, or even read anything on this forum. Previously I was very active. My ability to interact is demonstrated by my last journal entry on January 4th 2018 where I described incidents of finding myself frozen, mid-pace, in my flat for over ten minutes at a time. Until two weeks ago I did not journal again. This is after decades of regular journalling. My brain just broke leaving me to fall into an abyss.

All of this year I have been ill in some way to varying degrees. I have had skin cancer, severe Fibromyalgia, a horrible delayed reaction to an antidepressant that was actually working but instead left me vomiting and unable to eat for a month, and of course Bipolar which only worsened thought out the year. Yesterday I was discharged from a psych hospital after being there four weeks. I had 5 sessions of ECT and am scheduled to have weekly maintenance sessions starting next Thursday. I almost took my life several times, hence the long IP stay and ECT. My mood swings from deep depression to hypomania swiftly, sometimes mania then back down again. I am 'normal' for only brief amounts of time. My diagnosis is BP1 with psychotic features, mixed features and rapid cycling.

I guess I am writing this as I find myself in my right mind in need of support. This year has been a blur. I have not been at work since March and am not sure what to expect when I am able to return to work. I am casual so am flexible with hours but of course they have to need me. I have also not been to university this year. I have lost friends. Bipolar is eating me alive but I will not give up. From now I am trying to take my life back.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Welcome back. I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time and I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Victoria'smom]

glad to hear from you. I'm sorry your not doing well.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, wander. Good to hear from you. I'm sorry you'd have such a hard time and hope you'll do better soon.

[Wild Coyote]

Wander!
I have been wondering how you are doing. It's great to have you posting with an update!

I am sorry you have been suffering. I am hoping the ECT treatments will help you.

I hope to see you around.


WC

[Pookyl]

Welcome back 🙂
I too am ‘normal’ for short periods of time. I hope things start looking up for you.

[bizi]

Thank you for posting.
I am glad that you were well enough to leave the hospital after 4 weeks. I too hope the ect treatments have helped and will continue to help.
(((((HUGS))))
You have been thru so much.
bizi

Oh, Wander!!!! I am so very sorry about the terrible time you have been having, but glad to hear from you. I very much hope that things start looking up for you again. Thank you for reaching out to us for support.

[*Laurie*]

Hello, Wander! I had assumed that you were taking a long break.

I am so, so sorry to hear that you've been through such a rough time. That's just plain way too much. Please know that we are here for your support.

[liveforsummer]

I’m sorry for all you are going through. Glad you’re back

[Wander]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support. It means the world to me. I will try to post more often now and even provide support if I can.

Last night I tried not taking Seroquel as I hate being on so many meds and, to be honest, I am vain enough to be worried about weight gain even when I should be more concerned about stability. I got like two hours sleep as I was wired and my mind wouldn't stop racing. It is 7 am so I am going to get into the day and try to do better tonight. Last night I caught up with a good friend and foolishly had a cigarette. Now my throat and chest are very sore. Before I went into hospital I was smoking marijuana all day every day so I guessed I would smoke something to try to combat the urges. Stupid me. Oh well, now I know. It's going to be hard to stay away from non-prescribed drugs.

I still feel so crazed and lost. My brain is set on 'intense'. I have been mixed for some time now. To be honest it is hell. a hell I am desperate to escape. Thankfully my parents have let me stay with them for a bit. In fact it was a condition on my release. My poor 68 year old mother is watching me like a hawk. So worried about my safety. I am lucky to have them. Being alone right now would be dangerous. It was only five days ago that I was actively suicidal but I bounced back and begged for my release. My T and pdoc are being extremely supportive as well. I must be a mess to warrant all this attention. It is hard to gauge just how bad I am from the inside as I swing so much and often have difficulty seeing clearly. Today I think I am a bit wild. I am going to my sisters' house to spend time with her and my four nieces and nephews. After that I should really try to have a nap, or at least do something non-stimulating. When I am high I make social plans. I think I have already made too many for the next week and need to slow down. This is a tightrope.

For those curious my med regime is:
Lithium SR 900mg
Lamotrigine 300mg
Lorazepam 5mg
Seroquel 50-200mg

[Moose72]

Well THERE you are! :-D . Ive wondered too how youve been doing. In fact there is a Christmas carol called "I wonder as I wander". :-p im glad youre doing better. Looking forward to reading your posts.

[Nammu]

Welcome back. Sorry it's been a year of hell for you.

[bizi]

please take your meds as prescribed and take your seroquel to sleep this is making you worse the not sleeping.
sorry if this sounds harsh.
bizi

[BipolaRNurse]

Been wondering about you. I'm glad you're back with us, even though life is beating you up pretty badly this year. I hope you'll post more as you're able...isolating yourself, as you know, isn't good. Let us carry some of the burden for you.

[Sunflower123]

Welcome back. I’m sorry you’ve gone through a rough time. Posting here could be very helpful in getting you through. I find it helps to vent and process things here and there are many supportive people. You probably already know this.

I agree with bizi about your meds. Taking them consistently is important.

Warm wishes.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by bizi

please take your meds as prescribed and take your seroquel to sleep this is making you worse the not sleeping.
sorry if this sounds harsh.
bizi

Not harsh at all. Took Seroquel last night and slept much better. Hopefully today I will feel calmer.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome back