[paintedturtle]

Well, I finally got to see the psychiatrist today. God, was it horrible. I was so hoping they could start some meds today, because I really need some relief. I feel like I going out of my mind. I've been off my medication since the 10th of July. That's when I had my heart surgery and they discovered that the Clozaril (Clozapine) that I had been for almost 14 years, most likely had a lot to do with my heart disease - yeah!! Needless to say, the cardiologist took me off of it immediately, so I haven't been back to the doc to get started some something else,until today, for a couple of reasons. #1: I thought, with my mentally ill brain, that it woulfd be better to wait until I got through the healing process from the surgery and it's aftermath, before I took that on. It would only be a few months and I'd be fine, right?? Yeah, whatever, there I go thinking again without running by someone else who knows me well, and has seen what this thing does to me. #2: When the mania started maybe 3 days post-op, I went into immediate denial. Really, do we do that?? I was telling my friends and family, insisting, that I had all that energy because I felt so much better. I had energy. I could think better. I felt GOOD, for the first time in a long time, and that heart surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had all this time on my hands and I was journaling literally hundreds of pages. On top of that, I was taking on project after project. I was constantly cleaning and organizing, to the best of my ability. I was still healing and my husband kept telling me to slow down. I was taking on too much and I was gonna hurt myself. I filled a notebook up with life goals. I had my fitness goals planned all the way out to 2028 (when I planned on running the Arkansas Marathon, even though, to date, I've never run a day in my life. I was sleeping 2 hours a night if that, and that went on for literally months. But, I wasn't manic. I swear I wasn't. Has anyone else ever been there?? Then the weird stuff started... auditory, some visual and tactile hallucinations, which I blamed on confusion from low blood pressure and anemia, caused by a GI bleed. But, when they fixed the GI issues and I stableized, the weirdness stayed and started to frighten me. Then I told my husband and my 2 closest friends that I thought I was in the middle of a cycle. Their response was really?? You think so?? Then they explained that they'd known it all along, but they new I'd be impossible to convince me until I realized it myself, so they'd just been keeping an eye on me for signs of alie threatening crisis, because they've seen me there too many times to count. So, I called to make an appointment and he clinic couldn't get me in for a month and basically told me to 'hang in there. (God, this is getting long, I'm sorry.) A little over a week ago, I had a total meltdown in my cardiologists office, because I was in, what I call, the crash period of the cycle and I couldn't stop crying, and when I had the that the we all would have been better off if I''d just died, I got scared. So my cardiologist called and tried to get my appointment moved up, but they couldn't do it. So they prescribed a low dose of clonopin, 3 times a day and, once again told me to "hang in there. I'd get some relief soon". So that's the back ground. Sorry it was so long, but I felt you needed to know that, to understand what happened today , and why i'm such a wreck. I go in there today, optomistic that they are going to be able to give me something today and I could start getting my life and my sanity back. WRONG!! Because of my numerous medications and health issues, apparently it's not that easy to find a treatment that is safe for me. So the doctor, the nurse, the pharmacist and the medical director are going to have to have a "pow-wow" to figure out what (if anything - that scares the hell out pf me) they can give that will be effective and safe. Can you say crushing disappointment?? When she told me that she didn't even know if there was a medication therapy that would be appropriate and safe for me, I lost it!! I asked her what the hell I was supposed to do if that happened and told her, point blank that If I go un-medicated, this mentally illness will kill me, literally. Anyone been there, too?? I know I'm not the only one that's that severely affected. It completely tears my life apart and the lives of everyone who loves me. I can't bare it. It scares me. It scares me to the point that I've been physically sick ever since I got home. Anyway, the medical director of the clinic is out of town until Monday, o it will atleast that long before they ca even discuss it. So she gave me a prescription for more clonopin (yeah). No really, I hate it. On the one had, it has calmed down a little bit of the crazy, but on the other hand, I'm a recovering addict. I've been clean for 18 years, and benzos were one of my drugs of choice. I hate the idea of taking them, but i'm doing it anyway. I mean, what else can I do?? I just have to remember everyday to take them as prescribed - interesting concept, huh?? Fortunately, after 18 years, it's a lot easier to do that. And, to top things off, there seems to have been absolutely no "rest period between episodes this time. I swear, that's never happened before. There's always been atleast a few days of "normal" before the storm hits again. But, I noticed today that the mania is climbing again. I got up at approximately 3:00am this morning. It's 12:30am and I'm not even remotely tired. My husband is a sleep, so there's only so much I can do to occupy my time, without disturbing him. So, I'm feeling manic, but I'm also crying non-stop. Maybe, if I'm really lucky, it'll be a mixed episode and I can have the best of both worlds. I do so love that!! (Sometimes, when you feel like your at the end of your rope, sarcasm is all you have, you know??) Anyway, I could go on forever, I think I already have, so I'm gonna let you guys off the hook, and hope like hell some of you read this, because I seriously need some input and insight from people who REALLY understand. Sorry it's an epic novel. Thanks. Looking forward to your take on the whole situation. I hope it makes atleast a little bit of sense and doesn't sound like a dis-jointed manic rant.

[Pookyl]

Unfortunately I’m not in a position to really articulate what’s in my head at the moment.
I feel for you. It must be awful.
I did want to say that if your doctors are saying people with cardiac conditions can’t be prescribed effective psych meds then that’s rubbish.
It’s almost worth the effort of finding a more competent pdoc.

[Wild Coyote]

I am very sorry for all you have been through.

For awhile, my former pdoc could not identify meds I could take with my medical issues and my other meds. When that happens, it's both very frustrating and frightening. In time, that pdoc had retired. My new pdoc is more resourceful and does find meds I can try, although I cannot try them all.

I think it's a good idea for your providers to communicate and help to identify the meds you can safely take. In the meantime, it's tough on you.

As for klonopin concerns, you might ask your pdoc about an alternative. Although she may not yet know what else to prescribe.

Do you have skills (like CBT and/or DBT) to help you to cope?
Can you distract yourself with interests/activities?

We are here to lend support. Keep on reaching out. Your treatment team will be meeting soon.

Please stay safe.


WC

[paintedturtle]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am very sorry for all you have been through.

For awhile, my former pdoc could not identify meds I could take with my medical issues and my other meds. When that happens, it's both very frustrating and frightening. In time, that pdoc had retired. My new pdoc is more resourceful and does find meds I can try, although I cannot try them all.

I think it's a good idea for your providers to communicate and help to identify the meds you can safely take. In the meantime, it's tough on you.

As for klonopin concerns, you might ask your pdoc about an alternative. Although she may not yet know what else to prescribe.

Do you have skills (like CBT and/or DBT) to help you to cope?
Can you distract yourself with interests/activities?

We are here to lend support. Keep on reaching out. Your treatment team will be meeting soon.

Please stay safe.


WC

I love music, so I've been using that at aroma therapy to try to relax. I have one of those things that melts scented wax. It works and is actually very effective. I also thought about getting, of all things, a coloring book...used to love it when I was a kid. I'm sorry, I don't know he terms CBT or DBT. What is that?? Thanks. BTW, am I aloud to sign these things with my real first name??

[paintedturtle]

[QUOTE=Wild Coyote;6321956]I am very sorry for all you have been through.

For awhile, my former pdoc could not identify meds I could take with my medical issues and my other meds. When that happens, it's both very frustrating and frightening. In time, that pdoc had retired. My new pdoc is more resourceful and does find meds I can try, although I cannot try them all.

I think it's a good idea for your providers to communicate and help to identify the meds you can safely take. In the meantime, it's tough on you.

As for klonopin concerns, you might ask your pdoc about an alternative. Although she may not yet know what else to prescribe.

Do you have skills (like CBT and/or DBT) to help you to cope?
Can you distract yourself with interests/activities?

We are here to lend support. Keep on reaching out. Your treatment team will be meeting soon.

Please stay safe.


WC[/QUOTE

As fr as an alternative to the klonopin, she said it was the only thing she felt was safe until they ca review everything. It is a low dose. It just bothers me because I really value my recovery. I'll be okay. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like. And, as miserable, and frustrated and scared as I felt, I am grateful that I have a good medical team (all of them) that communicated with each other and I know they have my safety, health and best interest at heart. It was just heart breaking and hard to swallow. I'm sure you've experienced that. Thanks for responding. As soon as someone tells me it's okay to use y real first name. I'll introduce myself. I could use some friends that have had and continue to have the same issues and experiences that I have.

[paintedturtle]

Okay guys, I'm still having a little trouble figuring out this web-site. I'm almost 50 and I tend to be technologically challenged. So I tried to post replies to you messages and I wrote what I meant to write, but I replied to the wrong posts. Maybe my brain's notworking so well right now. It needs sleep, but my body won't let it or something. Thanks for your responses. I did read them and I got a lot out of them.

[Wild Coyote]

You may sign with your real name if you like. Some members use their real first name as their screen name, as well. It's all about how you are most comfortable.

I love music, too. Coloring is also fun and helps to stimulate both sides of the brain. Glad to hear aromatherapy is helpful to you.

CBT is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

Both of these approaches teach coping skills which can help us to manage our illness all of the time. These skills are especially helpful when we experience exacerbations and/or are awaiting treatment. Some therapists teach these skills. Do you have a therapist? If not, is a therapist an option for you?

I hope your team gets back to you as soon as possible.

Please keep reaching out. We will do our best to support you.
Stay safe.

WC

[paintedturtle]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

You may sign with your real name if you like. Some members use their real first name as their screen name, as well. It's all about how you are most comfortable.

I love music, too. Coloring is also fun and helps to stimulate both sides of the brain. Glad to hear aromatherapy is helpful to you.

CBT is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

Both of these approaches teach coping skills which can help us to manage our illness all of the time. These skills are especially helpful when we experience exacerbations and/or are awaiting treatment. Some therapists teach these skills. Do you have a therapist? If not, is a therapist an option for you?

I hope your team gets back to you as soon as possible.

Please keep reaching out. We will do our best to support you.
Stay safe.

WC

My pdoc is working on a referal to a therapist now. The only pr oblem with the facility I go to is that it's a state funded community mental health center and right now they are short handed and have way too any cinents to handle. Even if she finds me someone to see, I don't know how soon I can get in or how often I will be able to go. I'm thinking a bout getting a referal from my PCP to a private psychiatrist somewhere. I just have to find some who will accept medicare. BTW...my name is Mary. Painted Turtle is my "indian" name. My mother's people are native american (American Osage - my ancestors walked the Trail of Tears (i you know what that is.Turtle is what I identify as my spirit animal/guide. I've read all about it in books my mother gave me so I could learn about their "religious" and spiritual belidfs and practices. Anyway, you can refer tome as either. I answer to both. Look at me... there I go again. I get so log winded when I am "reved-up. I only hope it's as coherant as I I think it is. Hope to here from you soon. I couldreally afford to make some friends that truly understand mental illness. I have really great friends here that love me dearly and they helped me through the "sickness" many times. They know what it does to me, but they don't know what it's like. I hope you have a good day. Tanks bunches Mary / PaintedTurtle

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Mary,

Pleased to have you with us!

Please feel free to write as much as you find helpful.


WC

[yodakitty5]

Hey,

I understand what you said you've gone through. I'm sorry about your heart issues. I know some stupid psych pills can seriously be mean. Lamictal is good for bipolar. I've been on it four years.

I know manic is crazy. I went all crazy and organized too. I think you might want to meditate if you get manic. It slows me down. There are a ton of guided meditations on YouTube.

I really hope things get better and if you need help I'm here.

Best of luck hun!

[Nola0250]

I could never meditate when manic/mixed. Couldn’t read, couldn’t watch TV but I could knit. Do you knit at all? It’s a harmless activity that might take some of your manic hyperfocusing and it’s quiet so you can do it while your husband sleeps.

[Victoria'smom]

If they can't find meds for you and you're mixed the hospital maybe an answer if it gets bad. They should be willing/able to find something.

[*Laurie*]

Hi, I'm so glad you're here and reaching out for help.

I want to let you know that you will probably get more replies if you break your OP into paragraphs. Speaking for myself, I simply cannot read a long post that isn't in paragraphs. It's too hard on my eyes, and it's also overwhelming.

[paintedturtle]

Originally Posted by yodakitty5

Hey,

I understand what you said you've gone through. I'm sorry about your heart issues. I know some stupid psych pills can seriously be mean. Lamictal is good for bipolar. I've been on it four years.

I know manic is crazy. I went all crazy and organized too. I think you might want to meditate if you get manic. It slows me down. There are a ton of guided meditations on YouTube.

I really hope things get better and if you need help I'm here.

Best of luck hun!

Thank you. I like to rlax and "meditate to music. I absolutely love Enigma. Have you ever heard them?? I also do better when I make it smell nice in my space, so I use a wax melter to melt scented waxes. Sometimes that help to "turn it down". But like I said in my post from today, a very much needed sense of calm has come over me and I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts, and hopefully by next week, they will figure out what meds will be okay for me. Thank you for being the kind of person who would care and reach out to a total stranger. You may not realize it, but that's rare. Take care of yu. - Mary / PaintedTurtle

[liveforsummer]

Hi Mary I hope the calmness stays with you until your meds can be sorted out.

[paintedturtle]

Originally Posted by Nola0250

I could never meditate when manic/mixed. Couldn’t read, couldn’t watch TV but I could knit. Do you knit at all? It’s a harmless activity that might take some of your manic hyperfocusing and it’s quiet so you can do it while your husband sleeps.

it's funny you shold mention that, because i have crocheting a blanket for my son. it distracts me and keeps my hands busy. unfortunately with the diabetic neuropothy in my hands, i have to stop after a while because it gets painful. thanks for responding. if i can do anything for you, let me know. - mary / PaintedTurtle

[still_crazy]

hi. :-) you sound fascinating.

psychiatry is kinda lame because they don't really -do- science, if you've noticed. and opinions vary, wildly, they sometimes straight up lie, and...blah.

at the end of the day, even the most sophisticated "antipsychotic" is just a tranquilizer. you might be better off, in terms of safety, with a benzodiazepine (ativan, valium, klonopin, etc.) than the Dopamine-blocking neuroleptics. i mean...they do cause addiction and such, but they're safer, physically...

and they're still used in psychosis, agitation, mania, etc.

i am prescribed Abilify at a moderate dose. its OK. I think Abilify and some of the drugs in its class are supposedly safer for heart health than some other options, but i could very well be wrong.

maybe this is a blessing in disguise? non-drug, even...drug, but non-neuroleptic/antipsychotic ways of dealing with what ails you might be the best thing, ever. ive only recently gotten to the point where my overall psych drug intake is low and my tranq dose is reasonable(ish)...

part my own immaturity, part just the way shrinks "do things," I guess.

i hope this helps, a bit (?). Have ever read Barbara Kingsolver novels?

[paintedturtle]

Originally Posted by yodakitty5

Hey,

I understand what you said you've gone through. I'm sorry about your heart issues. I know some stupid psych pills can seriously be mean. Lamictal is good for bipolar. I've been on it four years.

I know manic is crazy. I went all crazy and organized too. I think you might want to meditate if you get manic. It slows me down. There are a ton of guided meditations on YouTube.

I really hope things get better and if you need help I'm here.

Best of luck hun!

I learned about meditation through NA (a 12-step fellowship) I am a recovering addict. I've been clean for a little over 18 years. Prayer and meditation are part of the steps we work. We pray to ask for guidance and we meditate to quiet our minds so we can listen for "God's answers". It's just been hard lately, because how do you quiet the mnic mind, you know?? So,I have turned to music and aroma therapy in an attempt to relax. I really love Enigma (if you'e never heard them, try it, it's very soothing). It works some. It's just that right now, I spend a lot of my time alone in the bedroom with the doors closed and the music turned up.. I have a family - a wonderful husband and an 11 year old son who is autistist and likes to have mmmy's attention a lot. I get irritated so easil right now that I feel like I can't deal with him right now. That makes m feel lousy - guilty. What kind of mother thinks like that?? And I love hom so much. He's the only person on the planet that i KNOW I would gladly die for. Have you ever felt that way about anyone?? Anyway, I've talked long enough. Thanks for your response. This web-site has been a miricle for me. I'm hoping that once I get past this,I can stick around and help others the way you guys are helping me. Nothing would make me happier. - Mary / PaintedTurtle

[paintedturtle]

Originally Posted by still_crazy

hi. :-) you sound fascinating.

psychiatry is kinda lame because they don't really -do- science, if you've noticed. and opinions vary, wildly, they sometimes straight up lie, and...blah.

at the end of the day, even the most sophisticated "antipsychotic" is just a tranquilizer. you might be better off, in terms of safety, with a benzodiazepine (ativan, valium, klonopin, etc.) than the Dopamine-blocking neuroleptics. i mean...they do cause addiction and such, but they're safer, physically...

and they're still used in psychosis, agitation, mania, etc.

i am prescribed Abilify at a moderate dose. its OK. I think Abilify and some of the drugs in its class are supposedly safer for heart health than some other options, but i could very well be wrong.

maybe this is a blessing in disguise? non-drug, even...drug, but non-neuroleptic/antipsychotic ways of dealing with what ails you might be the best thing, ever. ive only recently gotten to the point where my overall psych drug intake is low and my tranq dose is reasonable(ish)...

part my own immaturity, part just the way shrinks "do things," I guess.

i hope this helps, a bit (?). Have ever read Barbara Kingsolver novels?

I am on a low dose of Clonopin, 3 ties a day right now and it did tone down the psychosis, but I don't like taking it because I am a recovering addict. I've been clean for a little over 18 years and benzos were one of my drugs of choice and it's honestly too familiar. I know they'll find something that will work. I pray that they will. I know I can't survive this mental illness without something to help me control, even though I;ve dreamed and fantacized bout living drug free for years. I had convinced mysef that the bi-polar would get better or maybe even resolve it's. I know now that it won't. It continues to progress as I get older and and the episode have gotten more and more insane and unbearable over the years. So, even though psychiatrists can sometimes drive me crazy and piss me off, I have to trust them. After all, they are the ones with the degree on the wall, not me. Thank you for responding. I've talked long enough. T adore this web-ste. You guys have been a life saver /, literally, I hope that once I get to a better place,I can stick aorund and help others. Nothing would make me happier than to give back what has been so freely given to me. - Mary /PaintedTurtle