[251turnaround]

Day started off okay. Dissociated as heck but okay. Then the energy came back. I'm back up. I'm so up in fact that I want to go IP. Everyone is screaming at me to do it but I'm too anxious after last time.

I'm still having psychotic symptoms and nothing feels real. I need to go in. I can't do this. I don't know what to do, my therapist doesn't think I need it. She thought I was stable when I saw her but my energy spiked back up after I got home. This has to be a dream. It feels like one. Is this real?

Also, I'm writing this after taking a Klonopin. It has done nothing for me. I am losing it. My mom says to just "wait it out". I'm 24, I can do this myself but my anxiety is making it IMPOSSIBLE to get help on my own. I'm losing friends because I won't help myself. I'm such a mess. What do I do? I'm so lost.

Originally Posted by 251turnaround

Day started off okay. Dissociated as heck but okay. Then the energy came back. I'm back up. I'm so up in fact that I want to go IP. Everyone is screaming at me to do it but I'm too anxious after last time.

I'm still having psychotic symptoms and nothing feels real. I need to go in. I can't do this. I don't know what to do, my therapist doesn't think I need it. She thought I was stable when I saw her but my energy spiked back up after I got home. This has to be a dream. It feels like one. Is this real?

Also, I'm writing this after taking a Klonopin. It has done nothing for me. I am losing it. My mom says to just "wait it out". I'm 24, I can do this myself but my anxiety is making it IMPOSSIBLE to get help on my own. I'm losing friends because I won't help myself. I'm such a mess. What do I do? I'm so lost.

I hope the Klonopin and some time will provide some level of grounding for you, 251turnaround. I'm sorry you've been struggling. "Waiting it out" is sometimes worth it, but if your situation becomes too painful, please do consider the inpatient rather than anything dangerous. We all have our limits. In the meantime, if you can at all distract yourself with something positive (or usually positive), give it a try. Music, reading, TV, playing with a pet, showering, playing a game, taking a walk with someone and trying your best to practice mindfulness.

Though last night I did get to sleep at a reasonable time, the three nights before I just couldn't. The first of those nights I felt great. It was nice having hubby home for the long holiday weekend. But yesterday the great feeling started to waver. Having to do some heavy tasks in the fairly early morning was too much for me. I had one of my old "roaring tantrums", but then it eased. Hubby and I went somewhere I had wanted to go the day before, but was disappointed about when I found the desired destination closed. But yesterday we found an open place, and then followed it with a pleasant lunch and evening.

To this day, I have yet to find a good equivalent to the Czech word "fnuk" (pronounced like "finyook", rhyming with "look" or "took"). The term "fnuk" describes a state that is not really depressed, but just very dissatisfied/disappointed with low motivation and negative feelings. Kinda like "This sucks!" feeling. That's how I feel today. When I feel like this, I'm vulnerable to doing myself more harm than good in the state, like overeating junk food, not practicing self-care, lying in bed, drinking more than usual, etc. So far, I've done all of the above. I've got to stop it!

I haven't been happy with my fairly new therapist. Instead of looking elsewhere, I recently cut down my sessions with her from every week to every other week. However, today I did call a place. Of course, like many other things I try for steps forward, they don't come to fruition. No call back. No one contacted me about two volunteer options I was interested in either. Nothing! I was getting excited about studying French. I do plan for that to happen, but at this moment I have no desire to start.

There is just so little (basically nothing) for adults on disability to do to meet people during the daytime that doesn't require money. Every event or gathering during the daytime at the library is for kids. Every support group for adults is at night. There are some volunteer opportunities during the daytime, but they are absolutely not ones I can do or handle. I know that most things for adults are at night because MOST adults CAN work. Any kind of mental health support during the day requires money, other than online forums like these. I love this forum, and really like everyone here, but I yearn for face-to-face interactions. I could drive to see my dad, but that's kind of stressful in and of itself. Everyone is at work.

I feel hopeless.

Possible trigger:

three feet from my SH instrument and thinking of using it. I dont want to live anymore.

I don't think anyone can help me so I'm trying to look good enough to stop IOP and ECT. I'm fooling them pretty well. I'm having paranoid thoughts about ECT too. I'm hopeless about the future regarding jobs and such. What's the point of life if I'm just going to live alone doing nothing?

[liveforsummer]

To all that are struggling today, yesterday, tomorrow...stay safe.

Hugs to everyone.

[pirilin]

As many of you know. I play poker.
In the net for fun. At the casinos, for $.

At the site I play, it's easy to have millions of chips, if you know what you're doing.
And Lady Luck is on your side.
Short and sweet. I had 148M. Some earned, some bought.

I checked my chips yesterday, and I happen to have 1 billion, 148 millions.
Where the billion came from, I don't know.
They don't allow transfer of chips anymore. Most be a computer error.

But I know one thing, when you're hot, you're hot.

Everything is working in my favor for now.
I hope is forever. Even if forever is a long time.

Meantime, I'll play at the 15M table until they find out.
Who knows. Maybe I can duplicate that billion, hahaha.

Good luck.

Cheers.

[MissDenim]

Today was another lazy day. I end up having a lot of them because I am on disability and I don't get out much, although I am working on that. I am planning on getting a volunteer job once I get these migraines under control. Getting a volunteer job to get myself out of the house is one of my goals for this year. At least I am finally running my dishwasher. I'm catching up on my shows as well, so today is not that bad of a day.

I hope everyone is well and hugs to everyone that needs it.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by spikes

I feel hopeless.

Possible trigger:

three feet from my SH instrument and thinking of using it. I dont want to live anymore.

I don't think anyone can help me so I'm trying to look good enough to stop IOP and ECT. I'm fooling them pretty well. I'm having paranoid thoughts about ECT too. I'm hopeless about the future regarding jobs and such. What's the point of life if I'm just going to live alone doing nothing?

So sorry you are experiencing such deep despair. You may not feel like life is worth living in its current state but one thing about life is that circumstances change, and often for the good. Maybe when you are feeling better you can begin to make changes that need to a more fulfilling life. I used to be almost completely alone with no work, study, hobbies or friends. It was depressing on its own without adding in Bipolar. Slowly things have changed for the better. I am still lonely a lot, but have a few friends now. I sometimes manage to work a bit and study. My future is more hopeful and at least feels that way when I am well.

Sorry if this comes across bad. I am just trying to give you hope. Please hang in there. You may be surprised just how thankful you will be later that you did. Talk to your treatment team honestly. The illness is talking to you right now. Maybe they can change that with the right treatment.

[Wander]

Gosh. I woke up in a huge amount of pain all over my body. Fibromyalgia. I must have been overdoing it in my enthusiasm to exercise and clean my flat while I felt up to it. Oh well. Now I have been up for over an hour the pain is easing a bit and I am hoping not to take pain meds. My poor body takes too many meds as it is.

Today I see my T. I am really looking forward to it as I have so much to update him with, and am really curious for his feedback. Today is my fourth day stable! 11 days ago I was paranoid and obsessive, and wildly hypomanic. It then began to ease until I was stable on Sunday (it is Wednesday here). I believed I didn't have Bipolar and my doctor and T had it all wrong and were conspiring against me to make me think I was extremely ill and would never recover. I thought I could simply be completely well by the power of my thoughts. Weird hey? At least my mind is clearer now but I am still confused.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

It went well. She helped me realise that the major contributing factor to my downturn last week was inconsistent med compliance due to changes in our house. So I got all my meds back in the med box I was using before and will be more conscientious about taking everything I should. (There's more to it, but I don't want to go into it here.)

We also talked about an academic article I found discussing BPII.

Glad it went well

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by spikes

I feel hopeless.

Possible trigger:

three feet from my SH instrument and thinking of using it. I dont want to live anymore.

I don't think anyone can help me so I'm trying to look good enough to stop IOP and ECT. I'm fooling them pretty well. I'm having paranoid thoughts about ECT too. I'm hopeless about the future regarding jobs and such. What's the point of life if I'm just going to live alone doing nothing?

Please don’t SH , I know for a fact things can go to far and leads to a horrible outcome.

Why act as if your okay when your in such pain ? Hope you change your mind and I feel it would be best for you go IP.

Give yourself a chance to feel better.

Please stay safe

[wildflowerchild25]

Had a very bizarre, very realistic dream last night. In it my husband was still alive but had been missing for a long time. He finally shows back up and says that I have a substance abuse problem and I need to go to rehab. His mom gets in on it too. They go so far as to drive me to rehab, where I refuse to get out of the car because I know I don’t have a substance abuse problem. The rehab workers keep trying to convince me saying that I’m in denial. Finally I call my mom and I say that I’ll admit I have a mental illness but that is all and I will go to my preferred hospital for IP but I will NOT go to rehab. Somewhere in there I screamed at my husband that he missed his chance and I’m in love with another man now. Then I woke up. Very bizarre. But not disturbing.

I had a really hard time dragging my *** out of bed this morning. It was so cold and dark. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I hate winter. I have a countdown to spring on my phone. I have committed to going to work every day for one month unless I am actually physically sick. I don’t want to get into trouble for missing too much work. Plus I don’t want to burn up my sick days because my luck would be I use them all for dumb **** and then get the flu or some **** and then I’m SOL.

I just can’t wait until it’s warm again. I hate the cold so so so much. And the dark. Although it’s slowly getting lighter out which is making me happy.

Other than that I’m still stable so I’m thankful for that.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm here. So-so. See the pdoc on Thursday.

[Wild Coyote]

Trying to catch up with reading here.

Still having a very rough time. It's going to be rough for quite awhile. I am struggling, trying to make it through.

Love to All!

WC

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Ack! Body donation failed. No place could take him for various reasons.

When this started I wanted to donate his body and both siblings were highly opposed. Now I want to cremate him and am willing to pay myself and my sister is highly opposed and wants to let him go to an unclaimed grave, something that is hard to find out information on. I'm so not comfortable with that and neither is my brother. But I can't just facetime both because they don't talk. So I'm now defending my position when my only real answer is "it feels wrong and it is important to me to not live with guilt about any of this". Which doesn't seem to be what my sister wants to hear.

I don't know why she is being so demanding about this. It's my money. I know she feels like I started making all the decisions but that was because I thought we were on the same page. If she changed her mind I'm not a mind reader. I assumed that when the body donation options ran that this left cremation since last I knew nobody wanted to go the unclaimed body route. I hadn't talked to her for a few days which I thought was good, that she was feeling better and not needing my support so much. Instead I was making assumptions and that's bad.

I'm scared to see my father tomorrow. I know he'll look bad as people in comas tend to do. I know he won't look like I remember from 20 years ago. I just don't want every bad memory from all my childhood to come back. I want to go, say my few words, talk to the social worker and leave. It's going to be an incredibly long day; I leave the motel at 9:45 to get my brother and get home about 11. I may wind up staying at a motel again if I'm too tired. I'm not anxious to spend more money (tonight's hotel is FANCY and I paid for it but needed to be in this part of town; yesterday's oil change cost $300 thanks to needing a new battery and 2 air filters) but whatever has to happen to be safe.

I wish it were tomorrow night now.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Ack! Body donation failed. No place could take him for various reasons.

When this started I wanted to donate his body and both siblings were highly opposed. Now I want to cremate him and am willing to pay myself and my sister is highly opposed and wants to let him go to an unclaimed grave, something that is hard to find out information on. I'm so not comfortable with that and neither is my brother. But I can't just facetime both because they don't talk. So I'm now defending my position when my only real answer is "it feels wrong and it is important to me to not live with guilt about any of this". Which doesn't seem to be what my sister wants to hear.

I don't know why she is being so demanding about this. It's my money. I know she feels like I started making all the decisions but that was because I thought we were on the same page. If she changed her mind I'm not a mind reader. I assumed that when the body donation options ran that this left cremation since last I knew nobody wanted to go the unclaimed body route. I hadn't talked to her for a few days which I thought was good, that she was feeling better and not needing my support so much. Instead I was making assumptions and that's bad.

I'm scared to see my father tomorrow. I know he'll look bad as people in comas tend to do. I know he won't look like I remember from 20 years ago. I just don't want every bad memory from all my childhood to come back. I want to go, say my few words, talk to the social worker and leave. It's going to be an incredibly long day; I leave the motel at 9:45 to get my brother and get home about 11. I may wind up staying at a motel again if I'm too tired. I'm not anxious to spend more money (tonight's hotel is FANCY and I paid for it but needed to be in this part of town; yesterday's oil change cost $300 thanks to needing a new battery and 2 air filters) but whatever has to happen to be safe.

I wish it were tomorrow night now.

Seems like there's no easy answers, I'm so sorry for everything you're going though.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm sorry I keep repeating myself. I am not sure how to cope with all this and I don't have enough people to talk to who don't have their own agendas.

I did at least get approval for more gabapentin from my pdoc. I need that so I'm glad to have it.

Time is moving so slowly.

[Nammu]

Post away, what you're dealing with is hard.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Trying to catch up with reading here.

Still having a very rough time. It's going to be rough for quite awhile. I am struggling, trying to make it through.

Love to All!

WC

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. My words seem so meaningless in trying to help you feel even a tiny bit better. I am here for you anytime dear friend and I believe you will make it through this. You are very strong. Sending love, prayers and big hugs.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone; I hope everyone had a great Tuesday; my day was pretty okay. I had to go before the Chief Financial Officer and ask for a for a larger budget for the clinic revamp and shockingly he liked what I had prepared and gave me a larger budget; so now I don't have to worry and everyone can have everything the want on their wish list; and with the tables we plan on getting it will totally eliminate the risk of fall and strain on the LPN/CMA staff. The CEO said he has noticed a difference since I was hired. He told me to keep up my good work.

Boss and I also had interviews to get through today since we did lose a few staff members so they have to be replaced which means interviews. I honestly like doing interviews. I am honestly really glad to have my office back and be able to have all of my desk space.

I seem to be doing really well on the new dose of Seroquel XR; I honestly don't notice any difference which the psych had hoped. I no longer have that somewhat morning tired feeling. I also seem to be doing pretty good with the new dose of heart medication; the Verapmil. My heart rate actually hit 95 last night during my sleep; I mean that is still rather high given the activity I was doing but hey that's in the normal range for once. R also checked it during lunch with a pulse ox and it was 97; I mean not exactly the best numbers; but considering I'm usually well above 100 I will gladly take upper 90's for a change.

I texted the Cardiologist and he called to verify that those numbers didn't have a 1 in front of them. I am ecstatic seeing those numbers and I haven't had a palpitation since the medication switch so maybe two pills were just to much for me? I have no idea; all that I know is my blood pressure is in the perfectly normal range and my heart rate is slightly out of the 100 range; I'm due to have my metabolic numbers checked my next visit; it will be nice to see if I'm making a difference. Although my Cardio is the only one who thinks I have Metabolic Syndrome my primary and psych do not see it.

I went to the gym for more float yoga which I so much fun: I will be sad when this class ends; I'm really enjoying myself and it's really fun; I feel myself feeling better and healthier with each class.

My last semester of school also started today; I just got to make it till May and I will officially have my degree and be one step closer to the Master's Program in the fall.

Hugs to everyone

[Wander]

Update: Spoke with my T today. He seems worried I am delusional. I think. I’m confused as I thought my mind was clearing up. He did say it seems to be easing as I was able to be open with him that he and the medical professionals are conspiring against me. I’m so confused. I have opposing thoughts at the same time. Also, I thought I was stablebut apparently I am hypomanic. It sorta makes sense. I almost drove drunk to have sex but was stopped. My mind runs tangentially, but to me this seems stable compared to where I’ve been. I’m really happy. Just confused. If I could stop overthinking I would just let this crap go and get on with my life.

[wildflowerchild25]

Wouldn’t you know, karma came for me just like I said it would. My son is sick today and I have to stay home lol. Missing yet another day of work. Hope I won’t get in trouble. I’m gonna get a note from his dr today so I can prove that’s where I was.

[Guiness187055]

My agoraphobia is getting out of control. I had to cancel a GP appointment because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. I can leave with some one else just not by myself weird huh?

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

My agoraphobia is getting out of control. I had to cancel a GP appointment because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. I can leave with some one else just not by myself weird huh?

That's not weird, Guiness. I went through a period of agoraphobia and found it a bit easier to go out with my husband than by myself. Though even with my husband I sometimes had to leave places, or at least sit in the car waiting for him (i.e. at a grocery store).

My agoraphobia did eventually pass. CBT therapy helped and/or just something seemed to change that made a difference. I hope your agoraphobia eases soon, too.

I'm still in a low mood, and this morning also have a headache. The triggers for this have been fairly small, though. I think my monthly period is mostly to blame. I'm hoping that when that passes my mood will improve.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm now drinking cola instead of mtn dew because I can get 3 2-litters instead of 1 mtn dew. I figure that I can slowly work my way to water because I hate cola. I don't have the tar like black painful mess in my lungs anymore but I still feel like I can't catch my breath. I'm seeing things move out of the corner of my eyes.