[Nammu]

Got two nights good sleep then last night was back to weird dreams and waking up every few hours. But it's a nice day. Sunny and the new snow is very white and sparklyness itself, makes the day ok. Was able to go out today and get my chai. Swung by the library and picked up a bunch of books for mum. She gets paranoid about leaving the house during winter time, so positive she's gonna get pneumonia. So I do the best I can pick up stuff she likes. For the most part I do alright. Her doctor said no more sweet stuff so I stopped buying the sweetbreads and cookies so now she's in the kitchen baking lemon coconut cookies cause there's nothing to eat!

[Wander]

Morning update. Been thinking more about my T appointment yesterday. There was a lot I didn’t tell him for fear of hospitalisation, and that he is in on the conspiracy to med me for life even though it doesn’t help me at all. The whole psychiatric this seems like a big sham. At least for me. I want off my meds and to use the power of my mind to heal this imbalance. So fed up. If I don’t recover this year I WILL die. I’m sure of that.

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by Wander

Morning update. Been thinking more about my T appointment yesterday. There was a lot I didn’t tell him for fear of hospitalisation, and that he is in on the conspiracy to med me for life even though it doesn’t help me at all. The whole psychiatric this seems like a big sham. At least for me. I want off my meds and to use the power of my mind to heal this imbalance. So fed up. If I don’t recover this year I WILL die. I’m sure of that.

When we go off our meds even if we feel they are not working. It generally doesn't end well for us. Being honest with T's and Pdoc's is the only chance we have to get better. It's the only way that we can find the right med combo and to get things off of our chests. Just my two cents.

[Blueberrybook]

See pdoc tomorrow morning. First in person appointment with him since Nov. I have had 3 phone appointments, and then he has to see you in person again. A bit anxious as I am afraid I might be a little hypomanic, and I cannot go on more Seroquel.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

When we go off our meds even if we feel they are not working. It generally doesn't end well for us. Being honest with T's and Pdoc's is the only chance we have to get better. It's the only way that we can find the right med combo and to get things off of our chests. Just my two cents.

Going on my last post it seems I was kind of honest but his silence scared me. Like he knows I’m onto him. I don’t know what to do. I urgently must find something that works. My life is in danger.

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by Wander

Going on my last post it seems I was kind of honest but his silence scared me. Like he knows I’m onto him. I don’t know what to do. I urgently must find something that works. My life is in danger.

Have you thought about going IP to do a med overhaul?

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

Have you thought about going IP to do a med overhaul?

Just got out 2.5 months ago. University starts in a month. I have to fix this on my own.

[Blue_Bird]

Spring semester started yesterday. I'm doing well, having a lot of anxiety tonight though. Not sure why. I guess I feel kind of overwhelmed. I also feel ashamed because I don't have a job and am 24. I'm on SSI have never really worked, as of yet since being diagnosed with Bipolar @18 then Schizoafffective/Bipolar at 19 years old.. I do hope to someday though which is why I'm in college. I'm almost halfway done with my associates, it's taken me a long time because of having to take breaks and only going part time. At the moment I'm taking 3 classes.

What upset me is that one of the professors asked who was working full or part time along with going to college and most of the class raised their hands. There were some who didn't but... I feel like everyone my age either has a family or a job/career and I feel like I'm a lazy person because I can't handle working yet. I don't feel that way about others who are unable to work but I feel ashamed of myself. Like, will I ever be able to handle a job? I have a hard time even handling school part time. I can manage that, and I hope to get on ticket to work eventually. I try to volunteer different places sometimes when I can.

I had a really bad dream last night about it and of me

Possible trigger:

killing myself

and woke up because I was crying in my sleep. I didn't realize it bothered me that much till now I guess.

[~Christina]

So my husband made reservations for a hotel in Savannah GA in April as a huge surprise for me as I’m tired of just going to see the kids. A couple weeks ago.

They took out the money today !!!!!!! Most do payment day of check in, not this place. So our bank account is dripping in red.

Our bank is an hour away I’m going to deposit money after my Pdoc appt tomorrow.

This has screwed everything up. We still have some things set up to pull out end of the month so we have to figure out just what needs to go in.

Living on SSDI is just living in poverty, scrimping by and praying nothing breaks.

Neither of us can work he’s on oxygen and I have my fibromyalgia PsA and chronic fatigue and messy Bipolar.

We just have to decide what things we can sell and hope we can get a decent amount of $ for it.

Another plucking day in my life. I feel a rage bubbling up.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

So my husband made reservations for a hotel in Savannah GA in April as a huge surprise for me as I’m tired of just going to see the kids. A couple weeks ago.

They took out the money today !!!!!!! Most do payment day of check in, not this place. So our bank account is dripping in red.

Our bank is an hour away I’m going to deposit money after my Pdoc appt tomorrow.

This has screwed everything up. We still have some things set up to pull out end of the month so we have to figure out just what needs to go in.

Living on SSDI is just living in poverty, scrimping by and praying nothing breaks.

Neither of us can work he’s on oxygen and I have my fibromyalgia PsA and chronic fatigue and messy Bipolar.

We just have to decide what things we can sell and hope we can get a decent amount of $ for it.

Another plucking day in my life. I feel a rage bubbling up.

That suuuucks!!! I’ve had that happen to me in the past and it’s infuriating. I agree that ssdi does not pay a living wage. I hope you can find some money to get you through. I’m sorry this is happening to you!

[Daonnachd]

I understand, Christina. We're $700+ overdrawn. ...and have to wait until the 1st for any paycheck deposit.

Today I met with my T. It was a lot of strategy to make an impulsive act of destruction more difficult. I also made a promise that no matter how bad things get I will not act on any impulse, but will write her instead. How many of you have a relationship with your T strong enough that you would make such a promise to them?

...and my car failed its smog test which is due tomorrow.

It's day ten of my increased Wellbutrin and i don't feel anything yet. Doc said it might not work until two weeks so there's still some time for it to kick in. I don't think it will tho.

Such an absurd life, high as a kite for months, then down a dark hole for months. But i know there are many worse of than me. Self-hatred and boredom are starting to set in again. I was so sure i had bipolar beat, but here i wind up again, feeling lousy, inert.

[Guiness187055]

I understand Christina I am in the same boat that's sinking. I have to run and put money in the bank so things don't bounce. I don't know how we get by each month but we do.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone; hope everyone had a good Wednesday. I had a pretty good day; no problems at work and things are going back to normal after all those chart audits. We are getting ready for the mild renovation and everyone is excited to have new things.

M's mother texted me around lunch to see if I wanted to join her and the psych's wife for Woman's Group that happens on Wednesday. M of course teaches Youth Group on Wednesday's so I figured why not; it's not a scheduled gym day and I did enjoy myself Sunday. Not to mention when I was a child I was an avid Church goer. So it's nice to get back into it.

After study M the pysch and his wife all got dinner together which was nice; even though I'm still trying to adjust to the awkardness of crossing the barrier and being friends instead of his patient. His wife is one of the nicest people ever. It's just weird for me crossing that boundary; granted that boundary doesn't exsist with my primary doc or my Cardiologist; but it could be because we all work for the same organization and it's just less awkward than being friends with the psych.

Which I honestly had nothing to worry about because dinner went very well and wasn't awkward at all; I didn't feel like he was analyzing me at all and he's actually a pretty cool dude. His wife is just the kindest person you will ever meet and he told me hey we are friends outside my office and even inside my office if you are cool with it. So I'm friends with my psych feels very weird to admit.

Hugs to everyone

[winter loneliness]

I am doing fine, other than my stomach. I drink coffee on an empty stomach as I usually skip meals. I am going to get an ulcer.

[Lefty Seven]

I just hugged a dude on PC in a very comfortable, heteronormative manner. And I'll do it again.

Intrigue, uncertainty, risk, threat and more intrigue. My life is so shady and precipitous that only I can live it.

My wife is taking her friend to run in the Tokyo Marathon next month. I mention this because her friend is very tall and robust and never trains for the three marathons she runs every year. She lives a nearly sedentary lifestyle, then suddenly rises from the sea like Godzilla and runs 26 miles. I've seen it happen. The Japanese are gonna freak.

I was in a slump these past five or so days, feeling unwell in many ways. I assumed my monthly period was playing some role in that, though my period doesn't always affect my mood. I guess I was right, though. It's wrapping up and this morning I woke up feeling much better. Almost like the mal feeling left my brain and body during my sleep. I woke up to find it raining. The sound is very soothing. I opened the window a bit to hear it better and the breeze feels purifying and intensely pleasant.

Just want everything to stop. I'll give it a few days

[Blueberrybook]

Pdoc appointment went OK. No changes to meds. I asked him if I could drop the Seroquel 500 mg back to 400 mg. He said not yet, we'll talk about it next time. Ugh!

[hopeless2015]

Doing ok, bitterly cold but hey its wintertime in Illinois. I should move south lol

Hugs to all

[pirilin]

I'm tired. Sleepy. I forgot the hydroxicut.

Tomorrow La Bruja is having a garage sale.
Of course, I'm the warehouse man, the cleaning crew, the stockman,
the price setter, the salesman, and the merchandise provider.

She will handle the $.
Sweet.

Would you like to work in a place like this?.

Wish me luck. I haven't move a finger yet.
The projected salary is way beyond my pay level.

TTHP, it's "only" three days. Full days. 9 to 5 days.
I've never worked one of those in my long life.
I'm an outside person. An almost free person.
I drink and stop when I want, at any place that I want.

It will be fun when someone offers 50 cents for something maked 5.00.
It will release my stress once I tell them off. Ugly.

Tomorrow, I'll report about my first 9 to 5 "job.

Cheers.

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Had an appointment with my pdoc yesterday. He put me on doxepin for the insomnia and if that doesn’t work we’ll try Ambien. I chose the doxepin because I’ve heard things about Ambien (anyone here have experience with it?).

Nothing interesting to report...depression and SI pretty much the same. He said my memory problems were mood related and we’d work on it when my mood improved. My daughter choked on a carrot last year and I had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her. Several people witnessed this and I have no memory of it. Stuff like that bothers me. Does anyone else have memory problems?

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

I take doxepin and ambien together it allows me three hours of sleep.

[Wander]

Well apart from the T thing (see other post), I am having fun. Probably in many of the wrong ways, but fun at least. However, I am not sleeping at all (though it doesn't bother me so far, only two nights), and at times the obsession takes over and I get broody and intensely focused on solving my issues. Nearly reached enlightenment yesterday. That was pretty cool. Came down unfortunately. Now I am just smiling at the sound of the morning birds. They sound amazing.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by spikes

Just want everything to stop. I'll give it a few days

Are you ok?

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Had an appointment with my pdoc yesterday. He put me on doxepin for the insomnia and if that doesn’t work we’ll try Ambien. I chose the doxepin because I’ve heard things about Ambien (anyone here have experience with it?).

Nothing interesting to report...depression and SI pretty much the same. He said my memory problems were mood related and we’d work on it when my mood improved. My daughter choked on a carrot last year and I had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her. Several people witnessed this and I have no memory of it. Stuff like that bothers me. Does anyone else have memory problems?

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

Is Ambian also called Stillnox? If so the Stillnox sleepers down here in Aus made me hallucinate, and not even sleep that well. Apparently it is dangerous stuff. People even 'sleep drive'.